The Season starts so it's FRIDAY

[The Butler 0]

While in China , an American man is very sexually
promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.    A
week after arrivingback home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green and
purple spots.    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a
doctor.    The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two
days for the results.  The man returns a couple of days
later and the doctor says: ''I''ve got bad news for
you - you''ve contracted Mongolian VD.    It''s very
rare and almost unheard of here.    We know very little
about it.''  The man looks a little perplexed and says:
''Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,
Doc.''    The doctor answers: ''I''m sorry,
there''s no known cure.    We''re going to have to
amputate your penis.''  The man screams in horror,
''Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.''  The
doctor replies: ''Well, it''s your choice.    Go ahead
if you want but surgery is your only choice.''  The next
day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that
he''ll know more about the disease.    The Chinese doctor
examines his penis and proclaims: ''Ah, yes, Mongolian
VD.    Vely rare disease.''  The guy says to the doctor:
''Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what ca n we do? 
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
penis!''  The Chinese doctor shakes his head an d
laughs: ''Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate.
Make more money that way.    No need to opelate!'' 
''Oh, Thank God!'' the man replies.  ''Yes,''
says the Chinese doctor, ''You no worry!    Wait two
weeks.    Faw off by itself. 

[The Butler 0]

 In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.   

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. 

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. 

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ''cocktails'', ''highballs'' and just a good old-fashioned ''stiff drink''. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.     

[The Butler 0]

CAN PEOPLE BE THIS . . . . . . STUPID . . ??
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer:     "I''ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can''t get through to enquiries, can you help?" .
Operator:     "Where did you get that number from, sir?" .
Customer:     "It was on the door to the Travel Centre" .
Operator:     "Sir, they are our opening hours"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:     "I''m sorry, sir, I don''t understand who you are talking about" .
Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning . Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator:     "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall" .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator:    " Doesn''t the product give you a clue?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ) "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller:               "I''d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please" .
Operator:          "I''m sorry, there''s no listing . Is the spelling correct?"
Caller:               "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ''B'' fell off" .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven .
Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller:             "Yes . That''s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland " .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven''t got a pen, so I''m steaming up the window to write the number on" .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop" .
Customer:             "OK" .
Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?" .
Customer:             "No" .
Tech Support:      "OK . Right-Click again . Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer:             "No" .
Tech Support:      "OK, sir . Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" .
Customer:            "Sure . You told me to write ''click'' and I wrote ''click''" .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:          "OK . In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ''OK'' button displayed?"
Customer:                "Wow . How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it . If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?" .
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------
There''s always one . This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time . I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department . . Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause" . Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee . (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I''m having trouble with WordPerfect . "
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away . "
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared . "
Operator:         "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing . "
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It''s blank; it won''t accept anything when I type . "
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller:              "What''s a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn''t any cursor: I told you, it won''t accept anything I type . "
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What''s a monitor?"
Operator:         "It''s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV . Does it have a little light that tells you when it''s  on??"
Caller:               "I don''t know . "
Operator:         "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes  into it . Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so . "
Operator:         "Great . Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it''s plugged into the wall .   Caller:              "Yes, it is .. "
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller:              "No . "
Operator:         "Well, there are . I need you to look back there again and find the other cable . "
Caller:              "Okay, here it is . "
Operator:         "Follow it for me, and tell me if it''s plugged securely into the back of your computer . "
Caller:               "I can''t reach . "
Operator:         "Uh huh . Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:               "No . "
Operator:         "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller:               "Oh, it''s not because I don''t have the right angle - it''s because it''s dark . "
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window .
Operator:         "Well, turn on the office light then . "
Caller:               "I can''t . "
Operator:         "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there''s a power failure . "
Operator:         "A power . . . . . . . . . A power failure? Aha, Okay, we''ve got it licked now .  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"  
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet . "
Operator:         "Good . . Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it . Then take it back to the store you bought it from . "
Caller:               "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:         "Yes, I''m afraid it is . "
Caller:               "Well, all right then, I suppose . What do I tell them??"
Operator:         "Tell them you''re too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!" ********************************************************

[dhickl 0]

[quote user="The Butler"]

Directory Enquiries
Caller:               "I''d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please" .
Operator:          "I''m sorry, there''s no listing . Is the spelling correct?"
Caller:               "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ''B'' fell off" . [/quote]Well I had the experience a few years ago that I didn''t know the number for the club, so I called directory inquiries (that shows how long ago it was).  My conversation went like this:

Me: Can I have the number for Norwich City Football Club

Operator: Which town is that in?

[ron obvious 1,711]

Actually I thought the man in the phone box was displaying initiative. Of course, he may have just been making a dirty phone call - in which case he was displaying even more initiative!An oldie but a goodieDoctor, while examining well-endowed young lady''s chest:"Big breaths""Yeth, & I''m only thixteen!"

[First Wazzock 1,014]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of ''a house of ill repute'' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, ''I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I''m not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, ...so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, ''Do any of the girls have any diseases?''

Of course the Madam said ''No''.

The boy said, ''I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT''S the girl I want.''

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, ''Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?''

He said, ''Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.

On the way, he''ll give her one in the car and he''ll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter''s, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE''S the pr*ck who ran over my FROG!''

[I am a Banana 0]

The phone calls are the best [y]

[First Wazzock 1,014]

A  cabbie picks up a Nun

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won''t stop staring at her. 
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: ''I have a question to ask you but I don''t want to offend you.'' 

She answers,
 ''My son, you cannot offend me. When you''re as old as I am
 and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I''m sure that there''s nothing
you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'' 
 
  ''Well, I''ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''
 
  She responds,
 ''Well, let''s see what we can do about that: 
 
  1, you have to be single and 
 
 2, you must be Catholic.''
 
The cab driver is very excited and says,
 ''Yes, I''m single and Catholic!''
 
''OK'' the nun says. ''Pull into the next alley.''

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
 make a hooker blush.
 
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
 
''My dear child,'' says the nun, ''why are you crying?''
''Forgive me but I''ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, 
  
 I''m married and I''m Jewish.'' 
 
 The nun says, ''That''s OK.
 
My name is Kevin and I''m going to a fancy dress party.

[First Wazzock 1,014]

This is wrong...

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"   

Woman: "Doctor, I don''t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."     

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don''t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."          

Two weeks  later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.  I  swished and swished, and he didn''t touch me!"  

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[First Wazzock 1,014]

A woman was taken into labour

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. 

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his  bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about  what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn''t have crawled in there in the first place...

smack his arse  again!"

[First Wazzock 1,014]

THE PASSING AWAY OF COMMON SENSE
 
June 5th, 2010
Obituary Printed in the London Times
 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain,
Why the early bird gets the worm,
Life isn’t always fair,
And, maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies;

don’t spend more than you can earn,
and reliable strategies;
adults, not children, are in charge.

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the religious organizations became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his spouse, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

Common Sense is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, please pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

[First Wazzock 1,014]

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

''Pick me up.''

He looked around and couldn''t see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

''Pick me up.''

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, ''Are you talking to me?''

The frog said, ''Yes, I''m talking to you.''   

Pick me up then, kiss me and I''ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I''ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!''

The man looked at
the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, ''What, are you nuts? Didn''t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.''

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 

''Nah, at my age I''d rather have a talking frog.''

 

With age comes wisdom.

[First Wazzock 1,014]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.
 
He went to the emergency room in Cork ''s hospital.
 
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ''Lets be avin'' da fingers and I''ll see what oi can do''.
 
Paddy said, ''Oi haven''t got da fingers.''
 
''Whadda ya mean you haven''t got da fingers?
 Lord Tunderin'' Jesus, it''s 2010!
We''s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn''t ya bring da fingers?!?'' 
 
 
And Paddy said,
'' How da f**k was I ''spose to pick them up !!!

[TIL 1010 5,246]

There has recently been a survey carried out involving dwarfs and apparently six out of seven are not Happy.

[morty 0]

Bloke goes into tattoo shop "I''m passionate about my local football team and want to get a tatt to show my loyalty". "Certainly Sir, what did you have in mind". "I thought I''d get it on my knuckles so it''ll be I - P - S - W - I - C - H  on my left and T - O - W - N on my right"

[DOGGER 0]

[quote user="morty"]Bloke goes into tattoo shop "I''m passionate about my local football team and want to get a tatt to show my loyalty". "Certainly Sir, what did you have in mind". "I thought I''d get it on my knuckles so it''ll be I - P - S - W - I - C - H  on my left and T - O - W - N on my right"[/quote]

[:D]

[InLambertWeTrust! 0]

I was in a geography exam today. Couldn''t remember a single thing about Pakistan.

Then it all came flooding back.

A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief...

Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.

I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:

''Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.

Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.''

And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn''t help but wonder...

What the hell does ''ternative'' mean?

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.

"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I''m never gonna give you Up."

[Mister Chops 7]

I went in

to a pet shop to buy a goldfish.  The guy said, ''Do you

want an aquarium?'' I said, ''I don''t care what star sign it is.''

[Captain Holt 580]

You sicken me CT ;)

[ron obvious 1,711]

[quote user="CT"]

I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:

''Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.

Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.''

And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn''t help but wonder...

What the hell does ''ternative'' mean?

[/quote]??????? Sorry, what''s funny about the idea of a father rushing home to sodomise his daughter? Why not make it his girlfriend? Replace dad with John or somesuch. Reasonably funny then.And I''d leave it a while before making jokes about vast numbers of people drowning, losing their homes, dying from starvation & disease etc. Mind you, that genocide in Rwanda weren''t arf a larf weren''t it.

[First Wazzock 1,014]

God said, ''Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.''

Adam said, ''Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?''

God said, ''Go down Into that valley.''

Adam said, ''What''s a Valley?''

God explained it to Him.

Then God said, ''Cross the river.''

Adam said, ''What''s a River?''

God explained that To him,

and then said, ''Go over to the hill....''

Adam said, ''What is a Hill?''

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, ''On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.''

Adam said, ''What''s a Cave?''

After God explained,
He said, ''In the cave You will find a woman.''

Adam said, ''What''s a Woman?''

So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, ''I Want you to Reproduce.''

Adam said, ''How do I do that?'' 

God first said (under His breath), ''Geez.....''

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley,

Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, ''What is it Now?''

And Adam said....

''What''s a headache?''

[lappinitup 629]

Moses takes Jesus down to riverside rd to do some fishing. Moses tackles up a rod and hands it to jesus who gives it an almighty cast, WHOOSH, straight into a bush on the far bank.

"Dont worry Jesus" said Moses "I''ll get it back for you." Moses then parts the water and walks across the river bed where he untangles the tackle from the bush and takes it back to Jesus. "Have another go Jesus but don''t do it so hard this time" said Moses. WHOOSH, straight into the bush again. "Bleedin'' hell Jesus, I said not so hard, never mind, I''ll get it back for you". Moses parted the water again and retrieved the tackle which he handed to Jesus again.

"Try once more Jesus but this time do it gently. If you get it in the bush again, you''ll have to get it yourself." WHOOSH! Straight in the bush yet again. "I bloody told you Jesus, I''m not getting it. Go on, get it yourself"

So Jesus started walking across the water to get his tackle from the bush. At that moment, two City fans were walking past on their way to the match "Bloody Hell" said one. "Look at that plonker walking on the water over there. Who does he think he is........

John Tilson?" [;)]

 

[Captain Holt 580]

Sorry, what''s funny about the idea of a father rushing home to sodomise his daughter? Why not make it his girlfriend? Replace dad with John or somesuch. Reasonably funny then.

And I''d leave it a while before making jokes about vast numbers of people drowning, losing their homes, dying from starvation & disease etc. Mind you, that genocide in Rwanda weren''t arf a larf weren''t it.

----------------------------------------------

Oh no, here we go again......

[BroadstairsR 0]

Tasteless jokes about the suffering of fellow human beings make me feel embarrassed for their perpetrators. Nothing else.

I will continue to read this Friday thread because some of the content is funny.

[Mister Chops 7]

Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T''PAU!

I said "Don''t you mean KAPOW??"

He said "No, I''ve got china in my hand."

[dhickl 0]

[quote user="Mister Chops"]Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T''PAU!

I said "Don''t you mean KAPOW??"

He said "No, I''ve got china in my hand."

[/quote]Half the board are probably too young to understand this one!

[First Wazzock 1,014]

[quote user="BroadstairsR"]Tasteless jokes about the suffering of fellow human beings make me feel embarrassed for their perpetrators. Nothing else. I will continue to read this Friday thread because some of the content is funny.[/quote]

Good approach.

I try to post the ''funny'' stuff I get and not the controversial, but by making a song and dance about it just attracts more attention to ''tasteless'' things.

Ignore and move on with the crass items.

[25overpar 0]

If the answer is ''Cock Robin'' , what''s the question?

"What''s that up my bum Batman?