Friday Joke

[The Butler 0]

The Pinkun web site[:D]

Sorry but I am now in my office and ALL my best material is at home!

[First Wizard 0]

Thats your best one yet mate![Y]

[city-till-i-die 7]

[quote user="The Butler"]

The Pinkun web site[:D]

Sorry but I am now in my office and ALL my best material is at home!

[/quote]This is just not good enough Butler...TUT TUT

A woman wakes up after having a vaginal tuck, to find 3 bunches of flowers on the window sill.

One from her surgeon saying  "all went well"

One from her husband saying "get well soon and i love you xxx"

and one from Tommy in the burns unit saying " thnx for the new ears"

 

Man stands naked infront of the mirrow, looks at his wife and says "why do i always get a hard on when i look at myself?"

Wife replies " Because even your cock thinks you are a Kunt"

[dreamteam 0]

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter''s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: ''what in the world are you

doing?''

The daughter replied: ''mom, I''m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I''ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.''

The next day, the girl''s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ''dad I''m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I''ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.''

A couple days later, the wife came home from a

shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: ''What the f@!* are you doing?''

The husband replied: ''I''m watching football with my son-in-law.''

[TIL 1010 4,753]

A 13 year old girl from Ipswich sent a letter to Jeremy Kyle " Dear Jeremy,all my friends have babies and i am the only one one my class who is not pregnant.Do you think my brothers are infertile?"

[StevoM 0]

What''s pink, cute and bubbly?

A baby in a boiling pot.

[Gary Dohertys Stalker 0]

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he
is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
The other man replies "I know do you realy think i asked for a 10 inch BIC"

[missing in action? 0]

paddy went to the doctors complaing of a persistant back problem."what have ya been up to paddy?""well dactar, oi have been aving sex doggy style."why dont you try doing it normally then?  replied the doctor."I would but the dog keeps licking my face!"

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,419]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, what is that you just served?

The waiter replied, Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull''s testicles from the bull fight this morning.

A house delicacy!

The cowboy said, What the heck, bring me the same.

The waiter replied, I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, these are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, ''Is, Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins.''*

[Attleborough Dan 0]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend?
She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.

That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age,
wore tight mini-skirts, and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She
never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the! wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings
and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really
want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I''m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!!

[The Butler 0]

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.

"B****s to that" said Paddy "that''s the last time I go lion dancing"

63 imigrants died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack,a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It''s called Trydixagain.

[The Young One 0]

Since the wife went senile allshe does is stare through the

window.  Maybe one day if it''s really f***ing wet and cold, I might let her

in

 

 

 

3 Irishmen in a bar.  Paddy says ''my local''s better than

this.  You buy 2 drinks and the 3rd is free.

Mick says, ''well in my local you buy 1 drink and you get the

2nd free''

Murphy says, ''that''s nothing.  In my local you buy the 1st

drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th & 7th are free.  Then you go out

back and are sh*gged senseless''

Wow, says the other 2, has that actually happened to

you?

No, but it happened to my sister!

 

 

 

 

[Beauseant 0]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
 office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, ''Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto
 ladies'' knickers and thongs.''

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
 classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment
 pay.
 Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, ''Diesel
 Fitter.''
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick
£160 a week.
 
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
and demanded to know why Mick was getting twice as much.

The clerk explained " He gets that because Fitters are skilled labour.''

 ''What skill?'' yelled Paddy. ''I sew da elastic on da knickers and
 thongs, then Mick puts ''em over his head and says: ''Yep, diesel
fitter..''

[Beauseant 0]

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Devon farmer, who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

 

Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his appointment as Prime Minister.

"Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Brown fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, "When you''re driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that''s called a fencepost tortoise."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor''s face, so he continued to explain,

"You know he didn''t get up there by himself,

he definitely doesn''t belong up there, he doesn''t know what to do while he is up there,

and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place

[plymouth yellow 0]

Suicide bombing has gone down this month . . After susan boyle''s album release . . Extremist muslim''s have now seen what a real virgin looks like and ain''t keen 2 meet ten of them all at once!

[Blurboy1980 36]

Why did Spock look into the toilet? To find the Captain''s log :P

[Blurboy1980 36]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking."Magic Beer", he saysShe

thinks he''s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that

there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at

the bar and says,"That isn''t really Magic Beer, is it?""Yes,

I''ll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the

window,flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.The lady can''t believe it: "I bet you can''t do that again."He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I''m having."She

gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,

plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you''re a real asshole when you''re drunk!"

[deano 0]

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends how hard you throw them.

[Canary Man of Kent 0]

[quote user="Blurboy1980"]A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says

She thinks he''s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn''t really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I''ll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can''t believe it: "I bet you can''t do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I''m having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you''re a real asshole when you''re drunk!"[/quote]

 

Haha! I like that! Very good!

[city till i die 0]

I was chatting to a dwarf about different things and i asked him how his sex life was.

He said"I''m ok with the foreplay but as soon as i shove me cock in i ejaculate straight away"

I said "i''m sorry to hear about your short cummings"

[The Young One 0]

SimonOTBCThat''s the problem with this country being so politically correct etc

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

''I''m afraid I''m the bearer of bad news,'' he said

as he surveyed the worried faces.

''The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It''s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.  Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.''

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great

length of time, someone asked, ''Well, how much does a brain cost?''

The doctor quickly responded, ''   £ 5,000 for a male brain, and     £200 for a female brain.''

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some

actually smirked.  A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

''Why is the male brain so much more?''

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, ''It''s just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they''ve actually been used.''

[gazzathegreat 0]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to

concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and

pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ''Relatives of yours?''

''Yep,'' the wife replied, ''in-laws.''

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, ''I don''t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

''The wife responded, ''Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each

other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake

him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a

piece of paper, ''Please wake me at 5:00 AM.''

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and

he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn''t wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, ''It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.''

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[WeAreYellows49 0]

Boss: "My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help?"
Dilbert: "Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot."
Boss: "Oh, that''s right."
Wally: "I wonder if he''ll ever realise we gave him an "Etch-A-Sketch."

 

A distraught farmer finds all of his cows frozen in the snow.
He prays to God for help.
A woman appears and puts her arms around his icy cows.
They immediately defrost.
Thank you,said the grateful farmer,are you an angel sent by God?
No,says the woman,I''m Thora Herd!!!!

 

Dont know if its any use to you, but the annual premature ejaculation societies Christmas dinner is Friday, no dress code, just come in your pants.

 

[kilroyslefteyebrow 0]

[quote user="Hit Squad"]SimonOTBCThat''s the problem with this country being so politically correct etc

[/quote]

I''m with Simon.

I love the jokes on a Friday and Iam amazed that some of the ruder ones get passed moderators, but that Haiti one was just so far over the line it was on its way back.

Bad taste mate.

Don''t blame political correctness when it''s just people who don''t share your ''sense of humour''.

[city-till-i-die 7]

[quote user="TIL 1010"]A 13 year old girl from Ipswich sent a letter to Jeremy Kyle " Dear Jeremy,all my friends have babies and i am the only one one my class who is not pregnant.Do you think my brothers are infertile?"[/quote]absolutly brilliant

[dhickl 0]

[quote user="SimonOTBC"]

That''s really not cool.

[/quote]Totally agree with you.  This is not the place for racist jokes.

[dhickl 0]

[quote user="Hit Squad"]SimonOTBC

That''s the problem with this country being so politically correct etc

[/quote]So are saying that not finding racist jokes funny is a problem?

[dhickl 0]

[quote user="Hit Squad"]SimonOTBC

That''s the problem with this country being so politically correct etc

[/quote]For reference, this (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/7079231/Advert-for-reliable-workers-banned-as-discrimination-by-Jobcentre-Plus.html) is political correctness gone too far, not that people find what you wrote unacceptable

[The Great Drinkell 50]

Story coming out of Eastland;

 Manager Roberto Mancini had promised one new face at Man city during the transfer window. A fight broke out between Tevez and Lescott over who was going to get it!!