Friday joke thread

[Beauseant 0]

As the Butler can''t be with us today he''s asked me to launch the Friday laugh-in, although it appears that I''ve been beaten to it:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/n/norwich/8637563.stm

Anyway, after that bit of side splitting self delusion, let''s get things going before Wazzy''s onslaught[:D]

 

If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up.....Your life ain''t that bad!!! 

 

 

 

 

To: Tech Support
To whom it may concern,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I''ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

Signed, Jane

Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely,
Tech Support

 

 

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Onslaught ? [;)]

 

Q What''s the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

A The Icelandic volcano is still blowing Ash.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Apparently It''s not volcanic dust from Iceland just Naaarwich City cleaning out the trophy cabinet..! [:O]

 

Waiter waiter there is volcanic ash in my soup …
 
At least it makes it a no fly zone

 

I just walked outside earlier and got hit by a garlic bread, a lasagne and a black forest gateaux….. must be the fallout from Iceland.

 

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Should the UK adopt the Euro?

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to the Euro.

 

 
99.9% said "No", they were happy with the Giro.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, ''Do you know what I miss most of all?''
She asks, ''What?''
''Sex!!'' he replies
Mildred exclaims, ''Why you old fart. You couldn''t get it up if I held a gun to your head!''
''I know,'' Harold says, ''but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.''
Well, I can oblige,'' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold''s manhood.
Then one night Harold didn''t show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold''s manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, ''You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don''t have?''
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, ''Parkinson''s.''

[First Wazzock 1,011]

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, ''Where did you get that truck???!!!'' He calmly told them, ''I bought it today.''

''With what money?'' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

''Well,'' said the boy, ''this one cost me just fifteen dollars.'' So the parents began to yell even louder. ''Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?'' they said.

''It was the lady up the street,'' said the boy. I don''t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.''

''Oh my Goodness!,'' moaned the mother, ''she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what''s going on.'' So the boy''s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

''Well,'' she said, ''this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn''t intend to come back).

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.

So I did.''

[First Wazzock 1,011]

A guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, ''What''cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn''t think you''d CRY. I can''t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can''t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
 
"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen, and I don''t have any insurance.

Then I left my wallet in the cab I took home."

He continues, crying even harder.

"Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
"So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

 

 

 

[First Wazzock 1,011]

 Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer:     ''I''ve been ringing                0800 2100  0800 2100         for two days and can''t get through to enquiries, can you help?''.
Operator:     ''Where did you get that number from, sir?''.
Customer:     ''It was on the door to the Travel Centre''.
Operator:     ''Sir, they are our opening hours''.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          ''Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?''
Operator:     ''I''m sorry, sir, I don''t understand who you are talking about''..
Caller:          ''On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?''
Operator:      ''I think you mean the telephone point on the wall''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          ''Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?''
Operator:      '' Doesn''t the product name give you a clue?''
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
''If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?''
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller:               ''I''d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please''.
Operator:          ''I''m sorry, there''s no listing. Is the spelling correct?''
Caller:               ''Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ''B'' fell off''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        ''Woven? Are you sure?''
Caller:             ''Yes. That''s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
''I haven''t got a pen, so I''m steaming up the window to write the number on''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      ''I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop''.
Customer:             ''OK''.
Tech Support:      ''Did you get a pop-up menu?''.
Customer:             ''No''.
Tech Support:      ''OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?''
Customer:             ''No''.
Tech Support:      ''OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?''.
Customer:            ''Sure. You told me to write ''click'' and I wrote ''click''''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:          ''OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ''OK'' button displayed?''
Customer:                 ''Wow. How can you see my screen from there?''
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  ''I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?''.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There''s always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ''Termination without Cause''.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         ''Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?''
Caller:              ''Yes, well, I''m having trouble with WordPerfect.''
Operator:         ''What sort of trouble??''
Caller:              ''Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.''
Operator:         ''Went away?''
Caller:              ''They disappeared.''
Operator:         ''Hmm So what does your screen look like now?''
Caller:              ''Nothing.''
Operator:         ''Nothing??''
Caller:              ''It''s blank; it won''t accept anything when I type.''
Operator:         ''Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??''
Caller:              ''How do I tell?''
Operator:         ''Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??''
Caller:              ''What''s a sea-prompt?''
Operator:         ''Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?''
Caller:              ''There isn''t any cursor: I told you, it won''t accept anything I type.''
Operator:         ''Does your monitor have a power indicator??''
Caller:              ''What''s a monitor?''
Operator:         ''It''s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it''s on??''
Caller:               ''I don''t know.''
Operator:          ''Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??''
Caller:              ''Yes, I think so.''
Operator:         ''Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it''s plugged into the wall.
Caller:              ''Yes, it is.''
Operator:         ''When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??''
Caller:               ''No.''
Operator:          ''Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.''
Caller:               ''Okay, here it is.''
Operator:          ''Follow it for me, and tell me if it''s plugged securely into the back of your computer.''
Caller:               ''I can''t reach.''
Operator:          ''Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??''
Caller:               ''No.''
Operator:          ''Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??''
Caller:               ''Oh, it''s not because I don''t have the right angle - it''s because it''s dark.''
Operator:          ''Dark??''
Caller:               ''Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
'' Operator: ''Well, turn on the office light then.''
Caller:               ''I can''t.''
Operator:          ''No? Why not??''
Caller:               ''Because there''s a power failure.''
Operator:  ''A power.......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we''ve got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??''
Caller:               ''Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.''
Operator:           ''Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.''
Caller:                ''Really? Is it that bad?''
Operator:            ''Yes, I''m afraid it is.''
Caller:                 ''Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??''
Operator:            ''Tell them you''re too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!''

[First Wazzock 1,011]

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson''s birthday. 
  She doesn''t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. 
  The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. 
  She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" 
  He says, "Madam, I''m completely blind; but, if you''ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you  need to know about it from the sound it makes." 
  She doesn''t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. 
He says, "That''s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It''s a good all around combination, and it''s on sale this week for £44." 
She says, "It''s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I''ll take it!" 
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.  "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.   As the lady bent down to pick up the card, she accidentally farted.  She was embarrassed by this but said nothing hoping no one noticed. 
The man rings up the sale and says, "That''ll be £58.50 please." 

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn''t you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get  to £58.50?"  
He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50." 

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn''t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend''s house. The man called his wife''s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn''t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend''s
house. The woman called her husband''s 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over.
Two said he was still there.
          

[First Wazzock 1,011]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That really work!)
 
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.
 
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
 
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
 
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
 
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU''LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
 
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN''T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN''T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
 
7. IF YOU CAN''T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU''VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
 
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he remembers that it''s his daughter''s birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at Toys R Us to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are?

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:-
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
AND
Divorced Barbie: £299.95

Shocked! The man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":-

Ken''s Car
Ken''s House
Ken''s Boat
Ken''s furniture
Ken''s jewellery
Ken''s money
Ken''s computer and
Ken''s best friend...

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Here''s something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ''fairly well'' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn''t resist asking him, ''Do you think I''ll live to be 80?'' He asked, ''Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?''
''Oh no,'' I replied.. ''I''m not doing drugs, either!''
Then he asked, ''Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
''I said, ''Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!''
''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?''
''No, I don''t,'' I said.
He asked, ''Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?''
''No,'' I said. 
 

He looked at me and said,... ''Then, why do you even give a shit?'' 

[Beauseant 0]

I think that constitutes an onslaught Wazzy[:D][;)]

[First Wazzock 1,011]

[quote user="Beauseant"]I think that constitutes an onslaught Wazzy[:D][;)][/quote]

[:P]

[morty 0]

Some good stuff there Wazz.[:D]

[Superflash 0]

In a pub, a blind man is causing quite a stir during a football debate. Out of the blue, he tells the punters "Bring me a football. Any football. Bring me any ball, and I shall tell you where it came from." Surprised, a man fetches a ball. He holds the ball up the blind mans ear."....ah yes, this one is from Newcastle." Said the blind man.Astonished, the man with ball confirms that this is correct. "How can you tell?!" he asks with astonishment."Easy, I can hear the magpies."Another man brings him another ball. The blind man repeats the trick of holding the ball to his ear. "This one''s from Norwich" said the blind man. "I can hear the canaries!"Once again, the gathering crowd is in disbelief at his accuracy. Another ball arrives and again the blind man sets to work."This...this one comes from Sheffield Wednesday" Again, he is correct. "Can you hear the owls?" comes a reply."No" says the blind man. "It''s going down."

[morty 0]

http://www.waccoe.com/index.php?showtopic=103393I am a big fan of toilet humour and this thread on WACCOE is comedy genius.[:D]

[Lord Flashheart 0]

My cat''s spitting at me, time to turn the grill down...

[Darren Lamb 0]

There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for.

The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pull-it."

The city boy confused asked him what he meant.

The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female chicken."

The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm.

A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was.

The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."

The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey out side in your yard."

The man just said, "That''s an ass."

The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and bought the donkey.

As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again."

So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can''t get it to move. He can''t scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away.

So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help.

The city boy thinks, hey why don''t I try to impress this beautiful women by using my new slang terms that I learned today. So the city boy turns to the woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"

[WeAreYellows49 0]

[quote user="morty"]http://www.waccoe.com/index.php?showtopic=103393

I am a big fan of toilet humour and this thread on WACCOE is comedy genius.

[:D]
[/quote]

Hahahaha very good thread.

[morty 0]

[quote user="WeAreYellows49"]

[quote user="morty"]http://www.waccoe.com/index.php?showtopic=103393I am a big fan of toilet humour and this thread on WACCOE is comedy genius.[:D][/quote]

Hahahaha very good thread.

[/quote]Possibly not to everyone''s taste, but I had tears reading most of it lol.

[WeAreYellows49 0]

Irelands worst air disaster struck today when a 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, digging continues .

 

 

[WeAreYellows49 0]

[quote user="morty"][quote user="WeAreYellows49"]

[quote user="morty"]http://www.waccoe.com/index.php?showtopic=103393

I am a big fan of toilet humour and this thread on WACCOE is comedy genius.

[:D]
[/quote]

Hahahaha very good thread.

[/quote]

Possibly not to everyone''s taste, but I had tears reading most of it lol.
[/quote]

Me too, love toilet humour, has me in stitches.

[Buzz Killington 0]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says, "is this some kind of joke?".

[I am a Banana 0]

[quote user="First Wazzock"]

[quote user="Beauseant"]I think that constitutes an onslaught Wazzy[:D][;)][/quote]

[:P]

[/quote]

bloody hell Wazzy.

do you just copy and paste fro internet?

[I am a Banana 0]

a man walks into a bar,

 

OUCH [;)]

better than all your Waz [;)]

[city till i die 0]

I ordered a chinesse last night when the chinky bloke came to the door he said 20 Pound i said whats the name of jordans cross eyed kid he said halfey price so i said nice one heres a tenner now fuk off

[DOGGER 0]

Hahahaha, i will try that one!!!

[The Great Drinkell 51]

I had to buy a wig the other day and have been looking around for a while. Finally found one that suits but it is a bit unusal as the man in the shop told me it was made from Bum Hair.

 

 Had it about two weeks now and it great ...  apart from it keeps blowing off! 

[D]