It's Friday Again...

[First Wazzock 1,014]

I like that there''s more coverage of women''s football on TV these days. Do you know what the highest paid woman in women''s football makes?

Sandwiches.

[First Wazzock 1,014]

I''ve learnt a life lesson yesterday.

Next time I walk into the house and see my wife crying, I''m not going to say, "Is it because of your new haircut?"

[First Wazzock 1,014]

Three dead bodies turned up at a mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

Police called on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure

while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the Smile," says the Coroner .

"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the Lottery.

Spent it all on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning. Hence the Smile." he says.

The Police Inspector asked, ''"So what about this third body?''"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the big smile then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

[First Wazzock 1,014]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked OK for a 61 year-old.

In fact, she wasn''t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I''d ever Had a Sportsman''s Double.

''What''s that?'' I asked.

''It''s a mother and daughter threesome,'' she said.

I said, ''No,'' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ''my lucky night''.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ''Mum, you still awake?''

[First Wazzock 1,014]

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a

Newspaper.

This is the 21st century," she said. "We don''t waste money on

newspapers.

Here, use my iPad.

I can tell you this…..that fly never knew what hit him.

[First Wazzock 1,014]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

''There''s a car being towed from the parking lot,'' he shouted.

''An ambulance just drove by!''

''Looks like the Anderson ''s have company,'' he called out.

''Matt''s riding a new bike!''

''Looks like the Sanders are moving!''

''Jason is on his skate board!''

After a few moments he announced, ''The Coopers are having a shag!''

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, ''How do you know that?''

''Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.''

[First Wazzock 1,014]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, ''Man, I wish we had something to drink!''

Jim says, ''Me too. I''ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?''

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It''s Jim . Jim says, ''Hey, how do you feel this morning?''

Dave says, ''I feel great, how about you?''

Jim says, ''I feel great, too. You don''t have a hangover?''

Dave says, ''No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..''

'' Yeah, well there''s just one thing.''

''What''s that?''

''Have you farted yet?''

''No.''

''Well, DON''T - cause I''m in Athens ''

[First Wazzock 1,014]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother''s labour pain to the baby''s father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband''s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

[First Wazzock 1,014]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ''racism'' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn''t."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I''m Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you''re in Halfords."

[First Wazzock 1,014]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I''ll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don''t wait up

[The Butler 0]

Nice to see you keeping up the tradition Wazzy.

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion.

The Italian said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra

virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,

non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:

"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special

aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made

her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said

That''s nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a

special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then

made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow!

That''s phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two

hours?"

The Englishman replied:

"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

[BroadstairsR 2,273]

Two blondes talking in a pub.

1st. blond, "I had a Brazilian last night."

2nd. blond, "A Brazilian? How many is that?"

[Guest]

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.

The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they''re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

It begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they''re going to scream too late, and we''re all gonna die."

[Guest]

A man checks into a hotel and warns the front desk clerk that he is very religious. "I hope your porn is disabled," says the religious man.

The hotel clerk replies, "It''s just regular porn, you sick fcuk!"

[Guest]

I hate that if a girl has sex with a lot of guys everyone calls her a slut, yet if a guy does the same thing everyone calls him gay.

[Midlands Yellow 4,682]

There should be a prize for this . The first joke that is funny wins .

[Midlands Yellow 4,682]

How did Helen Keller burn her ear ? Answering the iron .

[Crabbycanary3 994]

My Grief Counsellor died last week. He was that good that I didn''t give a s***

[SwindonCanary 457]

An 1p5wich fan walks into a pub with his

dog just as the football scores come on the TV. The announcer says that 1p5wich have lost 3-0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its

back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. "That''s amazing," says

the barman, "what does he do when they win?"

The 1p5wich Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally

replies, "I dunno... I''ve only had the dog for eight months."    

[Ray 111]

A married middle aged man goes into Boots to stock up on his and his wife’s contraception of choice, condoms.

His attention is drawn to a prominently displayed new brand, in a good old fashioned packet of three. This new brand had a very impressive and macho name, ‘The Olympians’ and bore the slogan “Gold, Silver or Bronze, for the finish of your of choice”.

Being an adventurous sort, he decides to give them a try, parts with his hard earned, and heads off home fantasising of what might lay ahead if he played his cards right.

Later that evening, as he and his wife climbed into bed and sidled up to each other, he whispered, “Sweetheart I’ve got something new for us to try tonight, new condoms called ‘The Olympians’, they come in three variations, Gold, Silver or Bronze” Adding in anticipation, “I’ll let you decide which one we should try first”.

“I want to try the Silver one” came the reply.

Slightly disappointed his wife had not chosen the Gold version he added, “Why Silver and not Gold my love?”

Her reply...

Well it would be rather nice for you come second for a change!!

Note;

Of course if had been really lucky, he could of chosen bronze and come third!!!

[First Wazzock 1,014]

In the last thirty years Tottenham have ahd more stadiums than trophies...

[Bill 1,788]

What is grey, has big ears and a trunk ?

an elephant

[First Wazzock 1,014]

Why have Elephants got Big Ears?

Noddy won''t pay the ransom...

[First Wazzock 1,014]

Why have Elephants got four feet?

They''d look silly with four inches...

[Bill 1,788]

What is brown and sticky ?

a stick

[TIL 1010 5,246]

It is now Saturday so thread closed until next Friday. [:)]

[Mello Yello 2,573]

Some Ipswich fan''s attempted an expedition to the Moon.......But they unfortunately, ran out of scaffolding.....