FAO our American friends

[Carlos Valderrama 0]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth  II

 

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

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2. The letter ''U'' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ''-ize'' will be replaced by the suffix ''-ise''.  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up "vocabulary").

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3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of  -ize.

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4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you''re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can''t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you''re not ready to shoot grouse.

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6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat''s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.   Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in

Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one''s ears removed  with a cheese grater.

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12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of  America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyondyour borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket.

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14. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It''s been driving us mad.

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15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty''s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

 

God Save the Queen!

 

PS:

Go ahead and share this with your friends in the  USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)

[BGG&YPOS 0]

Brilliant, still rolling about. About time we had a laugh on here.[:D]

[Ringo 0]

Hehe thats funny, cause, they pronounce Aluminum correctly. Your confusing it with Aluminium, which has an extra ''i'' in it. Apparently, originally it was spelt without the -ium suffix, but this was adopted, probably for several reasons, but including the fact theres a bunch of other elements that end in -ium, so it seems right.Of course, theres also Platinum.

[hogesar 9,709]

[quote user="Ringo"]Hehe thats funny, cause, they pronounce Aluminum correctly. Your confusing it with Aluminium, which has an extra ''i'' in it. Apparently, originally it was spelt without the -ium suffix, but this was adopted, probably for several reasons, but including the fact theres a bunch of other elements that end in -ium, so it seems right.Of course, theres also Platinum.[/quote]How interesting [:D]

[Hog 0]

Highly amusing, brightened a dull day. [:D]

[Saint Canary 0]

Very funny indeed.*Sad geek alert*  I would point out that the use of "ize" and not "ise" is strictly, correct English.  It is us who altered the proper English spellings not vice versa.  *Sad geek alert*

[dhickl 0]

[quote user="Saint Canary"]Very funny indeed.

*Sad geek alert*  I would point out that the use of "ize" and not "ise" is strictly, correct English.  It is us who altered the proper English spellings not vice versa.  *Sad geek alert*
[/quote]

Actually, both were, and still are, acceptable English.  Both appeared in the Oxford English dictionary for decades.  The split between "ize" for US English and "ise" for British English was driven by the leader of all evil, Bill Gates.  The Microsoft spell checker was the first place that the distinction occured.

[Mister Chops 7]

In the interests of balance...http://shoutwire.com/comments/88356/America_Won_WWII_You_Bastards

[Show Me What You Gooot! 0]

That was written by John Cleese wasn''t it. Or was it the whole of the Monty Python team?

[Canary_on_the Trent 0]

http://www.new.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2208523152

it''s copied and pasted from a facebook group, i find the Americans biting rather funny

[Houston Canary 0]

we hereby give notification of the revocation of your independence... - Carlos Valderrama

I''m not sure why people find this posting funny since there is nothing new or original in it (other than the cracks about JFK and Kansas) as far as criticisms of things American. It is just the same old tired list of complaints and jealousies.

HOWEVER, the line I quoted makes the whole thing moot.  England never granted the US independence, so she could not very well turn around and revoke it.  The best you can hope for is that we decide we want to rejoin you.  Don''t hold your breath waiting.  I readily admit that chips are vastly superior to french fries. Even so,..............

.............cue the angry responses to my comment............... 

[Rasputin was a C... 0]

There is no doubt what so ever you''ve just made yourself look very foolish.

[Carlos Valderrama 0]

[quote user="Houston Canary"]

we hereby give notification of the revocation of your independence... - Carlos Valderrama

I''m not sure why people find this posting funny since there is nothing new or original in it (other than the cracks about JFK and Kansas) as far as criticisms of things American. It is just the same old tired list of complaints and jealousies.

HOWEVER, the line I quoted makes the whole thing moot.  England never granted the US independence, so she could not very well turn around and revoke it.  The best you can hope for is that we decide we want to rejoin you.  Don''t hold your breath waiting.  I readily admit that chips are vastly superior to french fries. Even so,..............

.............cue the angry responses to my comment............... 

[/quote]

Cor blas bor, tints funny tho tint it....

[macdougalls perm 0]

[quote user="Houston Canary"]

we hereby give notification of the revocation of your independence... - Carlos Valderrama

I''m not sure why people find this posting funny since there is nothing new or original in it (other than the cracks about JFK and Kansas) as far as criticisms of things American. It is just the same old tired list of complaints and jealousies.

HOWEVER, the line I quoted makes the whole thing moot.  England never granted the US independence, so she could not very well turn around and revoke it.  The best you can hope for is that we decide we want to rejoin you.  Don''t hold your breath waiting.  I readily admit that chips are vastly superior to french fries. Even so,..............

.............cue the angry responses to my comment............... 

[/quote]

It''s a joke.

[BlyBlyBabes 0]

Hilarious.

OTBC

 

[Houston Canary 0]

It''s a joke. - McDougall Sperm

Once again,  you misread or ignored much of my comment.  I acknowledge that many of you find the same old boring material funny, which indicates that I do understand it is SUPPOSED to be a joke.  It''s just stale.

Here''s one you might like.  Why did the chicken cross the road?  To get to the other side!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I''ve got plenty of old jokes for yah.

[Rasputin was a C... 0]

We bow down to your superior sense of humour Sir... or Madam, whatever you might be.

[kirku 1,334]

[quote user="Mister Chops"]In the interests of balance...

http://shoutwire.com/comments/88356/America_Won_WWII_You_Bastards
[/quote]

Interesting interpretation that entirely ignores the fact that America joined WWII to stop the eventual invasion of her mainland.

[kirku 1,334]

I agree with HC. Very stale and not at all funny. Most things that are funny have a certain element of originality....

[Rasputin was a C... 0]

Material only loses its originality if it has been experienced by the audience. Therefore those who have read the original post may not have seen it before and thus find it funny. Does really matter how old the material is.

[BGG&YPOS 0]

Yes it maybe old but some of the old ones are classics, for example, the parrot sketch from Monty Python and the hardware store sketch from the two Ronnies (fork handles) excellant, still makes me laugh no matter how many times I see them.[:D] 

[macdougalls perm 0]

And most humour depends on the recognition of common stereotypes that people find amusing. I still laugh at jokes and sketches based on posh English twits, warm beer, bad teeth, stiflingly polite middle-classed English idiots or old gits who drivel on about the glories of ''when we had an empire'' (i.e. Major in Fawlty Towers) etc etc. And I doubt any of us fit those stereotypes particularly accurately.

In fact Monty Python makes me crack up to this day and they play on all of that tirelessly. 

[kirku 1,334]

[quote user="Rasputin was a C..."]Material only loses its originality if it has been experienced by the audience. Therefore those who have read the original post may not have seen it before and thus find it funny. Does really matter how old the material is.
[/quote]

A re-hash of something that wasn''t overly funny in the first place is always going to be worse than the ''source'' material...

[macdougalls perm 0]

Arthur Pewtey anyone? [:D] 

[Houston Canary 0]

Interesting interpretation that entirely ignores the fact that America joined WWII to stop the eventual invasion of her mainland.  - kirku

Actually, what drew us into the war was an event you may not be familiar with, the Japanese attack on the US Naval Base at Pearl Harbor.  The day after THAT happened, Hitler declared war on the US, so we we in it in both theaters involuntarily.

[Rasputin was a C... 0]

Of course people will often be offended by something if they are so uptight and insecure. Always best to just laugh at yourself and pay little attention to it. It''s not really a serious piece of literature in the first place is it.

[Faded Jaded Semi Plastic SOB 1,035]

HC - You are one angry dude, but I love your posts, much funnier than the original post....

[Houston Canary 0]

My original reply to it was intedned to be light-hearted as well as educational, or at least part of it was. My last comment was pure sarcasm.

Now go check out what I just posted about the Houston Chronicle.  We can argue about it being in the wrong section of the message board and about how I need to get over losing Huckerby.

[Houston Canary 0]

HC - You are one angry dude, but I love your posts, much funnier than the original post....- Sons of Boadicea

Ummm, thanks, I think.  Most of the anger you sense is part of my act.  I''m quite enjoying this.

[Faded Jaded Semi Plastic SOB 1,035]

HC - That is why I love your posts, most people do not get what you are doing, and are so serious when responding to your posts, cracks me up every time.