Terminally Yellow 2,485 Posted October 28, 2023 I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Terminally Yellow 2,485 Posted October 28, 2023 A man walks into a Police station covered head to toe in chocolate and coconut and says in a panic..."officer, officer, please you have to help me " The Officer on the desk replies "of course, what on earth is the problem ?" The panicked man replies " I think there's a bounty on me!" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Terminally Yellow 2,485 Posted October 28, 2023 Sang into a colander earlier - only gone and strained my voice, haven't it?! 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Midlands Yellow 4,107 Posted October 28, 2023 There’s some belters there TY, are you reminiscing the ones you last heard at junior school? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Iwans Big Toe 312 Posted October 28, 2023 I've got loads of jokes. I won't do jokes about Spaniards though. No way Jose. Â Â 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
keelansgrandad 6,679 Posted October 28, 2023 What do you call a fish with no eye? Â Fsh Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nevermind, neoliberalism has had it 159 Posted October 28, 2023 (edited) the right cheek Rishi, is saying to the left cheek Keir, 'If we work together, we can stop all this s..t Edited October 28, 2023 by nevermind, neoliberalism has had it oops Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wings of a Sparrow 1,442 Posted October 28, 2023 I took the kids to the zoo. It was rubbish. It only had one animal. It was a **** tzu. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hook's-Walk-Canary 213 Posted October 28, 2023 What goes black & white, black & white, black & white?.. A nun falling down the stairs. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Daz Sparks 1,189 Posted October 28, 2023 I popped in to see my ol' Mum and Dad today, Dad was in the garden, hunched over the lawn mower, crying his eyes out. I asked her, "what's wrong?"Â She replied, "Oh, don't worry about him, he's just going through a rough patch!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Angry 1,571 Posted October 28, 2023 How does an Eskimo build his house? Igloos it together. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Iwans Big Toe 312 Posted October 28, 2023 I've been sat here all day trying to come up with a joke about paving slabs, but I still don't have anything set in stone. Â Â 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littleyellowbirdie 2,604 Posted October 28, 2023 Why do vampire hunters always have good retirements? They all have stakeholder pensions. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littleyellowbirdie 2,604 Posted October 28, 2023 Dire Straits and Chris Rea are forming a supergroup called Dire Rea. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Terminally Yellow 2,485 Posted October 29, 2023 What’s the difference between a simple person and a pizza?One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hook's-Walk-Canary 213 Posted October 29, 2023 What's the definition of noise? Two skeletons having a w@nk in a biscuit tin. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wings of a Sparrow 1,442 Posted October 29, 2023 What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? I've never had a lentil on my face. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
keelansgrandad 6,679 Posted October 29, 2023 Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees? Â Because they are really good at it. 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
benchwarmer 625 Posted October 29, 2023 (edited) What's the definition of confusion? Fathers Day on the Larkman estate. Edited October 29, 2023 by benchwarmer 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheGunnShow 6,023 Posted October 29, 2023 (edited) Fred West's daughter failed her maths exam. Question: How many feet are in a yard? She said 20. Edited October 29, 2023 by TheGunnShow 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheGunnShow 6,023 Posted October 29, 2023 Camping is loitering within tent. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheGunnShow 6,023 Posted October 29, 2023 When drawing a graph, the y axis goes down, but x is a cross. 😉 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dylanisabaddog 5,015 Posted October 30, 2023 Not terrible at all but @Hermanpost made me think we should have a Larson thread 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Herman 9,838 Posted November 4, 2023 I have stolen this from another site: A man goes to the doctors and says "Every time I fart they make the sound 'Honda'!" . The doctor examines his posterior and tells him "Ah, you have an abscess". "What's that got to do with it?" asks the patient. Â "Well", says the doctor, "everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go Honda!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
keelansgrandad 6,679 Posted November 4, 2023 I'm can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. Â I don't know why. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littleyellowbirdie 2,604 Posted November 9, 2023 (edited) I went on an overnight boat trip paddling down the Dordogne last night. I had a sleeping bag, but even so it was cold, so I got some wood from the bank and started a small fire. It warmed me up nicely, but some sparks flew out and set light to my kayak. I jumped out quickly and swam to the bank. Soaking wet on the bank, I looked at the burning wreck regretfully, reflecting that you can't have your kayak and heat it. Edited November 9, 2023 by littleyellowbirdie 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Terminally Yellow 2,485 Posted November 25, 2023 Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?" 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Terminally Yellow 2,485 Posted November 25, 2023 On 09/11/2023 at 08:43, littleyellowbirdie said: I went on an overnight boat trip paddling down the Dordogne last night. I had a sleeping bag, but even so it was cold, so I got some wood from the bank and started a small fire. It warmed me up nicely, but some sparks flew out and set light to my kayak. I jumped out quickly and swam to the bank. Soaking wet on the bank, I looked at the burning wreck regretfully, reflecting that you can't have your kayak and heat it. This is very good 😂 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sonyc 5,541 Posted November 25, 2023 A visual one. 1 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites