The No Good Terrible Worst Ever Joke Thread

[Terminally Yellow 2,485]

I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.

[Terminally Yellow 2,485]

A man walks into a Police station covered head to toe in chocolate and coconut and says in a panic..."officer, officer, please you have to help me "

The Officer on the desk replies "of course, what on earth is the problem ?"

The panicked man replies " I think there's a bounty on me!"

[Terminally Yellow 2,485]

Sang into a colander earlier - only gone and strained my voice, haven't it?!

[Midlands Yellow 4,090]

There’s some belters there TY, are you reminiscing the ones you last heard at junior school? 

[Iwans Big Toe 312]

I've got loads of jokes. I won't do jokes about Spaniards though. No way Jose.

 

 

[keelansgrandad 6,679]

What do you call a fish with no eye?

 

Fsh

[nevermind, neoliberalism has had it 159]

the right cheek Rishi, is saying to the left cheek Keir, 'If we work together, we can stop all this s..t

Edited October 28, 2023 by nevermind, neoliberalism has had it
oops

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,438]

I took the kids to the zoo. It was rubbish.

It only had one animal.

It was a **** tzu.

[Hook's-Walk-Canary 213]

What goes black & white, black & white, black & white?..

A nun falling down the stairs.

[Daz Sparks 1,188]

I popped in to see my ol' Mum and Dad today, Dad was in the garden, hunched over the lawn mower, crying his eyes out.

I asked her, "what's wrong?" 

She replied, "Oh, don't worry about him, he's just going through a rough patch!"

[Mr Angry 1,571]

How does an Eskimo build his house?

Igloos it together.

[Iwans Big Toe 312]

I've been sat here all day trying to come up with a joke about paving slabs, but I still don't have anything set in stone.

 

 

[littleyellowbirdie 2,603]

Why do vampire hunters always have good retirements?

They all have stakeholder pensions.

[littleyellowbirdie 2,603]

Dire Straits and Chris Rea are forming a supergroup called Dire Rea.

[Terminally Yellow 2,485]

What’s the difference between a simple person and a pizza?One is easy to cheat, the other is cheesy to eat.

[Herman 9,837]

[Hook's-Walk-Canary 213]

What's the definition of noise?

Two skeletons having a w@nk in a biscuit tin.

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,438]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

[keelansgrandad 6,679]

Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees?

 

Because they are really good at it.

[benchwarmer 625]

What's the definition of confusion?

Fathers Day on the Larkman estate.

Edited October 29, 2023 by benchwarmer

[TheGunnShow 6,023]

Fred West's daughter failed her maths exam. 

Question: How many feet are in a yard?

She said 20.

Edited October 29, 2023 by TheGunnShow

[TheGunnShow 6,023]

Camping is loitering within tent.

[TheGunnShow 6,023]

When drawing a graph, the y axis goes down, but x is a cross. 😉

[dylanisabaddog 5,014]

Not terrible at all but @Hermanpost made me think we should have a Larson thread

[Herman 9,837]

I have stolen this from another site:

A man goes to the doctors and says "Every time I fart they make the sound 'Honda'!" .

The doctor examines his posterior and tells him "Ah, you have an abscess".

"What's that got to do with it?" asks the patient.

 "Well", says the doctor, "everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go Honda!"

[keelansgrandad 6,679]

I'm can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet.

 

I don't know why.

[littleyellowbirdie 2,603]

I went on an overnight boat trip paddling down the Dordogne last night. I had a sleeping bag, but even so it was cold, so I got some wood from the bank and started a small fire. It warmed me up nicely, but some sparks flew out and set light to my kayak. I jumped out quickly and swam to the bank.

Soaking wet on the bank, I looked at the burning wreck regretfully, reflecting that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Edited November 9, 2023 by littleyellowbirdie

[Terminally Yellow 2,485]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

[Terminally Yellow 2,485]

On 09/11/2023 at 08:43, littleyellowbirdie said:

I went on an overnight boat trip paddling down the Dordogne last night. I had a sleeping bag, but even so it was cold, so I got some wood from the bank and started a small fire. It warmed me up nicely, but some sparks flew out and set light to my kayak. I jumped out quickly and swam to the bank.

Soaking wet on the bank, I looked at the burning wreck regretfully, reflecting that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

This is very good 😂

[sonyc 5,541]

A visual one.