Football jokes

[Pete Raven 276]

Come on then, give us your best efforts (but keep them clean please!)

[Beauseant 0]

Ipswich Town

[Captain Fantastic 0]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I''m not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Ipswich Town win the premier league."
"You crafty c***!" said the fairy.

[The Butler 0]

As it''s not Friday I will request this thread be removed... Pete... OH

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Why women are like football pitches1.

There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus

varying the quality of the play.2. Pitches vary from

the well-grassed to the completely bald.3. Remember it

is possible to score at both ends.4. Tackling from

behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.5.

Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard

but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.6.

Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.7. Don''t

ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention

pitches previously visited.8. Extra time is dependent

on subsequent pitch bookings.9. If the ground does not

seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off,

possibly even contact coroner.10. When building a team

it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.11.

Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.12. Always

ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.  Conversely, DO

NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth

and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner

and may prevent further use of the ground.13. Personal

morals may be compromised by local derbies.14. It is

illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.15. From

time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.16.

Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.17. French

grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes

be an awful smell from the terraces which don''t get hosed down as often

as they should.18. Very few grounds are found with

executive boxes.19. Be wary of grounds with room for

coaches.20. Always be on the look out for grounds that

host ladies football two evenings a week.21.

Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month,

although this can be longer if you pi$$ the owner off by continually asking

to play up the good end instead.22. Players will have

to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to

play on the turf.23. Always look for a ground that has

never been played on before (or at least hasn''t had many visits).

That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will

really know how to get the best out of a player.

[Boyo 0]

HESKEY SCORES! [:|]

 

[Forever Norwich 0]

england win the world cup

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Just heard that

OXO are making a new cube.  It''s covered in a white wrapper with a red

cross and called laughing stock !!

[First Wazzock 1,010]

My mate is so thick he thought Sheffield Wednesday was a bank holiday.

[city-till-i-die 7]

Football is a game in which a handful of men run around for one and a half hours watched by millions of people who could really use the exercise.

[city-till-i-die 7]

Ipsh*t town is like an old bra - no cups and little support.

 

[First Wazzock 1,010]

The guys who went to the blind school wanted to find out if it was possible for them to have a proper game of football. One of the workers came up with the idea of putting a bell in the ball, and took several people to play at Sloughbottom park. The guy acted as Ref as he was soon tiring having to keep close to the blind guys at all times. Eventually he sat under a tree for a couple of minutes and made the mistake of shutting his eyes. 10 minutes later he wakes up in a panic as all the players have gone. He rushes outside the park gates to see 3 police cars with the blues and twos going.

 He rushes up to an officer and says ''I''ve just lost 20 blind people I was caring for''.

The policeman says ''we''ve charged them all with murder''.

''Murder?'' says the guys.

''Yes, they''ve just kicked the s**t out of 4 morris dancers''

[First Wazzock 1,010]

This guy bought a ticket for £250 to see last years FA Cup Final.

His mate said ''You could have got a good woman for that''

''Ah yes'' said his mate ''But not 45 minutes each way with the chance of extra time and a brass band at the interval''

[morty 0]

Offside rule explained for women.You''re in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop

assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must

have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also & is

eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It

would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to

pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till

waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back

of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If

she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy

the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other

shopper and, "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper,

catch the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that

until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong to be in

front of the other shopper!

NOW DO YOU GET IT?!!

[morty 0]

Offside rule explained for women part 2.[IMG]http://i869.photobucket.com/albums/ab257/mortymccarthy/emailjokes_c_45962_1-Offside_rule.jpg[/IMG]

[The Butler 0]

There was a young player from Town

Who spent his evenings dressed in a gown

Roy said I agree

But he''s earning the fee

As we desperately need another clown

[Grow Up Mate 0]

How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they''ve been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.

What has 70,000 arms and an IQ of 170?

Portman Road every other Saturday.

4 surgeons are taking a tea break:

1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says "Nope, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd surgeon says "Well you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour coded."

4th surgeon says "I prefer Ipswich fans. They''re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

A Norwich and an Ipswich fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Ipswich fan says, "So you''re a Norwich fan, that''s interesting. I''m an Ipswich fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There''s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Norwich fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Norwich fan went on, "And look at this - here''s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn''t break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"

He hands the bottle to the Ipswich fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Norwich fan. The Norwich fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Ipswich fan. The Ipswich fan asks, "Aren''t you having any?" The Norwich fan replies, "Nah...I think I''ll just wait for the police......"

[AndyJR 0]

What has Old Trafford on a Saturday at 4:45Pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs prison?They are both full of Cockneys trying to get out.

[I am a Banana 0]

England!

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

I am a Banana said Holland WOULD win the World Cup!

[Delia Out! 0]

[quote user="Aunty Marge"]My mate is so thick he thought Sheffield Wednesday was a bank holiday.[/quote]

[Y]

[lobstercatcher2 0]

you have to admire emile heskey,came back from a disastrous world cup put on a dress and won wimbledon

[Inch High aka Inchy.. 417]

Roy Keane walks into a sperm donor bank...

"I''d like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist...

"Have you donated before?”

"Yes" replies Keane

"You should have my details on your computer".

"Oh yes, I''ve found your details" says the receptionist...

"But I see you''re going to need help. Shall I call Mrs Keane?"

"Why do I need help?" asks Roy.

The receptionist replies...

"Well Mr Keane, it says on your record that you''re a useless wa****...."

[Harry 0]

A day in the life of a Steward
8-36 am My alarm clock goes off, its a match day today and the culmination of a heavy weeks safety training, I''ve spent the whole week at the Stadium learning to walk up and down stairs, I''m yet to have as many gold stars as my friend Dave but I do think I chose the right career path instead of McDonald''s 10-06am I head downstairs to find the wife relaxing with her feet up on the sofa, I instruct her to immediately remove her feet from the seat, not only is it a safety hazard but there could be anything on her shoes, how would she like it if someone else were to sit in that seat. 12-06pm I go to get my coat before heading to the match only to find one of the kids standing in the garden outside, I immediately instruct him to sit down, I don’t know how many times I need to stress just how dangerous standing up is to him, he claims he was only having fun but that is no reason to compromise other peoples safety even if nobody was in trouble, better safe than sorry is my motto 2-56pm The stadium is packed and we''re almost ready for action, I''ve been busy directing people to seats for the past half hour, befriending people then telling them off for the most meaningless things. There was one woman who tried to enter the ground wearing boots, HOW DARE SHE! can you imagine letting someone in with something that could be used as a dangerous weapon, she insisted they were fashion wear and said she was off shopping instead, good riddance to potential hardcore trouble makers I say 3-10pm I spot a young lad shouting that Norwich are "by far the greatest team the world has ever seen". My mate Sid confirms my suspicions that the Brazil side of 1970 were the best of all time so I discipline him for lying. First there''s telling fibs then it leads to heroin and gun crime, still my objective as steward is to eradicate all evil from society so taking his season ticket off him was the right thing to do 3-49pm Half time - its the usual stampede to the concourses so these hooligans can drink even more beer to aid the riots they’ll no doubt be starting, one of them has been standing a whole yard in front of the yellow line drinking a pint of lager, I''ve radioed the gaffer but I have to wait until he moves another step before I can chuck him out. 3-53pm YES! the lager drinker finally moves forward, its been agony waiting for it but I feel he’s been causing a real threat to other peoples safety, I don’t want to be the man left with blood on his hands 4-23pm 2 kids have been spotted walking around the concourse, one is apparently armed with a plastic spoon, its times like these that I hate the danger element that’s involved but if it meant ensuring the safety of the fans I''d fight them, unless there’s someone smaller to pick on of course 4-52pm That’s it, game over, the drama however is not, one obvious hooligan has decided to hurdle the seats, he doesn’t realise the danger he is causing himself and others, I''ve called for the police as this is a serious matter, one of the boys in blue comes over and laughs in my face when I ask him to arrest the man for climbing over the seats, he obviously isn’t very well trained as I know this is actually a law, maybe he’s laughing at the supposed supporters idiocy and just how far he is willing to go to compromise his own safety. 5-36pm Another hectic day is over, unfortunately I lost our weekly contest of how many people we can throw out, although I did win a sweep stake for the stupidest warning after telling a fan he would have his season ticket taken off him if he continued to clap during the game, people criticise us stewards for not having a sense of humour but its a laugh a minute it really is. 7-03pm I go home via my local chippy, the assistant obviously spots my luminous jacket and asks how Norwich got on, I''m not stupid, they wont catch me out, I chucked 5 under 10s out warned 15 pensioners and am trying to have 3 season tickets confiscated of people who wore to much bright clothing to the match, does he really think I have time to watch the game, its disgusting the lack of respect some people have for us stewards, ahem, safety officers 8-34pm I arrive home to find pandemonium in my house, my wife is running up and down the stairs screaming "F**king get in we’ve won 5 million fucking quid on the lottery", I proceed to throw her out of the premises as she is clearly celebrating far to much and foul language is just going over the top, with a bit of luck she won’t be allowed back in again, some people just take liberties. 10-48pm I settle down to watch the premiership, strange it seems people in the crowd actually watch the game if only our supporters would grow up and not be hell bent on causing trouble by standing up, getting excited or singing, it would make my job a whole lot easier that’s for sure. 12-00pm I apply to join the police force for the 42nd time

 

[hogesar 10,761]

To all those women who watch the football and shout "pass it to Frank"

or "bring Joe Cole on;" fuck off. You didn''t see me at Sex And The City 2

shouting "fuck her up the arse."So the Germans have said that England''s "goal" being disallowed is fine

and acceptable as it was simply karma for the Russian Linesman Incident

in ''66. Well said Germany, and on a similar note I have opened a

wonderfully legitimate new recreational shower chamber that 6 million

of you should pop along to, free of charge, and discuss the ins and outs

of your karma theory.

This week, the first 3D football matches were shown in public.

I watched the Chelsea match with my girlfriend and at one point John

Terry tried to fuck her.

Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?".

Little Boy: "He''s a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money''s

right he lets punters bang his arse and cum in his gob".

Teacher takes him outside, "Is that true?".

Little boy: "No miss, it''s bollocks. He plays for Derby County but I''m

too embarrassed to say".

[:D]

[William Darby 0]

the party was near a football ground

[I am a Banana 0]

[quote user="IncH_HigH "]

Roy Keane walks into a sperm donor bank...

"I''d like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist...

"Have you donated before?”

"Yes" replies Keane

"You should have my details on your computer".

"Oh yes, I''ve found your details" says the receptionist...

"But I see you''re going to need help. Shall I call Mrs Keane?"

"Why do I need help?" asks Roy.

The receptionist replies...

"Well Mr Keane, it says on your record that you''re a useless wa****...."

[/quote]

[y]

[ryan1992 0]

[quote user="Grow Up Mate"] A Norwich and an Ipswich fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Ipswich fan says, "So you''re a Norwich fan, that''s interesting. I''m an Ipswich fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There''s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The Norwich fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Norwich fan went on, "And look at this - here''s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn''t break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?" He hands the bottle to the Ipswich fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Norwich fan. The Norwich fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the Ipswich fan. The Ipswich fan asks, "Aren''t you having any?" The Norwich fan replies, "Nah...I think I''ll just wait for the police......"[/quote]

Quality, Love it! [Y]

[Shyster 0]

What do you call an Ipswich fan in a suit?

The accused.

[lappinitup 629]

Paul Lambert was signing some autographs outside Carrow Rd when three attractive young ladies approached him. The first one rolled up her sleeve and asked him if he''d mind signing her arm. Of course not he said and promptly carried out her request.

The second girl cheekily pulled up her blouse to expose her breasts which Paul happily signed.

The third girl was even more adventurous. As she stood in front of Paul, she turned round, dropped her panties and bent over. "I''m sorry love" he said "I can''t do that! You need to get yourself down to Portman Rd to see Roy Keane. He''s the one who signs arseholes".