The Butler 0 Posted March 12, 2010 I now know how the stand up comedians feel when trying to find new material week after week for a televsion audience!For all female IT users.(and some male ones!)INSTALLING A HUSBAND Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NCFC 6.0, Cricket 5.1 and Golf Clubs 4.1.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail, in fact Husband 1.0 seemed to slow even further.What can I do?Signed, Desperate. DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download< /FONT> Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to< U> Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 12.1.Please note that Beer 12.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring program as well as disable spell checker and voice recognitionWhatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will try to seize control of all your operating system resources.)In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider new software to improve performance. We recommendCooking 3.0 and* Hot Lingerie 7.7.Tech Support Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
natncfc 0 Posted March 12, 2010 Good morning and welcome!! Please do not quote scummers such as Alan Brazil on this message board!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Butler 0 Posted March 12, 2010 [quote user="natncfc"]Good morning and welcome!! Please do not quote scummers such as Alan Brazil on this message board!![/quote]You are obviously far to young to remember TW3 and David Frost in the 1960''s. So i will forgive that remark! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beauseant 0 Posted March 12, 2010 Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent''s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, ''He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ''Oh no, my dear,'' replied granny. ''Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, ''He''d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn''t come along. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Beauseant 0 Posted March 12, 2010 A young couple wanted to join the church, the vicar told them, ''We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.''The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the vicar ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed''You are back so soon...Is there a problem?'' the vicar inquired.''We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.'' The young man replied sadly.The vicar asked him what happened.''Well, the first week was difficult.. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,'' admitted the man, shamefacedly.The vicar lowered his head and said sternly, ''You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.''''We know.'' said the young man, hanging his head, ''We''re not welcome at Homebase either.'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dreamteam 0 Posted March 12, 2010 Spot of British Humour A man was admitted to hospital today with a toy horse lodged up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as stable As reported in the newspapers... Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It''s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph) _____ Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It''s a Special Branch vehicle and they don''t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) _____ At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn''t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express) _____ Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He''d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelled out ''Heil Hitler.''" ( Bournemouth Evening Echo) ____ A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers... "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you''re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you''ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." ____ "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I''ll let you know any further information as soon as I''m given any." _____ "Let the passengers off the train first!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I''m going home...." _____ "We can''t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 904 Posted March 12, 2010 A man in London walked into the produce/section of his local Tesco''ssupermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working inthat department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some oldbastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished hissentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing rightbehind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered tobuy the other half."The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way yougot yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who canthink on their feet here, where are you from son?""New Zealand, sir," the boy replied."Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.The boy said "Sir, there''s nothing but whores and rugby players there." "Is that right? " replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand !""Really?" replied the boy, "Who''d she play for?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 904 Posted March 12, 2010 Police cordoned off Liverpool City centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.It later turned out to be a tax disc Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 904 Posted March 12, 2010 Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.Cinderella said, ''Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years''? The fairy godmother replied, ''Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'' Cinderella taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: ''The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.I''m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.. Instantly her rocking chair turnedinto solid gold. Cinderella said, ''Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'' The fairy godmother replied,''It is the least that I can do.What do you want for your second wish?'' Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,''I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'' At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:''You have one more wish; what shall it be?'' Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, ''I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'' Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, ''Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.''With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other''s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... ''Bet you''re sorry now that you had my bollocks cut off'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 904 Posted March 12, 2010 What is celibacy?Celibacy can be a choice in life,or a condition imposed bycircumstances.While attending a Marriage Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened tothe instructor declare, ''It is essential that husbands and wives knowthe things that are important to each other.''He then addressed the men,''Can you name and describe your wife''sfavourite flower?''Ken leaned over, touched Janet''s arm gently, and whispered, "Homepride,isn''t it ?"And thus began Ken''s life of celibacy. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 904 Posted March 12, 2010 In a hospital''s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits... Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly....The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb....It came back with ''Return to Sender'' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted March 12, 2010 A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards..The man, who was a priest, said, ''I am a Father.'' The little boy replied, ''My Daddy doesn''t wear his collar like that.'' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''''I am the Father of many.'' The boy said, ''''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn''t wear his collar that way!'' The priest, getting impatient, said. ''I am the Father of hundreds'', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 904 Posted March 12, 2010 A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem..I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'' ''What do they say?'' the priest inquired.They say, ''Hi, we''re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'' ''That''s obscene!'' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. ''You know,'' he said, ''I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we''ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . . in no time.'' ''Thank you,'' the woman responded, ''this may very well be the solution.'' The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest''s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: ''Hi, we''re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'' There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, ''Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TIL 1010 4,789 Posted March 12, 2010 Paddy runs into the pub and shouts " Murphy,someone has just stolen your car "Murphy says " Did you see who did it? "Paddy replies " No,but i got the registration number " Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted March 12, 2010 Loved ''Installing a husband'' - so true! Unless good communications are installed as well....as discussed with a fellow poster Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted March 12, 2010 On asking "what''s up?" his work mate says"Well, I had this really embarrassing Freudian slip this morning!".The bloke asks what a Freudian slip is, and his pal explains that it''s when youmean to say something but what you actually say is what you''re thinking. He thengives his example: -"I was queueing at the train station ticket office and couldn''t help butnotice that the girl behind the counter has a massive pair of hooters. Theywere real eye magnets! When I got to the window, instead of asking for a ticketto Tooting I asked her for a ticket to TITTING. She blushed, I blushed, I gotmy ticket & scarpered". The bloke laughs & says "Oh, I see.That''s funny!".The following day, the other bloke is sitting at his desk laughing to himselfwhen his workmate walks in & asks "What''s so funny?". The blokereplies "I had one of your Freudian slips this morning. I was sitting atthe breakfast table with the missus, and I meant to say ''pass the marmalade''but what I actually said was ''F**K OFF YOU FAT BITCH YOU''VE RUINED MYLIFE!".A little girl says to her mum "mummyyou''re getting really fat" "yes"replies the mum .''butremember,mummy has a baby growing in her tummy"."I knowthat"says the girl."but what''s growing in your arse?"If your woman puts on weight over the Christmas period suggest some exercise.Get her to walk 3 miles in the morningand 3 miles in the evening.In a week the fat bitch should be 42 miles away!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ThetfordCanary 0 Posted March 12, 2010 A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head."I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde."You can''t! I''ll die!" retorts the blonde."I can''t cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed."I said you can''t take it off, or I''ll die!"The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ThetfordCanary 0 Posted March 12, 2010 A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It''s not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It''s not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It''s not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you''ve had a cigarette?""Ten years!", he says.She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you''ve had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that''s fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you''ve had some real fun?" And the man replies, "Wow! Don''t tell me that you''ve got golf clubs in there!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ThetfordCanary 0 Posted March 12, 2010 A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong."I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn''t figure out what substance could be in the woman''s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:"''Hare Spray'' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 904 Posted March 12, 2010 Late Business News Tupperware have just started making womens underwear, they say it will do nothing for your figure ladies, but it will keep what you have got fresh. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
city-till-i-die 7 Posted March 12, 2010 [quote user="The Butler"]I now know how the stand up comedians feel when trying to find new material week after week for a televsion audience!For all female IT users.(and some male ones!)INSTALLING A HUSBAND Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NCFC 6.0, Cricket 5.1 and Golf Clubs 4.1.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail, in fact Husband 1.0 seemed to slow even further.What can I do?Signed, Desperate. DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download< /FONT> Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to< U> Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 12.1.Please note that Beer 12.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring program as well as disable spell checker and voice recognitionWhatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will try to seize control of all your operating system resources.)In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider new software to improve performance. We recommendCooking 3.0 and* Hot Lingerie 7.7.Tech Support[/quote]Brilliant[Y] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted March 12, 2010 Already shared in the anything but football thread but felt it was too good to keep to myself. And as a woman I think it''s hilarious! [:P] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted March 12, 2010 [quote user="Woman in the Stands WITS"]Already shared in the anything but football thread but felt it was too good to keep to myself. And as a woman I think it''s hilarious! [:P] [/quote]Lol, still not worked. Mail me it and I''ll send you the link to post. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hooleyfan 0 Posted March 12, 2010 http://www.hof.org.uk/showthread.php?t=2403&page=2&s=5ebd0f9d2812704fcc9b980341e07b58 Very funny thread from Millwall site which has been all over the web Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Great Drinkell 50 Posted March 12, 2010 Just got back from the pub and have been beaten in the pub quiz by one point.The question we got wrong;Where do most women have curly hair?..... Apparently the answer was Africa. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man was sitting watching the late news with his BLONDE girlfriend when the the news announces that 2 Brazillian men had died today whilst skydiving over Mexico.The girlfriend burst in to floods of tears exclaiming that this was tradgic and life just wasn''t fair especially coming so soon after the thousands killer in the recent disasters. Amazed and a little stunned at his girlfriend devastation he explained that it was indeed a very tradgic thing to happen, but after all they were skydiving and sometimes bad things happen. The girlfriend looked at him and smiled and asked exactly how many is a Brazillian. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted March 12, 2010 Just got back from the pub and have been beaten in the pub quiz by one point.The question we got wrong;Where do most women have curly hair?..... Apparently the answer was Africa.Love it [:P] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TIL 1010 4,789 Posted March 12, 2010 Blonde takes a book back to the library and says to the librarian " This had no plot and far too many characters in it "The librarian replies " We wondered who had taken the telephone directory " Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Evil Monkey 52 Posted March 12, 2010 [quote user="Hooleyfan"]http://www.hof.org.uk/showthread.php?t=2403&page=2&s=5ebd0f9d2812704fcc9b980341e07b58 Very funny thread from Millwall site which has been all over the web[/quote]Really? Wow, thanks for that, I''ll take a look... thanks for bringing this to our attention, we''d never have seen it otherwise.... [:$] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hooleyfan 0 Posted March 12, 2010 I take it from your unwarranted sarcasm that this has already had an airing on here...I bow before your superiority. I dont spend my whole life on here, hence the modest thread count.That visit to the bread counter must have reminded you of me this morning...but it actually read ''Thick Cut'' on the packaging. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites