Friday by request (nothing can stop humour!)

[The Butler 0]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn''t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ''for sale'' sign on it. 

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. 

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such 
great condition for 10 years. 

''Well, it''s quite simple, really,'' says the seller, ''whenever the 
Bike is outside and it''s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It 
protects it from the rain.'' 

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her 
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. 

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ''I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'' 

''When we eat dinner, we don''t talk. In fact, the first person who 
Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'' 

''No problem,'' he says. And in they go. 

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a 
Huge stack of dirty dishes. 

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the 
stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. 

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. 

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the 
situation. 

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. 

No one says a word. 

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. 

Still, nobody says a word. 

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and 
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. 

He looks at her mom.. 

''She''s got a great body,'' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. 

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, 
Total silence. 

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to 
rain. 

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his 
pocket... 

Suddenly the father shouted....''I''ll do the f****** dishes!!!

 

[Hairy Canary 753]

Loved it! LOL

[city-till-i-die 7]

lol [Y]

JUST TO ADD THIS IS NOT A RACIST JOKE...IM NOT RACIST...ITS JUST A JOKE!!!

Paddy is in jail with a big black guy.

The big black guy bashes his cock against the toiletbowl, he bowl breaks.

He then bashes it against the prison bars, the bars bend.

He says " now Paddy im gonna ram this up your ass.

"Thank fook for that, i thought you were gonna hit me with it"

[First Wazzock 1,011]

 Lubricant
 

Murphy''s'' old lady had been  pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the  doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. ''Hey,    Murph! You just had you a son,!

''Ain''t dat grand, !!'' Murphy got excited by this,
but just then the doctor  spoke up and said, ''Hold on! We ain''t  finished  yet, !''

The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, ''Hey, Murph! You got you a  daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....''

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, ''Hold on, we  aint got done yet, !''
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, ''Murph, you just had  yourself another boy, !''

Murphy said to the doctor, ''Doc, what caused all of dem  babies,?''
The doctor said, ''You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during  conception.''
Murphy said, ''Ah yeah, during conception.''
When Murph and his wife went home with their three  children, he sat down with his wife and said,
''Mama, you remember dat night  that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.''

She said, ''Yeah, I  remember dat night...''

Murph said, ''I''ll tell you, ....it''s a bloody good ting we didn''t use WD-40.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

You think you have lived to be 85 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

 

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, ''Are you a real pilot?''

He replied, ''Well, I''ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca''s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.''

She said, ''I''m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.... As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.''

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ''Are you a real pilot?''

He replied, ''I always thought I was, but I just found out I''m a lesbian.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Since his little affairs have come to light, several of Tiger Woods'' sponsors have dropped him.
 
However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him.
 
They are making a new drug called Tiagra.  It''s good for 18 holes.

 

[Ivana_rubyatitz 6]

Thanks for that Butler, you actually made me spit coffee out through my nose!  Brilliant.

[The Butler 0]

I dedicate this to onr or two non drinking posters!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don''t.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria  found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop,     Wine = Health
Therefore, it''s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I''m doing it as a public service

[First Wazzock 1,011]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he

was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

 

Johnny''s mother says, "Let''s not be too harsh on them.... they are

bound to be curious about Sex at that age."

 

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary''s mother. "He''s taken her appendix out!"

 

 

 

 

 

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by

mistake - both are in intensive care...

 

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

 

 

 

 

 

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.

I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

 

 

 

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed,

so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

[city-till-i-die 7]

[quote user="First Wazzock"]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he

was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

 

Johnny''s mother says, "Let''s not be too harsh on them.... they are

bound to be curious about Sex at that age."

 

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary''s mother. "He''s taken her appendix out!"

 

 

 

 

 

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by

mistake - both are in intensive care...

 

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

 

 

 

 

 

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.

I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

 

 

 

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed,

so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

[/quote]1st Wazzock u r on fire..lol [:D]

[First Wazzock 1,011]

The wife came home early and   found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. 
    
 And she was somewhat upset. ''You   are a disrespectful pig!'' she cried. ''How dare you do this to me -- a
 faithful wife, the mother of your children! I''m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'' 
    
And the husband replied, ''Hang on   just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'' ''Fine, go
ahead,'' she sobbed,'' but they''ll be the last words you''ll say to me!'' 
    
And the husband began -- ''Well, I   was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. 
    

I noticed that she was very thin,   not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn''t eaten for three days. 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you
wouldn''t eat because you''re afraid you''ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. 
    
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes
were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. 
Then, as she needed clothes, I   gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don''t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don''t wear because I don''t have good taste. 
    

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don''t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don''t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'' 
    
The husband took a quick breath and continued - ''She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I
walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ''Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn''t use?''   

[city-till-i-die 7]

[quote user="The Butler"]

I dedicate this to onr or two non drinking posters!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don''t.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria  found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop,     Wine = Health
Therefore, it''s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I''m doing it as a public service

[/quote]Now i remember why i drink so much beer [Y]

[Beauseant 0]

Subject:  Why men don''t write advice columns!     Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work  leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn''t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband''s help. When I got home I couldn''t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He''d carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he''d been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don''t feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter

[crowey66 0]

Did you hear about the Scottish paedophile who complained to Nintendo.

Apparently the Wii gameboy wasnt quite what he expected.

[city-till-i-die 7]

[quote user="Beauseant"]

Subject:  Why men don''t write advice columns!     Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work  leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn''t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband''s help. When I got home I couldn''t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He''d carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he''d been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don''t feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter

[/quote]lol..brilliant [Y]

[ThetfordCanary 0]

Two golfers in the middle of a game when a hearse rolled by on the nearby road.  One golfer immediately stopped addressing the ball, stood upright, took off his cap, bowed his head and said a prayer.  The other golfer said "thats highly commendable of you to take that much interest in a funer.".  The first golfer replied "well we had been married for 42 years!

[ThetfordCanary 0]

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I''ve some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can''t be cured. I''d give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor''s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
      
      Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don''t go so well. In this case, things aren''t so well. I have cancer and I''ve been given a short time to live. Let''s head for the pub and have a few pints."
      
      After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy''s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
      
      Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I''ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
      
      After his friends left, Murphy''s son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don''t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I''m gone."

[ThetfordCanary 0]

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."
      
      The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."
      
      The lad said he couldn''t do that and the Father said he couldn''t grant him forgiveness unless he did.
      
      "Was it Mollie O''Grady ?" asked the Father."
      
      "No."
      
      "Was it Rosie Kelly?"
      
      "No."
      
      "Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O''Malley?"
      
      "No."
      
      "Well then," said the Father, "You''ll not be forgiven."
      
      When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

[ncfc2010 0]

[quote user="First Wazzock"]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he

was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

 

Johnny''s mother says, "Let''s not be too harsh on them.... they are

bound to be curious about Sex at that age."

 

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary''s mother. "He''s taken her appendix out!"

 

 

 

 

 

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by

mistake - both are in intensive care...

 

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

 

 

 

 

 

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.

I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

 

 

 

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed,

so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

[/quote]

some1s been on sickipedia!!!

[ThetfordCanary 0]

A woman named Jane was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital.
      
      While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"
      
      God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
      
      Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
      
      She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
      
      God replied, "Jane! I didn''t recognize you!"

[ThetfordCanary 0]

Dave and Mike are two 75 year old football fanatics. In fact, they go to just about every Norwich City home game. One day, Mike was in a rather philosophical mood and asked Dave if he thought football is played in heaven. Dave replied, "I don''t know, but someday we may find out.
      
      "Sad to say, the next day Dave died.
      
      Several months later, as Mike was reading the sports section in the newspaper at his kitchen table, the ghost of Dave appears to Mike.
      
      Mike asks, "Is that you, Dave?""It''s me all right."Mike then asks Dave, "I gotta know - is football played in heaven?
      
      "Dave replied, "I''ve got some good news and some bad news regarding that question.
      
      "Mike says, "Tell me the good news
      
      "Dave says, "The good news is yes, football is played in heaven.
      
      "Mike then says, "Now tell me the bad news.
      
      "Dave says, "The bad news is you are the striker on my team tomorrow."

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A good lesson to those men who think the grass is greener on the other side!!!!! 

A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,

"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

  The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

 
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I''m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

 The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

 The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember

 

fairies are female.....

[Twitchy 0]

I was in a charity shop the other day and I saw a t.v for sale for a euro.I asked the guy why was it so cheap, he said the volume was stuck on full blast so I thought I couldn''t turn that down.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Two Irishmen on holiday camping in the everglades, they see an alligator under a tree with a mans head and arms sticking out of its mouth.

Paddy turns to Mick and says ''Bejesus, would you look at that flash git in the Lacoste sleeping bag.''

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Whats blue and ****s old ladies?

Hypothermia