Fridays chuckles and sniggers

[The Butler 0]

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick
up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
promised land."

Nearly 50 years ago, Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Now Brown has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care
Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security,
retirement funds, etc. I called the Samaritans, the suicide helpline.

Got a freakin'' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck !!!

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at £2000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he''s 97 years old
and we don''t know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I''m doing..

Every time I hear the dirty word ''exercise'',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they''ll say,
''Well, he looks good doesn''t he.''

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there''s a lot more information in our heads.
That''s my story and I''m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine. 

 

THAT WONDERFUL THING CALLED LOVE

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife''s voice

from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb ?"

He said, "Thank you, I''ll have chicken.."

Sod You. You''re having soup. I was talking to the cat."

ALMOST BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE, DOESN''T IT

[Beauseant 0]

Leeds United

[dreamteam 0]

And they say that the kids these days are getting higher scores in their exams then we did in our day - how does that work!!!

The following questions were set in last year''s GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)...........and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does ''varicose'' mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ''Caesarean section''

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word ''judicious'' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word ''benign'' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[First Wazzock 902]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this March from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers'' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don''t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It''s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don''t like cutting wages but I''d hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won''t be able to blow themselves up."
A spokesperson for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and Australia stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[First Wazzock 902]

WHY AM I MARRIED? 
 
You have two choices in life.
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________ 
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another -
''Aren''t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?''
''Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'' 
__________ 
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds.
''Husband Wanted''.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing.
''You can have mine.''
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. 
 __________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________

A little boy asked his father,
''Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?''
Father replied, ''I don''t know son, I''m still paying.'' 
__________

A young son asked,
''Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn''t know his wife until he marries her?''
Dad replied, ''That happens in every country, son.'' 
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
''I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then it was too late.'' 
__________ 
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. 
__________
  
Just think, if it weren''t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, ''My wife''s an angel!''
Second guy remarks, ''You''re lucky, mine''s still alive.''
__________ 
''A Woman''s Prayer.
Dear Lord, I pray for :-
Wisdom - to understand a man, to love and to forgive him.
Patience - for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for strength then I''ll just beat him to death'' 

 

 
Husband says:   When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says:   I clean the toilet.

Husband says:   How does that help?

Wife says:   I use your toothbrush

[First Wazzock 902]

NEW ELDERLY CARE PROGRAMME OFFERS HOPE

The UK Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing years. It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand.

Join the new free care plan today. If you are 60 years or older, you can apply. All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.

You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England ), one MSP, one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don''t like and think the world could do without.

As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure of being caught, and, in due course, sent to prison.

There you will get a safe centrally heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games, plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!

New teeth needed? No problem.

New glasses? They''ll be provided.

New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart?* They''re all covered too.

And who will pay for all of this? The same government that told you they cannot afford your current health care.

And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don''t have to pay income tax anymore.

Britain . A GREAT country or what?

*Restrictions may apply. If you get terminal prostate cancer, you may be released and flown to a far off, sunny country, where you can live a bit longer with your friends and family.
This is known as the Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi clause.

[Beauseant 0]

1.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his
shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and
drove home.

''Where have you been?'' his wife demanded.

''I can''t lie to you,'' he replied, ''I''m having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon.''

She looked down at his shoes and said: ''You lying
bast...rd! You''ve been playing golf!''

********************************************************
2.

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always
talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for
the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ''There''s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at our two beautiful daughters! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?''

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ''Not this time!''






************************************************************
3.

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the
body of the late Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling
discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

''I''m sorry Mr. Schwartz,'' the mortician commented, ''I can''t allow you
to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It
must be saved for posterity.''

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took
it home. ''I have something to show you won''t believe,''
he said to his wife, opening his brief case.

''Oh my gosh!'' the wife exclaimed, ''Schwartz is dead!''


****************************************************************************
4.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
husband opening the front door.
''Hurry,'' she said, ''stand in the corner.''

She rubbed baby oil all over
him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ''Don''t
move until I tell you,'' she said, ''pretend you''re a statue.''

''What''s this?'' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

''Oh it''s a statue,'' she replied, ''The Smiths bought one and I liked
it so I got one for us, too.''

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and
returned with a sandwich and a beer.
''Here,'' he said to the statue, ''have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.''

*******************************************************************
5.

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a
beer. ''Certainly, Sir , that''ll be ten cents.''

''Ten Cents!?'' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the
menu and asked: ''How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?''''

''A dollar'' the barman replied.

''A dollar!?'' exclaimed the man. ''Where''s the guy who owns this place?''

The bartender replied, ''Upstairs, with my wife.''

The man asked: ''What''s he doing upstairs with your wife?''

''The same thing I''m doing to his business down here.''






6.

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up
and said weakly: ''I have something I must confess.''

''There''s no need to, '' his wife replied.

''No,'' he insisted, ''I want to die in peace.. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!''

''I know,'' she replied, ''Now just rest and let the poison work.

[Jem 0]

[quote user="The Butler"]

I called the Samaritans[/quote]

 

What a coincidence- I used to work for the samaritans. I phoned in sick one day and they managed to talk me out of it

[The Butler 0]

Dreamteam, the bigger worry is that Top of the League lass meets Nana or Deano or both.

Breeding could lead to the end of civilization as we know it!![:D]

[Duffman 0]

Have a listen to this - http://cupcate.vox.com/library/audio/6a00c2251f58b7549d00d10a7beb598bfa.html

Was aired live in Yorkshire a few years back. Quality radio!

You dirty little tart!

[Duffman 0]

Letters To Viz

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we''ve just been told our jobs are

moving to India. I''m so excited!

I''ve always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I''ll

be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the

good work.

Charles Turner

What is it with diabetics? One minute they''re on the floor with a loved

one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some

chocolate!"

The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a

flash they say "No thanks, I''m diabetic." I wish they''d get their story

straight.

T Potter

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed.

What''s healthy about that?

Mark J, Barnsley

AM I the only person who hasn''t banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have

banged her. It''s something I''m quite keen on doing and I was just

wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.

Zak Cassidy, e-mail

WHY DON''T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their

attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA

outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray

Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends'', or so the com-mercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I''d just

like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife''s

minge. He hasn''t seen my wife''s, so who''s had the last laugh?

P Lorimer, Leeds

[macdougalls perm 0]

[quote user="Beauseant"]Leeds United[/quote]

[:D][:D]

[morty 0]

Jonathan Ross only goes to rugby matches toplay pranks on people.He loves Twickenham.

[Dicky 0]

I used to go out with a bird with eczema - she had cracking tits....

[Dicky 0]

I saw a prostitute with no arms the other day. I asked her how it affected her work.  She said she couldnt'' give a toss....

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,415]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

the ''T'' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

urgently,

" You''ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer''s broken."

[Bigmarkcanary 0]

Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

1. Innovative.

2. Preliminary.

3. Proliferation.

4. Cinnamon.

Things that are VERY difficult to say when drunk:

1. Specificity.

2. Anticonstitutionalistically.

3. Passiveagressive disorder.

4. Transubstantiate.

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:

1. No thanks, I''m married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you''re not really my type.

4. No I don''t want to see your fanny.

5. No my c**k is fine as it is, I don''t want you to suck it.

6. Please don''t sit on my face, I''ve got asthma!

[linco88 0]

Two men stranded on a desert island. First man says "Leeds United have lost again". Second man says "how do you know that"? First man replies " Its Saturday".

Leeds United have apparently turned down a £5 million

sponsorship deal with a well known dog food company. The fans feel that wearing shirts with the word winalot across the front would be taking the p***

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

The Dark Side of

Women 

           

           

          A woman was in town on a shopping trip.  She

began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the

first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75

percent in the second.  In the third, everything had just

been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

          It was a female doctor notifying her that her

husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in

critical condition in the ICU.  The woman told the doctor

to inform her husband where she was and that she''d be there

as soon as possible. 

           

          As she hung up she realized she was leaving what

was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. 

She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to

the hospital.  She ended up shopping the rest of the

morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a

beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last

shop.  She was jubilant. 

           

          Then she remembered her husband.  Feeling guilty,

she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the

corridor and asked about her husband''s condition.  The

doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and

finished your shopping trip, didn''t you!?  I hope you''re

proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four

hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been

languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit!  It''s just

as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more

than likely be the last shopping trip you''ll ever take! 

For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock

care.  And he will now be your career!" 

           

          The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and

sobbed. 

           

          The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I''m just

messing with you.  He''s dead.  Show me what you bought."Also loved those other women jokes lol

[norfolkbroadslim 223]

Three American women from the deep south, in a bar talking about their nicknames for their boyfriends -

The first woman says - "I calls my boyfriend Barney".  The others look bemused by this, "Barney?", they say puzzlingly.  "Yeah, Barney, he''s got balls like a bear"

The second woman says - "I calls my boyfriend Dobbin".  The other women are confused by this, "Dobbin, why do you calls him that?" they say.  Because he is hung like a mule.

The third woman says - "I calls my boyfriend Beaujolais".  The other women are totally perplexed by this.  One of them says "Baujolais.  Ain''t that some kind of fancy liquor?"  "That''s my Beaujolais"

[TIL 1010 4,746]

The wife asked me to buy something that made her look sexy so i went out and bought myself 12 cans of lager.

[Bill 1,788]

I see the Friday bit, but .........

[The Butler 0]

[quote user="City1st"]I see the Friday bit, but .........[/quote]

I don''t know why you settle for second best  when with a little more effort you could become a total ars*hole!

[martin ayers 0]

one day superman was feeling horny and asked his superhero friends where he could get some action. everyone agreed wonder woman was the best shag in comic land. ''but she and i are friends, i can''t take advantage of her'', said superman. 10 minutes later he''s flying low over the city and sees wonder woman lying in a field naked with her legs apart and thinks, i am faster than a speeding bullet, i can be in and out before she knows I''m here. so with a sonic boom and a blur he''s down in and gone. wonder woman stares at the sky and says,''what the hell was that?''  ''don''t know'', says the invisible man but my arse is killing me''

[norfolkbroadslim 223]

[quote user="City1st"]I see the Friday bit, but .........[/quote]

A more apt username would be -Cock1st City2nd

[Herman 9,764]

[quote user="martin ayers"]one day superman was feeling horny and asked his superhero friends where he could get some action. everyone agreed wonder woman was the best shag in comic land. ''but she and i are friends, i can''t take advantage of her'', said superman. 10 minutes later he''s flying low over the city and sees wonder woman lying in a field naked with her legs apart and thinks, i am faster than a speeding bullet, i can be in and out before she knows I''m here. so with a sonic boom and a blur he''s down in and gone. wonder woman stares at the sky and says,''what the hell was that?''  ''don''t know'', says the invisible man but my arse is killing me''
[/quote]

[:D][Y]

[Twitchy 0]

What did one gay horse say to the other?......."Haaaaay".