Christmas jokes ?

[Lessingham Canary 99]

Knock Knock

Who''s there?

Wayne

Wayne who?

Wayne in a manger...!

[Fuzzar 1,702]

My wife wants a new rug for the hallway this Christmas, but I can''t afford it.

So I''m planning to go to the carpet shop and do a runner.

[Lessingham Canary 99]

I like the old Tommy cooper ones, so here is a couple.

I went to the doctors. He said ''What appears to be the problem?''. I said ''I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away''. He said ''How can I help?''. I said ''Break my arms!''

I went to the doctor the other day, I said ''with all the excitement of Christmas I can''t sleep'''' he said '' Try lying on the edge of your bed, you''ll soon drop off''

[Iwans Big Toe 312]

I thought about posting my own jokes but struggled to come up with original material and all I could think of is jokes I won''t doI won''t do jokes about a naked woman covered in petrol, but that''d just be crude.I try not to do jokes about Parmesan, they just grate.I will also try and avoid jokes about bad golfers, as they''re generally below par.And you''ll never find me doing jokes about holes that have been dug in the ground, they''re the pits.Actually after giving it some thought, I''ve got a load of puns and I''m think I could do a theatrical performance about them. It would be a play on words.

[TCCANARY 263]

Q Why wasn''t Jesus born in 1p5wich?

A They couldn''t find three wise men and a virgin.

[hogesar 9,674]

What''s the difference between Basil Brush and a suicide bomber?

A suicide bomber only goes BOOM once.

Merry Christmas everyone, they only get worse from here on in...and if I get banned...it''s been worth it.

[Lessingham Canary 99]

I thought about posting my own jokes but struggled to come up with original material and all I could think of is jokes I won''t do

I won''t do jokes about a naked woman covered in petrol, but that''d just be crude.

I try not to do jokes about Parmesan, they just grate.

I will also try and avoid jokes about bad golfers, as they''re generally below par.

IBT wrote; And you''ll never find me doing jokes about holes that have been dug in the ground, they''re the pits.

Actually after giving it some thought, I''ve got a load of puns and I''m think I could do a theatrical performance about them. It would be a play on words.

Rumour has that IBT got his first job in a Orange Squash factory, but got sacked because he couldn''t concentrate.

Just a rumour ;-)

[morty 0]

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[Hvittsson 0]

A man U fan went into a travel agents asking if there was anywhere good to go on holiday over Christmas?

The travel agent replied "well you can''t beat the Canneries this time of Year”

[The Voice Of Reason 0]

That sounds very similar to Canaries

[Lessingham Canary 99]

That sounds very similar to Canaries

Cue canned laughter.................

[Iwans Big Toe 312]

[quote user="Lessingham Canary"]That sounds very similar to Canaries

Cue canned laughter.................[/quote]I see what you did there LC.It does take me back to the time I used to work in a baked bean factory, that was until I got canned.

[hogesar 9,674]

A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"

I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad''s your cotton-picker, it''s opposite the watermelon."

As I lay here in hospital, I''m thinking to myself, "That''s the last time I eat those bloody Rowntree''s Randoms!"

[Lessingham Canary 99]

An Ipswich supporter phones up his workplace on a Monday morning...

"Sorry Boss, I can''t come in today, I''m sick"

"Tractor Boy this is the third Monday in a row you''ve had off. Just how sick are you?"

"Well, I''m in bed with my little sister at the moment if that''s any help."

[Lessingham Canary 99]

I read recently that most companies deliberately employ one useless, incompetent, talentless dumbarse, just to boost office morale, focus the other employees, and divert attention away from any management failings.

What b******s! I''ve looked around the whole office, and none of my colleagues fit that description.

[Mr Jenkins 0]

I enjoy a good Christmas joke 😀

[Lessingham Canary 99]

Help us out then Mr Jenkins............... struggling as you can see.

[hogesar 9,674]

I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for christmas.

It''s such a joy to watch their faces light up!

[hogesar 9,674]

A woman with a clipboard just knocked at our door. She asked me if we would have an Ethiopian child for christmas.

We normally have a turkey but, feck it, I''ll try anything once.

[Mr Jenkins 0]

How did Scrooge win the football match?

The ghost of Christmas passed 😀

[KoromaCrab 0]

What did RVW say when someone stepped on his foot during a match?

A: Aoooowwwwww!

[hogesar 9,674]

What did RVW do when put through one-on-one with the goalkeeper?

SCORE!!!!!!!!!

(Yes, I know he''d have missed, this is a joke).

[Katie Borkins 1]

What''s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

With a drum machine, you only have to punch the rhythm in once.

[Lessingham Canary 99]

Don''t want to get technical, but according to scientists Alcohol is a solution.......

Cheers everybody

[Herman 9,767]

Knock.Knock.Who''s there?Knock knock.Who''s there?Knock knock knock.Who''s there?[:@]Knock knock knock kno....FUCK OFF, FIBONACCI[8o|]

[KoromaCrab 0]

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about Norwich City beating the Red Devils in a Manchester hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

[Katie Borkins 1]

I went to the Doctor about my hearing complaint.

He asked me to describe the symptoms.

I said "well, Homer is fat and Marge has massive hair."

[ron obvious 1,502]

I may have thought of an original joke (or more likely if it''s any good, dredged it up from the dim & distant )

" I don''t care how far you''ve come, or what kind of fecking royalty you are, you can''t just swan in here & demand to see him just like that ... oh the MANGER ... well it''s out the back, you can''t miss it (aside: though Christ knows why they''d want to see that ...)"

[KoromaCrab 0]

How can you tell if RVW is dressed as Santa?

if he has Santa claws!

[YankeeCanary 0]

Okay, I know it doesn''t have a Christmas theme but it may make one or two chuckle.....

An air traffic control tower lost communication with a small, twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot, who lost communication, was on a cellular phone and yelling:

“Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!”"“The pilot just had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his  pocket because he told me before we took off that he had the tower on his speed dial memory.  I am flying upside down at 8,000 feet in zero visibility and traveling at 180 mph....Mayday, Mayday!!”

 

The tower, immediately, put him on speaker phone  and the Controller spoke,

 

"Calm down, calm down; we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions.

The first thing is not to panic, remain calm"!

 

The Controller asked,

 

"How do you know you are traveling at 8,000 feet"?

Aircraft:

"I can see that it reads 8,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me"

 

Controller, "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph"?

 

Aircraft:

"I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me".

 

Controller:

"Okay, okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you''re flying inverted or upside down"?

 

Aircraft:

"The s**t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar".