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  1. Forgot to mention if it is any help to you get yourself signed up with the Reed web site as other agencies advertise on there and there is a mixture of temp/permanent jobs going in all types of job.  I am a HR Manager by vocation so if you need any advice ping me.
  2. Sorry to hear your sad news.  I know how you feel as I am made redundant on 31st of this month and at 63 years old things are looking grim.  On the upside the job market is on the up this month so dont dispair just yet.  Enjoy the footy its a great leveller and takes your mind off things for a while even if it is only for a few hours.
  3. A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn''t figure out what substance could be in the woman''s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "''Hare Spray'' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
  4. A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It''s not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It''s not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It''s not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you''ve had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you''ve had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that''s fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you''ve had some real fun?" And the man replies, "Wow! Don''t tell me that you''ve got golf clubs in there!"
  5. A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head. "I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde. "You can''t! I''ll die!" retorts the blonde. "I can''t cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed. "I said you can''t take it off, or I''ll die!" The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
  6. The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn''t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
  7. A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she''s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing''s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?."  
  8. A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I''m doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you''re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I''m doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you''re checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I''m doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You''re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
  9. A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn''t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what''s wrong, and why doesn''t she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don''t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ''So are you going to pay today or what?'' so I take a ''or what''. When I get to work I''m late so the boss asks me, ''So are we going to write this down in the book or what?'' so I take a ''or what''. Back home again I take the cab and again I don''t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ''So are you going to pay this time or what?'' so again I take a ''or what''. So you see doc when I get home I''m all tired out, and I don''t want it any more." The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
  10. A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:              1 bar of soap              1 toothbrush              1 tube of toothpaste              1 loaf of bread              1 pint of milk              1 single serving of cereal              1 single serving frozen dinner              1 can of Soup For One              1 16oz can of Miller Lite              The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"              The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"              He replies, "Because you''re ugly."
  11. Who would believe such a thing.......Norfolk end of the world indeed!!!  Ive just driven as far as Ips***t and A                                                                                                                                                               a                                                                                                                                                                  a                                                                                                                                                                     a                                                                                                                                                                         a                                                                                                                                                                              a
  12. A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals. Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. "Sir," the doc begins "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there''s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "Wow, that''s great!" replied the hunter. "So what''s the bad news?" "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I''m going to have to refer you to my sister." "Oh, well that''s not so bad I guess," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She''s a flute player in the local symphony, and she''s gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don''t pee in your eye."
  13. At a famous inner city park you''ll find two beautiful statues, one of a nude man and the other of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when, one day, an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two of them to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you''ve wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel again tells them, "You two still have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let''s! But this time change positions. I''ll hold the pigeon down and you can poop on its head!"
  14. Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, "Let''s do it! We''ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!" A few weeks later it''s Christmas morning - and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can''t even take her eyes off it." Another friend says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third friend replies "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car... reading the manual." Silence from the fourth guy... The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. "I can''t believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, ''Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what''s it gonna be?" and she said "Take a sweater." What''d You Think?
  15. A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife''s monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow''s butt." "That''s when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow''s tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don''t remember much after that!"
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