Dealing with heartbreak

[kick it off 1,952]

15 minutes ago, keelansgrandad said:

I think a break is sometimes helpful. Mrs KG and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary in January. And during our courtship we had a short split and it gave us time to realise we were better off together than apart.

I have everything possible crossed for you.

Thank KG. It's a tightrope between hope with realism and getting carried away with hope because it's what I want to believe, at the moment. I'm just trying to get through day to day and improve myself so that she can see what she's missing when we do hang out.

[Midlands Yellow 3,994]

5 hours ago, kick it off said:

Thank KG. It's a tightrope between hope with realism and getting carried away with hope because it's what I want to believe, at the moment. I'm just trying to get through day to day and improve myself so that she can see what she's missing when we do hang out.

It’s a cliché but time is a great healer. I’d been in a ten year plus relationship over a decade ago. To make it worse she’d been playing away and I still had to work with her. We even got back together (for nearly a week) before she repeated the offence again. Just to add to the pain my father had died three months earlier and my mother was terminally ill too. 

Just take it day to day, ride the rollercoaster of emotions and take time off from work if you need to. Maybe you both just need a break to rekindle the ingredients that got you together in the first place. Be kind to yourself, it will all work itself out. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 4, 2023 by Midlands Yellow

[kick it off 1,952]

All good advice and gratefully received TDK. I'm in less pain than I was, I've eaten today, I can think and process things clearly now. I'm not doing anything particularly positive for myself (designs on going back in the gym but think I probably need to wait a few days after a week of no food at all before that's sensible). I hope she reaches out first, it's not really her style to make the first move but I also know she needs to breathe and the path forward has to be on her terms. We are allowed to text by mutual agreement but I don't want to make the first move on that front.

I'm trying not to overthink everything (I know I'm failing at that) but just got to see how it all shakes out in the end.

[FenwayFrank 2,459]

On 04/03/2023 at 11:59, kick it off said:

Weve agreed that texting is ok, phone calls too much at this point, and we made a loose arrangement to meet up in 2 weeks for a drink. She said yesterday (came to get her stuff) that she could see us getting back together in the future and she was missing me and loved me. There was lots of hope from our conversation but I know how dangerous hope is when you're broken.

From the outside there seem to be mixed messages there, 18 months is a long while, I presume that’s her decision only ? In 6 months time you could be chatting to a girl and think “ she’s nice” and things could change completely. 

[kick it off 1,952]

3 hours ago, FenwayFrank said:

From the outside there seem to be mixed messages there, 18 months is a long while, I presume that’s her decision only ? In 6 months time you could be chatting to a girl and think “ she’s nice” and things could change completely. 

It's hard to type this clearly so it makes sense - The 18 months changed when her emotional wall came down and I could talk to her normally. When we actually spoke properly without her putting the wall up, and we heard each other's perspectives, she stopped saying she wanted to be on her own for 18 months and changed to she could see herself being with me, but not with anyone else during that period.

It wasn't that I had to wait 18months to find out, it was that if she's not with me, then she'll be single for 18 months. If that makes it clearer?

[kick it off 1,952]

Also, I just opened Pandora's box on my emotions - the only thing clouding my mind (apart from the break up obv) now I've dealt with some other issues was the trauma and grief around her mum's death, my loss and what I went through when we were the primary caregivers in her last months.

I went to her burial site by myself for the first time and spoke to her.I have a huge amount of grief over it and loved her mum, but I've never been able to express it as I've always visited with the family, or with my ex. I felt like my grief wasn't as legitimate as those who were obviously much closer so I've always shut it off and just supported the others. I know that's not right, but it's how I felt. My trauma was less than my ex's and I had to be strong for her, so I compartmentalised it and shut it off.

It was intense and I let a lot out, but it was healing. I allowed myself to talk to her and express my grief and I feel better for doing it. I felt like it was a risk with my emotional state atm, but I also felt compelled. I'm glad I trusted my instinct that I needed to do it. 

Edited March 5, 2023 by kick it off

[daly 504]

Bang her out if she’s gone once she’ll go again  

 Move on you on you sound a descent guy

Let her stew 

Move on 

Got caught in this scenario  years ago and 100% glad  she went, 

Myex thought the grass was greener on the other side

Turned out for her the grass is  a far from green

How long have you been with her 

 

[canarydan23 4,060]

My only advice is don't listen to @daly's advice.

And not just on this.

[Barbe bleu 827]

16 minutes ago, daly said:

Bang her out if she’s gone once she’ll go again  

 Move on you on you sound a descent guy

Let her stew 

Move on 

Got caught in this scenario  years ago and 100% glad  she went, 

Myex thought the grass was greener on the other side

Turned out for her the grass is  a far from green

How long have you been with her 

 

Sorry to hear that daly.  I think kio is in a different position though 

[Nuff Said 5,145]

First time I’ve read this, and your pain sounds intense, like everyone else I feel for you and wish the very best for you from this point in.
 

I’m not sure you’ll get any advice better than the first reply to you from @Canary WundaboyLet her have space once you’ve made it clear you are there to support her when/if she needs it, find someone to talk to (Samaritans is an excellent choice, they are trained to listen and give emotional support, it absolutely doesn’t need to be about suicidal thoughts) and try and look after yourself physically as best you can.

 

Other than that, ignore advice! I spent a few years as a volunteer bereavement counsellor, and everyone grieves in different ways, so what works for one person is in no way guaranteed to help for you. Maybe consider grief counselling yourself? It sounds like it hit you pretty badly too, so it would be absolutely appropriate. In my area, there are a couple of hospices which offer it for free, worth checking if you think you might consider it.

Edited March 8, 2023 by Nuff Said

[daly 504]

1 hour ago, canarydan23 said:

My only advice is don't listen to @daly's advice.

And not just on this.

Canarydan

Have you ever experienced the torment a girlfriend or spouse can put you through 

If you have then you’ll be looking over your shoulder for the unforeseen future 

Better to move on 

Spent 15 years doing that 

15 wasted  years

Each to his own knowing what I know now wish someone had given me advice 

[Herman 9,779]

My only advice, speaking from experience, is don't numb things with booze etc. It really doesn't help. Do stuff that is constructive to take your mind off things, walks, cinema, arts, sports etc.

All the best KIO, I sincerely hope everything goes ok for you.👍

[Van wink 2,994]

I hope things may be feeling a little better for you than when you first posted KIO, life goes on and hopefully you can find a way to fully immerse yourself in the normality and routine of daily life, it sounds pretty uninspiring but it’s a long slow road that we all tread and it’s the mundane that keeps us sane in my experience. Look after your physical health, also a great tonic for the mind.

[daly 504]

Keep well KIO

You only get one life

All the very best to you

The decision is yours

You have not left her

Wonder if she is going through the same pain

[littleyellowbirdie 2,551]

13 hours ago, Nuff Said said:

Other than that, ignore advice!

@kick it off, in my view, this is the best bit of advice offered on here. Anyone offering you advice, especially online, only has the information you offer and your perspective to judge on anyway, which will be influenced by your own point of view

I had a girlfriend break up with me 12 years ago, which left me utterly devastated. I don't remember ever crying so hard, not even when my mum died. I went online seeking advice, and got told what I wanted to hear, because everyone only had the information I was feeding to judge on, which naturally edged things towards getting the responses that I wanted to hear.

I also spent a long time hoping we'd get back together, giving her space and stuff. Didn't work (I found out later that she was having second thoughts when I was giving her space and her subsequent partner was counselling her not to trust it).

I still see her and her partner quite regularly and they're both friends, but I wasted a lot of time hung up on her that I'll never get back.

It sounds like you've got all the right instincts in terms of looking after yourself for the moment and stopping yourself getting in a rut over it. If you are open to getting back with her in the future then that's for you to judge, but if I was in your shoes looking back on my own experiences, I'd also be open to exploring other possibilities if they arise on the back of your self-improvement efforts. 😉

 

[kick it off 1,952]

Thanks LYB.

I'm out of the storm and into calmer waters now. Have done a ridiculous amount of self reflection about the relationship, what went wrong, what the miscommunications were, where I failed, where she failed, what her needs are, what mine were and should have been, changes that would need to be made if we reconciled etc.

Ultimately, the relationship wasn't working for her so it wasn't working for me. I've reached the place of acceptance now, where I understand that actually, the relationship had a LOT of positive traits and was full of love and care, but also it was very codependent (pushed by me) which turned it into a very high pressure situation for her, and the subsequent breakup into a very high pressure situation for me. 

I'm just going to keep putting the work in to improving myself, I have done a lot of the mental and emotional stuff already, but I've relised other traits I want to change and improve that I hadn't realised I carried.

I went to the burial site yesterday to open pandora's box on the grief and trauma from her mum's death, and it was healing. It'll be a long journey but I've taken a step. I'm eating now and going to join the gym this week and start to try to find ways to meet new people, expand my network and create an independent life. I'm striving for the position where I am zen with myself and my own life, so that when we do make a decision about whether to get back together, it won't just be her who has to decide, and I can walk away with no drama either way.

I still love her deeply, and if we don't get back together, I'm going to take some time on my own for a while and just do things that I want to do.I've put some action plans down on paper and set some goals.

I'm getting there.

Ultimately, I know her inside out, sheer gut instinct screams she doesn't want the end of this. She had several opportnities to leave me behind on Friday, she took none of them. She's not stupid, she knows her own mind even if it's clouded atm. She would have left it in the rearview then if she was going to. When she realised I wasn't pushing her to get back together immediately and had heard her request for space, but I still saw a pathway back and it could be a break with a fresh start that met her needs instead of a finite break up, she softened quite a lot, the wall came down. That was what she needed from me and she felt heard and validated. If I'd reacted any other way, she'd have shut it all down for good, but I'm comfortable with the current limbo and tightrope because I know I've changed and the changes match the future things she needs to see for me to navigate the tightrope and get out of limbo. She will see those changes in time.

The break up happened because she got overwhelmed, there was too much pressure and she blew it up. She didn't see, or really have an alternative. There is an alternative now, and I have my agency and self-respect back (I gave that to her, she didn't take it). We'll spend some time, take things slow, rebuild from the ground up, it will all figure out in the end. and if it doesn't, then c'est la vie, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat and have learned a lot, grown a lot and had an amazing 18 months or so with memories I wouldn't change for the world.

I'm very much keeping the door open, and I would like to get back together with her when the dust settles, but I'm choosing to view this as an opportunity to take my agency back and take my sense of self-worth and validation out of the hands of others for good. If we get back together, it will look very different, and I have a solid idea of that roadmap, but it will also be because I want to be with her and I choose to be with her NOT because I need to be with her.

I masively appreciate the support from each and everyone of you. That was a rollercoaster I was not prepared for.

Edited March 7, 2023 by kick it off

[Barbe bleu 827]

Good to hear you are in a better place. Sounds like you've got a plan for this sorted in your head now.

I guess there is no off switch but wishing you best and hoping that no scars have formed

[Rock The Boat 1,332]

As Ricardo says, we all have been through this, and you will too. Happened to me when I was in my early twenties. At the time a mate gave me a piece of advice 'Go and have sex with someone as soon as possible'. I was initially quite taken aback with his advice but it actually was good advice as it shows you do have agency.

[FenwayFrank 2,459]

10 hours ago, Rock The Boat said:

As Ricardo says, we all have been through this, and you will too. Happened to me when I was in my early twenties. At the time a mate gave me a piece of advice 'Go and have sex with someone as soon as possible'. I was initially quite taken aback with his advice but it actually was good advice as it shows you do have agency.

I think that’s terrible advice personally 

[Barbe bleu 827]

9 hours ago, FenwayFrank said:

I think that’s terrible advice personally 

It's certainly not the advice I would give! 

[littleyellowbirdie 2,551]

On 04/03/2023 at 21:33, kick it off said:

All good advice and gratefully received TDK. I'm in less pain than I was, I've eaten today, I can think and process things clearly now. I'm not doing anything particularly positive for myself (designs on going back in the gym but think I probably need to wait a few days after a week of no food at all before that's sensible). I hope she reaches out first, it's not really her style to make the first move but I also know she needs to breathe and the path forward has to be on her terms. We are allowed to text by mutual agreement but I don't want to make the first move on that front.

I'm trying not to overthink everything (I know I'm failing at that) but just got to see how it all shakes out in the end.

You need a hug, mate. Have you got any mates you can go out with? Get along the cinema, maybe? Climbing wall? Go karting? Go to a local gig? Anything you don't usually do.

If you feel like going to the gym, do it -exercise always cheers me up - but don't feed on the idea that there's anything wrong with you that needs sorting or anything. Nobody's perfect and you don't need to try and be better because of this. Really sounds like you need a bit of comfort and fun more than self-improvement and soul-searching.

Disclaimer: Just suggestions; not advice!

[kick it off 1,952]

So I ended up having some kind of meltdown on Wednesday morning 😂 definitely wasn't in the calm waters I thought i was.

Been staying with family the rest of the week and they have talked some sense into me.

I decided to break cover last night and reach out, because I had a feeling it was just being strung out and i decided to just see if she would respond or not, as i had a feeling she wouldnt....

so i messaged asking her to call briefly so I could have a few questions answered that I needed to move on. Told her I wasn't angry or going to guilt trip her, just wanted an honest convo.... she ignored it. Of course she did. She isnt coming back. That's closure enough in itself. If she cared how I was, she would have reached out by now.

It sucks, because I did so much for her and her whole family through some really rough times, so not responding at all is just disrespectful imo, and reflects poorly on her.  I made some mistakes, so did she, but neither of us betrayed or hurt the other. It didn't need to end like this. I don't deserve it.

I spent my Friday watching my daughter cry when I told her she was gone. I wonder how her Friday is going...? 🤔

I'm still sad, and I still love her, but I am so done with spending time and energy on someone who just bombshelled me and abandoned me after feeding me a load of BS. Time to rebuild and time to move on. We're just at different life stages and don't want the same things right now.

Thanks once again for the support on here. Il be honest, I probably wouldn't have posted if I'd been able to think straight at the time, but kind of glad I did. It'll serve as a reminder about the consequences if im not more careful the next time I get into a relationship.

Edited March 10, 2023 by kick it off

[TheGunnShow 5,940]

On 08/03/2023 at 20:57, littleyellowbirdie said:

You need a hug, mate. Have you got any mates you can go out with? Get along the cinema, maybe? Climbing wall? Go karting? Go to a local gig? Anything you don't usually do.

If you feel like going to the gym, do it -exercise always cheers me up - but don't feed on the idea that there's anything wrong with you that needs sorting or anything. Nobody's perfect and you don't need to try and be better because of this. Really sounds like you need a bit of comfort and fun more than self-improvement and soul-searching.

Disclaimer: Just suggestions; not advice!

The bit in bold is something that's pretty well proven - men in particular tended to withdraw from their circles of friends when in romantic relationships. Women tend to bounce back faster for a multitude of reasons, but one is that they tend to keep their friends more. We do have a bit of a problem that romance is supposed to be all-enveloping and that a partner is supposed to be everything all in one.

I have seen the odd very recent titbit seeing this trend being reversed, which would be superb news, but something for us all to bear in mind.

Why most men don't have enough close friends | CNN

Men struggle to keep friends — and it’s hurting their mental health - National | Globalnews.ca

Why You Need to Stay in Touch with Male Friends as You Age (menshealth.com)

Why Men Don't Have Friends and Why Women Should Care - Jesse Lyn Stoner (seapointcenter.com)

[daly 504]

My girlfriend asked me to have sex

Had to disappoint her

We had sex

 

[wcorkcanary 4,334]

17 hours ago, daly said:

My girlfriend asked me to have sex

Had to disappoint her

We had sex

 

Gary Delaney  take a bow. Daly, stop posting on this thread, you are clearly in no position to give sensible advice.  Offo is obviously distressed and you arent helping.

[daly 504]

On 07/03/2023 at 22:12, Rock The Boat said:

As Ricardo says, we all have been through this, and you will too. Happened to me when I was in my early twenties. At the time a mate gave me a piece of advice 'Go and have sex with someone as soon as possible'. I was initially quite taken aback with his advice but it actually was good advice as it shows you do have agency.

I was replying to RTB nothing to do with KIO posting

Get real

[daly 504]

PS who is  Gary Delaney  

That joke has been going around for 50  years 

Heard it at The Washington Club when RD owned it and Bob Monkhouse and Tropical Linda we’re performing