Dealing with heartbreak

[kick it off 1,952]

My ex split up with me last night. I'm totally shattered, and broken and I dont know what to do with myself. I've never been like this before after a breakup but I had never invested so much in a relationship before. She is my best friend, my soulmate and we had our futures planned together. We'd been together nearly 2 years and been through a really rough series of events happening from external factors, including being the primary caregivers as her mum fought a short, unexpected and BRUTAL battle with cancer. Her mum passed away last July, and she has a lot of unprocessed grief and trauma (as do I but obviously its a differing scale). We've been going well recently, both happy in the relationship, but she has recently taken a turn into quite a dark episode. 

She suddenly went from getting on with life, with grief in the background but ever present to being totally unable to process any emotion. No joy, no sadness, no anger, just numbness. She described it as feeling like she wasn't present, and her body did things on autopilot. She cannot think more than 24 hours ahead or plan anything. It was like a switch was flicked, closing off her emotions. She is essentially having a disassociative episode, where her frontal cortex (Logic, reasoning, decisions) shuts down and her Limbic system takes over (survival instinct). It's basically a response to high stress levels that stops you functioning so that you can just survive and get through each day.

She decided that she had too many pressures on her time and couldn't get enough headspace to do what she needed to do to process the grief. She has exams coming up, one of her family members is in a dark place and I was the time pressure that was optional not mandatory. 

She basically said she has to make time to deal with her grief and that she doesn't have any emotional capacity for anybody else right now. She is determined she wants to figure this out on her own and wants to be by herself. I understand and accept that, but I can't reconcile that with where the relationship was just a few weeks ago and it having to end. I can give her whatever space she needs for as long as she needs it. My priority is her feeling better. I feel like ending the relationship instead of pausing it is a survival response, not a rational one (not through ego or anything, just because I've watched her behaviour). There are other minor issues on the horizon which she flagged in terms of circumstance and logistics but these are ones we could easily resolve, however at the moment, there is no talking to her, she's made her mind up that these obstacles are insurmountable and that's that. I need to wait for the rational part of her brain to re-engage before I can have those kind of convos with her.

My current process is I'm not taking this as being the end for us, because I don't believe she's made this choice based on logic, but because of the survival response. She has never indicated her feelings changed or anything like that even as we broke up. I would accept the decision if I thought she had considered it with all her cognitive functions and that's what she chose, but I don't think that's the case, I think she has done what she needed to do to survive in the moment. I don't think she will process the breakup with me until after her exams finish, because the survival mode operation is very much tunnel vision. I think that after her exams, she will have space to get into a better headspace and evaluate what she really wants. She may decide then it is over, and I will accept that and move forward, but I think there is a strong chance that she may want the relationship back. I know that sounds like denial, but it's what I believe having looked at the situation objectively and rationally.

Sorry for the essay! My question is, whilst I have hope for us in the future, in the here and now, she has told me she doesn't want me or my support. She wants to be alone. How the **** do I deal with it without falling apart? I haven't eaten since Sunday, I didn't sleep at all last night, I'm an absolute mess and I don't know how to fix me. I feel so broken, lost and empty without her by my side, we've been inseparable for two years.

[Canary Wundaboy 1,359]

Sorry to hear this. Breakups are tough, and given the circumstances that you've outlined I can see why you're reluctant to accept this as the "end" of your relationship. That is of course your choice and you can totally adopt that stance. What I would say is that you absolutely have to give her the time and space she's told you she needs. There is no "but I know best" in this scenario, if you try to interfere and smother her you'll just push her further and further away. So give her what she's asked for. I'm not 100% not clear but it's inferred that you guys aren't living together so at least you don't have each other in your physical space which is good, so reduce the messages you send her, make it clear that you're there if she needs you but don't put any pressure on her or act/insinuate that you're still a couple, take that at face value (at least visibly to her) at this point.

All that said:

"How the **** do I deal with it without falling apart? I haven't eaten since Sunday, I didn't sleep at all last night, I'm an absolute mess and I don't know how to fix me. I feel so broken, lost and empty without her by my side, we've been inseparable for two years."

You need to take care of yourself right now. If you do fall apart here and she does need you, then you wont be in a good space to give her what she needs at that point. If the relationship is indeed over, then descending into a poor mental state yourself is not going to help. Reach out to your support network, friends, family, hell even co-workers who you know well. Don't be afraid to express your emotions, talk through the situation. A physical shift may help, go and stay with someone for a bit or try going out of the house a bit more rather than stewing by yourself in a place where everything reminds you of her. Focus your attention on things other than your relationship and the things you used to do together: throw yourself into work or hobbies, set yourself goals and make sure you exercise and eat well. 

I would strongly suggest you mute her on social media, and resist the urge to check up on her socials repeatedly. Just keep it to text or a single messaging app, keep the communications on a single channel to stop it spreading into other areas of your focus.

Feel free to send me a DM if you want or need to speak privately, and best of luck.

[kick it off 1,952]

Thank you, I really appreciate the considered advice and support. We currently kind of semi live together, she was staying here like 4 nights a week, and was about to move in full time in a few weeks (she was excited about that and we were happily picking out a holiday 3 weeks ago - that's why I don't believe she has made this choice with any rationale except survival), but she is staying with a friend for the foreseeable future. I have reconciled with giving her the space she needs and haven't contacted her today at all. The temptation is strong, but I realise that all I will do is push her further away, as you say, so I'm refraining. She will reach out sooner or later because all her stuff is down here and hopefully we can have some kind of positive, supportive convo but any discussion of us has to be parked until she is well enough to think about it rationally and come to a measured decision.

I've spent pretty much the last 24 hours on the phone. Talking through the situation definitely helps. I even called the Samaritans last night (not suicidal, but nobody else was around cuz it was really late and I needed to talk it through). Considering whether to stay somewhere else for the weekend, I'm not in work tomorrow as I'm just not fit to be, and have already informed them.

I'm not on any social media, she's on all of them pretty much but I've pretty much kept clear of that. I know there is nobody else in the picture or anything like that so I don't really have any cause to go snooping.

I hear you about taking care of myself, I do need to do better on that front. I hadn't rationalised it as being something that she may need me to be doing if she does want support etc at any point. 

Even though I still strongly believe there is hope for us, I still can't shake the feeling of emptiness and everything being pointless right now. It's not just the loss of my relationship, because she was so much more. I'd built my life around her, she was my support system, my rock, we have each other's back always, and mostly she is my best friend. We've been pretty much inseparable for two years, and have stuck together with some horrific **** being thrown at us. It's really difficult to accept that suddenly she doesn't want my support or help, and just wants to be left alone. It's just not her. It's like losing the relationship, all the things I mentioned above, and also losing the person she is/was. I know it's temporary and she will be back once she has got through the stress period, but I just hope that when she does get back to herself that she still wants me in her life. 

[Foxy2600 301]

Geez! As one door closes, another one opens…

Genuinely, I fell in love with a complete stranger on the rebound - out of the blue.

It didn’t last but it all got put into proportion after that moment. We get 3 score and 10. 

Edited March 3, 2023 by Foxy2600
I shouldn't be giving details

[kick it off 1,952]

5 minutes ago, Foxy2600 said:

Geez! As one door closes, another one opens…

Genuinely, I fell in love with a complete stranger on the streets of Copenhagen.

It didn’t last but it all got put into proportion. We get 3 score and 10. 

I get that mentality but I don't feel like this door is shut. Not yet anyway.

[Foxy2600 301]

Just now, kick it off said:

I get that mentality but I don't feel like this door is shut. Not yet anyway.

Well mate there’s hope! However, for everyone of us that accept the inevitable there’s another ‘potential partner’ who is in the exact same position. 
I’ve not ever been involved with Internet Dating but seriously, there are some lovely people out there who are just as ‘sick to death’ as you. Just step out of your comfort zone. You’ll be fine.

[TheGunnShow 5,940]

I can't really speak from romantic experience as the guy who was stubbornly, relentlessly, unyieldingly single all his life until a few months ago, so no worries if you don't really want to read further. My break-up experiences are all due to deaths - all the family and a couple of friends, one who was several years younger than me but sadly elected suicide.

The limbo's the kicker. You're absolutely right not to push - she's asked you for space so pushing would be disregarding the new boundary she's tried to set and if things are set up such that she is bound to come back at some stage, I think that would be the time to try and broach it with her - when she's come back to pick stuff up or similar. But at the minute the pain seems to be in the complete lack of closure - it's completely either/or and that seems a painful place to be.

Not to mention, you've both had to face a heck of a lot of adversity in a pretty short period of time. It would test most people. If you know you can give her the space, be confident in that and let her have it. In the meantime, the best thing you could do for yourself - although it will be VERY hard to start - is to look after yourself properly. Not doing so can be a bit of a vicious circle. (Heck, I loved boxing training for that. It's therapeutic taking out stresses on punchbags and such that are designed for that purpose!)

If it does end, I would say that you absolutely have to grieve but most importantly, don't lionise the past and don't lionise her. We do have the habit of remembering everything good about people we liked/loved and turning a relative blind eye to what irritated us about them.

As said, it might not be particularly qualified from experience so others might have better, more tailored advice, so I'll just say "fingers crossed".

[kick it off 1,952]

Thank you TGS - the limbo is surprisingly easy to accept at this point because ultimately by the time we come to resolve that, I will have been in this new reality for a while and should have acclimatised to it. I'm hoping that by the time she is ready to make that decision that I will be fairly zen about what happens ultimately, but right now I just can't see my future without her, she's my world and I can't contemplate this not being fixed.

I don't think there's much to lionise to be honest. There wasn't much that irritated me and most of it was minor stuff. Our relationship was solid, our connection intense, loyalty unflinching, that's what's frustrating about the whole thing. There is literally not a problem in the relationship except the circumstantial stuff. The actual relationship between the two of us was thriving and full of love, laughter and fun.

[dylanisabaddog 4,931]

Where is a woman when you need one? This site is male dominated and you probably need a woman to explain what's going on. 

I may be shot down in flames but how old is she? 

I'm probably the worst person to give advice because my only real experience of the fairer sex is one ex wife and 3 daughters. What I noticed with them was that they rarely if ever changed their minds, which was sometimes alarming because they would occasionally make important decisions based on little or no knowledge or experience. That may just be them of course,  but based on the flimsiest of evidence I wouldn't expect her to change her mind. 

[Barbe bleu 827]

Sorry to read this, your pain bleeds through in your words.

I'm not sure I can advise but what CW says seems sensible.  Give the space she wants but take that space for yourself too. Don't do anything daft but think of it as an opportunity to gather your thoughts and experience the bits of life you have been neglecting.

From what you describe it doesn't seem about you but about 'life events' so remain confident

 

Edited March 3, 2023 by Barbe bleu

[king canary 7,609]

First of all @kick it off, my sympathies to you. Breakups can be awful. My advice (although obviously each situation is unique)...

1. You're doing the right thing by giving her space and you've got to make sure you really do. It can be tempting to send texts or similar just to 'check in' but I think you've got to let her take the lead on this.
2. It sounds also like she should be looking into counselling to deal with her grief. She's clearly been through a lot and you, even with the best will in the world, won't be able to provide the support she needs.
3. Don't put your life on hold for her though. You clearly care about her deeply but you have to be honest with yourself in that there is a chance that this is it for this relationship. The worst thing you can do for yourself is sit at home waiting for her to change her mind and turn down opportunities that might take your life in a different and possibly even better direction. 

[kick it off 1,952]

47 minutes ago, king canary said:

First of all @kick it off, my sympathies to you. Breakups can be awful. My advice (although obviously each situation is unique)...

1. You're doing the right thing by giving her space and you've got to make sure you really do. It can be tempting to send texts or similar just to 'check in' but I think you've got to let her take the lead on this.
2. It sounds also like she should be looking into counselling to deal with her grief. She's clearly been through a lot and you, even with the best will in the world, won't be able to provide the support she needs.
3. Don't put your life on hold for her though. You clearly care about her deeply but you have to be honest with yourself in that there is a chance that this is it for this relationship. The worst thing you can do for yourself is sit at home waiting for her to change her mind and turn down opportunities that might take your life in a different and possibly even better direction. 

Thanks King, I referred her for grief counselling a few weeks ago when she opened up that she was really struggling - her first appointment is in 3 weeks. I know you're right about sitting, waiting, wishing but 3 weeks ago she was telling me how weird it was when we're not together and it feels like a part of her is missing when we're apart. Nothing has changed since then, no significant issues in the relationship, no arguments etc - we were happy and loving and it was just a great relationship and that was 3 weeks ago.

How do you go from that to nothing? My whole future and life plans have just been ripped away, without warning and without any real cause other than her going through a stressful time and her brain switching onto autopilot to help her survive that. I just can't lose everything we've built together because she made a decision when she wasn't in control of herself, unable to think clearly and literally had no use of her decision making part of her brain. She described herself as feeling "like she wasn't present, like she was watching herself from a distance, on autopilot, unable to process any kind of emotion, unable to think at all, not in control of herself" in the first couple of days after the switch flipped - I can't lose everything based on a decision made under those terms? I know I might but I just cannot reconcile myself with that possibility.

Edited March 3, 2023 by kick it off

[kick it off 1,952]

3 hours ago, dylanisabaddog said:

Where is a woman when you need one? This site is male dominated and you probably need a woman to explain what's going on. 

I may be shot down in flames but how old is she? 

I'm probably the worst person to give advice because my only real experience of the fairer sex is one ex wife and 3 daughters. What I noticed with them was that they rarely if ever changed their minds, which was sometimes alarming because they would occasionally make important decisions based on little or no knowledge or experience. That may just be them of course,  but based on the flimsiest of evidence I wouldn't expect her to change her mind. 

She's 21, lost her mum at 20 and it was very sudden and unexpected. It's a huge trauma to go through, especially at that age. I know she won't change her mind at the moment, she cannot process any kind of logic or reasoning. Her brain literally cannot deal with it, so she is going to be rigid in her thinking because any kind of questioning of that adds to her cognitive load and she can't process it.... but I just feel and hope that when she does get herself sorted and can process it that she will want us again.

[kick it off 1,952]

1 hour ago, Barbe bleu said:

Sorry to read this, your pain bleeds through in your words.

I'm not sure I can advise but what CW says seems sensible.  Give the space she wants but take that space for yourself too. Don't do anything daft but think of it as an opportunity to gather your thoughts and experience the bits of life you have been neglecting.

From what you describe it doesn't seem about you but about 'life events' so remain confident

 

Thank you

[ricardo 7,395]

Life can be painful and some things can't be mended. I know thats no help in your present situation but it is a part of life that almost everyone has to go through at one time or another. All I can offer is sympathy for what you are having to go through, take one day at a time.

[kick it off 1,952]

22 minutes ago, ricardo said:

Life can be painful and some things can't be mended. I know thats no help in your present situation but it is a part of life that almost everyone has to go through at one time or another. All I can offer is sympathy for what you are having to go through, take one day at a time.

Thanks Ricardo. I just can't get past feeling that it can be mended and it doesn't need much to fix it, except for her to get back into her usual state of thinking. I know that may take time but this episode is temporary and she will get back to her usual self sooner or later. It's just a total bombshell and I'm devastated beyond words

[ricardo 7,395]

15 minutes ago, kick it off said:

Thanks Ricardo. I just can't get past feeling that it can be mended and it doesn't need much to fix it, except for her to get back into her usual state of thinking. I know that may take time but this episode is temporary and she will get back to her usual self sooner or later. It's just a total bombshell and I'm devastated beyond words

I know its little consolation but we have all been there at some time in our lives and I know how sharp that pain can be. I hope things come together for you and although you don't want to hear the old sayings like, "when on door closes anothe door opens", or "time is a great healer", they are never the less truisms.

[kick it off 1,952]

Just now, ricardo said:

I know its little consolation but we have all been there at some time in our lives and I know how sharp that pain can be. I hope things come together for you and although you don't want to hear the old sayings like, "when on door closes anothe door opens", or "time is a great healer", they are never the less truisms.

If I thought it was a choice she had made, in full control of herself, I could accept it and move on although I'd still be devastated obviously. She just isn't even close to herself right now, and she certainly isn't processing things at all, let alone normally - this is a huge life choice. I appreciate the adages but I'm just not OK with closing this particular door in these circumstances.

[keelansgrandad 6,679]

Women are alright but they aren't as good as the real thing.

And if they invent a d i l d o that opens a pickle jar, they won't need us.

[ricardo 7,395]

10 minutes ago, kick it off said:

If I thought it was a choice she had made, in full control of herself, I could accept it and move on although I'd still be devastated obviously. She just isn't even close to herself right now, and she certainly isn't processing things at all, let alone normally - this is a huge life choice. I appreciate the adages but I'm just not OK with closing this particular door in these circumstances.

I can well understand that, just don't do anything silly and see how it plays out.

[kick it off 1,952]

She came round to get her stuff today. (Long read, sorry)

I know this is going to sound weird, but I feel so much happier and better for it. She came round today when she thought I'd be at work (not been in work since we split as was too broken). Cowardly move to hide from her guilt but she didn't know what to do or how to handle it and we talked that through. I was still in pieces this morning but having the conversations we needed to have was the tonic I needed to pull myself together.

I was obviously sad to see her packing her stuff and leaving, but it gave me some closure on the current situation and I understand what has happened and why. It was slightly more considered than I had given credit for but she agreed that she isn't in her normal frame of mind, and the stuff that caused the breakup was an accumulation of little things, all of which are easily fixed. It's really not a reason to throw all this away. If she had communicated how she was feeling sooner, then we could have figured it out. This whole episode really didn't need to happen. I needed to speak my truths and I did, and I was heard. We had a really positive, productive conversation.

The net result is we're friends (I know everyone says no contact is best etc, but that's not the right solution for us, no contact would drive me insane). We're not going to call each other, but texts are fine and now that I know I COULD text her and it would be responded to, it's no longer in my head that I want to. It's taken all of the insanity over wanting to reach out to her away, because I know where the situation is. I'm not going to move first on that front now that we have established the boundaries, and will wait for her to break silence and follow her lead but it's not driving me insane not being able to contact her anymore.  

Neither one of us has shut the door on getting back together in the future, once we've had a bit of breathing space. She walked in with no designs on us getting back together, and being single for the next 18months whilst she does what she needs to do, she was pretty clear about that when she arrived. When she left after hearing me out, and listening to my perspective, we both had an idea of where the changes would need to be, what a future relationship could look like and understanding that getting back together in the future is a serious option, and both of us have hope for that whereas this morning only I did. 

She told me she loves me, she said that if she is going to be with anyone that it would be me, she's not looking for or interested in anyone else, she missed me when she went to sleep last night and we kissed on the lips a few times. Not a makeout type kiss, more a peck but it was there and real.

I know some will read this and think I'm setting myself up for a fall, but I'm not putting all my eggs in this basket. I know now there's a decent shot at getting back together and I wasn't holding on to false hope but I also know there's a strong chance we won't.

Either way, I need to sort myself out so I'm as attractive as I can be, either for her when we're ready to look at that or for someone else if that doesn't pan out. I've fixed a lot of my emotional issues over recent weeks, so I've just got to rebuild a life without her, and then if she comes back we'll fit it all together, if she doesn't then I'll be in a good spot to be happy by myself or with another. Minimum is we will be friends, and until either one of us met somebody else, there's no issue with that. Cross that bridge if and when we come to it, but until then we're fine and being friends and in contact, won't stop me moving forward.

We like spending time together and enjoy each other's company so our friendship will include seeing each other (I let her lead that bit of the convo so I could get a feel for where she was at, and she still wants to see and spend time with me) moving forward, in a platonic way. Neither of us would rather spend time with anyone else, we've been best friends for two years, and there's no reason we can't continue to enjoy each other's company as both of us are comfortable with that so we've agreed to meet up on neutral ground for a drink in a couple of weeks.

I know this kind of thing wouldn't work for everyone after a breakup but for me, this was exactly what I needed to feel better. It's also given me some closure on the present, hope for the future, an understanding of our boundaries, an idea of how we move forward and what both of us want. If I'm honest, I feel like taking time out and then spending time together as friends will more likely than not see us get back together when the dust has settled a bit but I'm not presuming anything and I'm not counting on it.

Edited March 3, 2023 by kick it off

[ricardo 7,395]

I am glad that you are now a bit more confident about the future and more settled in your own mind. It's always good to talk things through. Best wishes to you KIO.

[daly 505]

Can remember my ex wife walking out leaving me with 3 kids to move in with her lover

Took a gallon of petrol to his premises and ready to fire the place.

Cant remember why I didn’t go through with it.  Certainly glad I didn’t 

That was the best thing that could have happened to me met the most lovely woman couple of months later and have been together 50 years

Move on if you’re going to get back together it will happen 

[kick it off 1,952]

6 hours ago, TheDarkKnight said:

I'm sorry to hear it.

Trust me, I know exactly what you're going through. A decade on and I'm still going through it.

All you can do is give it time. I know that you don't want to, but you have to put yourself first and look after you. If she does come back, you want it to be when you're healthy, both mentally and physically.

I lost 3 stone in the first couple of months of my experience and my skin developed strange stress blisters. So I know how Psychologically it can mess you up.

Take it a day at a time

Thank you, I've lost a stone this week already. I'm more together than I was yesterday but I just really miss her. I just want it all to be OK. My weekend was meant to be us spending time together, now it's empty and bleak and I don't have much of a network round here.

[keelansgrandad 6,679]

59 minutes ago, kick it off said:

Thank you, I've lost a stone this week already. I'm more together than I was yesterday but I just really miss her. I just want it all to be OK. My weekend was meant to be us spending time together, now it's empty and bleak and I don't have much of a network round here.

Are you still in contact? If so, then that is a good sign.

[kick it off 1,952]

1 hour ago, keelansgrandad said:

Are you still in contact? If so, then that is a good sign.

Weve agreed that texting is ok, phone calls too much at this point, and we made a loose arrangement to meet up in 2 weeks for a drink. She said yesterday (came to get her stuff) that she could see us getting back together in the future and she was missing me and loved me. There was lots of hope from our conversation but I know how dangerous hope is when you're broken.

Edited March 4, 2023 by kick it off

[TheGunnShow 5,940]

This is "you time". Any self-improvement ideas you had, use this to power it.

[daly 505]

Would imagine you need to know if there’s anyone else involved 

Women can tell you anything you want to hear

If there is move on

[kick it off 1,952]

15 minutes ago, daly said:

Would imagine you need to know if there’s anyone else involved 

Women can tell you anything you want to hear

If there is move on

There's 100% nobody else involved, I'm certain of that.

[keelansgrandad 6,679]

38 minutes ago, kick it off said:

Weve agreed that texting is ok, phone calls too much at this point, and we made a loose arrangement to meet up in 2 weeks for a drink. She said yesterday (came to get her stuff) that she could see us getting back together in the future and she was missing me and loved me. There was lots of hope from our conversation but I know how dangerous hope is when you're broken.

I think a break is sometimes helpful. Mrs KG and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary in January. And during our courtship we had a short split and it gave us time to realise we were better off together than apart.

I have everything possible crossed for you.