Mister Chops 7 Posted November 4, 2008 What else could it really be...The Wizard of OzCURTAIN UP:The curtain rises to reveal a farm in Aylsham. DOROTHY (played by City Angel) is sitting on a farm stile with her dog, TOTO (played by Lappinitup''s avatar).DOROTHY: Oh, Toto. That six-nil defeat against Preston was simply unbearable. Will we ever see Norwich win again?TOTO: Ruff ruff. Ruff.DOROTHY: I know, Toto. I know things are bad. Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, they say I should stop wasting my time at Carrow Road. They say I should stop believing in miracles. But you know what?TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff?DOROTHY: Exactly. When I feel this way, I like to remember what my good old Nutty Uncle Nigel likes to say.(MUSIC – TOMORROW) DOROTHY: (Sings)Bryan Gunn''ll come outTomorrowBet your bottom dollarThat tomorrowThere''ll be Gunn!When we''re eight nil downand grey,And lonely,I just stick out my chinAnd Grin,And Say,Oh!Bryan Gunn''ll come outTomorrowSo ya gotta hang on''Til tomorrowCome what mayTomorrow! Tomorrow!I love ya Tomorrow!You''re alwaysA dayA way!TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff?DOROTHY: Yes, I know. It''s the wrong musical. Oh, but good old uncle Nutty Nigel has a point, don''t you think? Anyway, what I meant to sing was this:[MUSIC – SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW]Somewhere over the BarclayWay up high,There''s a team that I heard ofOnce in a lullaby.Somewhere over the BarclaySkies are blue,and the manager of our clubreally has a clueSomeday I''ll wish upon a starAnd wake up where Dee-lee-ah''s farBehind me.Where we can pick from twenty-twoCity players, all tried and trueThat''s where you''ll find me.If happy old Burnley FCCan find three million quidWhy, oh why can''t we?[THE STAGE SHAKES VIOLENTLY]DOROTHY: Toto! Sibierski just fell over again!TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff!DOROTHY: You mean... look out – I’m about to be struck by the weight of my own expectations during the transfer window?[DOROTHY IS STRUCK BY THE WINDOW AND KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS]DOROTHY: Toto... Toto... where am I? Why look. The road is yellow – and over there - a green city! Where could I be. Could it be... and my shoes! Toto, I have red boots on. Goodness, the farmhouse landed on Lee Croft!TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff!DOROTHY: Now that''s not fair. He does have an end product. Help me get this farmhouse off him.[OFF STAGE] Och, I wish I had a heart.DOROTHY: Did you hear something, Toto?[OFF STAGE] Och, I wish I had a brain.TOTO: Grrrrrrr...ruff![OFF STAGE] Och, I wish I had some courage.[OFF STAGE] Och, or at least a first touch.DOROTHY: It seems to be coming from over here... [WALKS INTO FOLIAGE]DOROTHY: Goodness, Toto! It''s Mark Fotheringham!FOTHERINGHAM: Aye, well, y''know, like, I''m nae playin'' too well right noo.I were just sayin'', och, where was I? Hoots!DOROTHY: Um... are you some kind of Scottish stereotype?FOTHERINGHAM; Aye. Nice red boots. Gissa try, eh?DOROTHY: Certainly.[TAKES OFF BOOTS]FOTHERINGHAM: Och, wait a wee minute, lassy. I''ll be needing two left ones.[AN ARMY OF MIDGETS CARRYING KEYBOARDS MARCH ONTO THE STAGE]DOROTHY: Who are you? Where are you going?{MUSIC – OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD]MIDGETS [sing]We''re off to see the Wizardthe wizard we greatly admirefor being a miserable crusty trollis something to which we aspireif one greater hero than Hucks there wasThen our First Wizard is one becausebecause, because, because, because, becauseoh hang on a minute, we''ve changed our minds...[KEYBOARD ARMY TURN AROUND AND MARCH BACK, REPLACED BY ARMY OF MIDGETS WITH PITCHFORKS]We''re off to see the Wizardthe wizard who does our heads infor when we lose, he yells and boosbut never posts when we winif ever an internet troll there wasThen First Wizard is one becauseflip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop....nobody in real life could be so dumbDOROTHY: Now that''s not nice. I''m sure he supports the club just as much as you and I, in his own special and unique way. Anyway. We''re off to the Emerald City to defeat the evil Queen. How do we get there?MIDGETS:Follow the yellow brick road!TOTO: Ruff???MIDGET: More specifically, head for Morrisons, cross the road, left at the first restaurant, past the hotel, the corporate hospitality suites and the exclusive membership-only bars, take a right at Top of the Terrace and Bob''s your uncle. Here, you''ll need these corporate passes.DOROTHY: Excellent![MIDGETS MARCH OFF STAGE]TOTO: Ruff ruff ruff?DOROTHY: No, Toto, I don''t think it was Ruel Fox.[GLENN ROEDER APPEARS FROM THE SHADOWS]GLENN ROEDER: Just a minute, lady. Fotheringham, what are you doing here?FOTHERINGHAM: F**k all, boss, just like always.ROEDER: Well, go do it elsewhere. I need to have a word with this young lady.DOROTHY: Mister Roeder, why don’t you sing us a song?ROEDER: Sorry, I am unable to do that. I’m a dour and prickly character and cannot do anything which might be described as fun, or anything which might risk making me smile.DOROTHY: Oh go on. Go on, go on, go on. Please?ROEDER: Well – I’m not really one for singing.DOROTHY: Or signing.ROEDER: That’s a cheap shot. Oh, very well. Cue the loan orchestra!(MUSIC - MY FAVOURITE THINGS)ROEDER (singing in a cockney accent)Young gifted left backs from Chelsea and ArsenalUnwanted youth players from Spurs and Newcastleseason-long freebies without any strings,these are a few of my favorite things.Loanees from Wigan, and Ghanian moversBaldy French has-beens and young won’t-improvers,Reading midfielders who run round in rings,these are a few of my favorite things.When the team lose, when the fans sing,when I''m feeling sad,I simply remember my days at West Hamand then I don''t feel so bad.[ROEDER CRACKS A SMILE AND WINCES]DOROTHY: That was beautiful!ROEDER: Yeah. Problem is, it’s brought on a bit of a headache.DOROTHY: Oh my goodness. Anybody… is there a Doc in the house?GARY DOHERTY: Yes, here I am.[FOR NO APPARENT REASON, AND DESPITE HIM BEING ONE OF OUR BETTER PLAYERS, THE AUDIENCE PELTS HIM WITH SEASONAL FRUIT]DOROTHY: Oh my.[CURTAIN - END OF ACT ONE][Cue MUSIC and several under 10''s doing "keepy ups" in the manner of our half-time ''entertainment'']{ACT TWO TO FOLLOW] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jetstream 0 Posted November 4, 2008 GeniusI doff my (virtual) hat to you, sir. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Butler 0 Posted November 4, 2008 Fantastic and you are a great loss to the stage. (preferably Wells Fargo)Brilliant can we have this performed somewhere? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
macdougalls perm 0 Posted November 4, 2008 That''s made my day, brilliant! [:D] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tim Dawson 0 Posted November 4, 2008 Not in the best of moods tonight but that has made me laugh, thank you Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
macdougalls perm 0 Posted November 4, 2008 Can''t stop laughing about the interval entertainment!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
missing in action? 0 Posted November 4, 2008 i have acting qualifications, id act it. we need a bumbling idiot to be roeder....SMUDGER (calling echo) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ricardo 7,395 Posted November 4, 2008 Wonderful stuff, can''t wait for the film to come out. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NCFC_Shaun 0 Posted November 4, 2008 The song Glenn Roeder sang was superb [:D] [Y] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AJ68 0 Posted November 4, 2008 Fantastic.....wish the team would put as much effort into playing football on the pitch as what you have into this.Keep it up can''t wait for ACT 2!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lucky green trainers 0 Posted November 4, 2008 well done choppo - you''re in a rich vein of form at the moment!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
newyorkcanary 14 Posted November 4, 2008 Superb. Please let there be an Act 2. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gazzathegreat 0 Posted November 4, 2008 Butler, perhaps Chops could recruit a few of us to perform it at the AGM? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
astrodyne 0 Posted November 4, 2008 Absolutely brilliant Mr Chops[*][:D] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gazzathegreat 0 Posted November 4, 2008 Chops, I want this pinned up in the Rosary for Saturday. It''s simply great stuff. You really should apply to do this at the kids Canary party! Lol Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Berkshire Canary 12 Posted November 4, 2008 Hilarious!!! This must be post of the month or at least until act 2!!! [:D] [:D] [:D] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lappinitup 629 Posted November 4, 2008 Wonderful stuff Mr Chops, well done! [Y] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nutty nigel 7,536 Posted November 4, 2008 Well done Mister[Y][;)] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gazzathegreat 0 Posted November 4, 2008 Please send it to the papers, the club, other messageboards Chops. The more I read it the better it gets, I am printing it out and sticking it up near the radio so I can have a laugh listening to the next away game. (apologies to Neil Adams and Canary Call, you are not as funny as this!). Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Chops 7 Posted November 4, 2008 Thanks everyone, it was something I knocked up in my lunch hour but I''m glad you found it funny. I will work on Act 2. No word from the leading actress yet... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lucky green trainers 0 Posted November 4, 2008 [quote user="Mister Chops"]Thanks everyone, it was something I knocked up in my lunch hour but I''m glad you found it funny. I will work on Act 2. No word from the leading actress yet...[/quote]ah, the maestro returns!!!but yeah well chopsy - she must be a true diva then... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Graham Humphrey 13 Posted November 4, 2008 [quote user="Mister Chops"]Thanks everyone, it was something I knocked up in my lunch hour but I''m glad you found it funny.[/quote]Well if that''s what you can do in your lunch hour imagine how good it could be if you really put your mind to it...Like everyone else I thought it was brilliant and made me laugh loads, you are clearly very talented and deserve a bigger stage (ahem) than the Pink ''Un forum. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shack Attack 0 Posted November 4, 2008 Excellent work Chopsy, you''re in a rich vein of form at the moment [Y]I shall break out the Archibald-Henvilles in recognition of your fine efforts [;)] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gazzathegreat 0 Posted November 4, 2008 I would imagine she''s consulting her agent over her fee Chops. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beauseant 0 Posted November 4, 2008 Simply brilliant!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ca 1 Posted November 4, 2008 That is just brilliant Mister Chops and has brought the smile back to my face in fact I haven''t laughed so much for ages [:)]Can''t wait for Act 2 [:)] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
As my login causes problems [ :o) ] 0 Posted November 4, 2008 Excellent Mr Chops.I know how hard comedy posts are to do and that is a masterpiece. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted November 4, 2008 Stunning Mr Chops, just stunning. [:D] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mello Yello 2,294 Posted November 4, 2008 A massive breath of quality humour.....Keep it coming![Y]...Luv it! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
arrdee 2 Posted November 4, 2008 Yes brilliant Chopsy I have been laughing my head off , you lovely old boy....arrdee. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites