First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 1. Go to the vets2. Tell them your fish is poorly3. Put a fish finger on the examining table4. Do a sad face Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 I must be ill - I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I''ve taken a tern for the wurst. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 Still amazed that The Bible was so specific in forbidding shops with 280 square metres of floor space to open for over 6 hours on a Sunday. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 My girlfriend left me because I''ve put weight on. She even said that my thumbs were too fat.Botch. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 I''m gonna write a book about the difficulties of watching Pride and Prejudice dubbed into French. It will be called L''Austen Translation Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BroadstairsR 2,273 Posted July 25, 2014 Far too cryptic for me FW. I''ll have to work on them awhile. I prefer the simpler jokes like the one about the very old man who went into an ice-cream parlour, uneasily and clearly very painfully. Groaning as he sat on the stool, he ordered a large cornet. "Nuts" Asked the well-meaning girl behind the counter. "No, arthritis," he replied. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TIL 1010 5,246 Posted July 25, 2014 ''Er indoors bought me two ties for my birthday so before we went out for a meal I decided to put one on.She said '' so you don''t like the other one ? '' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruiseship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I''m very much in love with you. I''d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it''s only fair to warn you, I''m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that''s going to be a problem, for us, you''d better say so now!"Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won''t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we''re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I''ve been a hooker.""I see," Ed replied thoughtfully.He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it''s probably because you''re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted July 25, 2014 Just got the results back from my cat scan.....[URL=http://s869.photobucket.com/user/mortymccarthy/media/10550819_888048827882796_7367586699075711410_n_zps849d06db.jpg.html][IMG]http://i869.photobucket.com/albums/ab257/mortymccarthy/10550819_888048827882796_7367586699075711410_n_zps849d06db.jpg[/IMG][/URL] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The husband reluctantly gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I didnt, it is 3:00 in the morning and it''s pouring with rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can''t you remember about six months ago when we broke down and were stranded, and those two guys helped us get home? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, puts on his hat and raincoat and goes out into the pounding wind and rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there mate?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ''Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see? '' ''The Lone Ranger replies, ''I see millions of stars.'' ''What that tell you?'' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ''Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What''s it tell you, Tonto?'' ''You dumber than buffalo $hit. It means someone stole the tent.'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 A flat-chested young lady went to Dr.. Smith about enlarging her breasts. Dr Smith advised her ''Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, ''Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'' She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had Forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn''t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, ''Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'' A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ''Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith''s?'' ''Yes I am.. How did you know?'' He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock...." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Yellow Wal 315 Posted July 25, 2014 The British Penny In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase ‘Spending a Penny’ is not to be used after 31 December 2014.From this date onwards, the correct term will be: ‘Euronating.’It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 Three Pigs, Vertically Challenged (from: Politically Correct Bedtime Stories)Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the area, they built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay, and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they were finished, the pigs were satified with their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination.But their idyll was soon shattered. One day along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry, in both physical and idealogical sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and culture."But the wolf wasn''t to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the house of straw had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a banana plantation.At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!"At this, the wolf chuckled condescendingly. He thought to himself: They are so childlike in their ways. It would be a shame to see them go, but progress can not be stopped."So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkeling, and dolphin shows.At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United Nations.By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs'' refusal to see the situation from the carnivore''s point of view. so he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods.The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort complex with machine guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs. Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care, and affordable housing for everyone.Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No actual wolves were harmed in the writing of this story. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town.The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.The guy at the Farmers'' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dubai Mark 0 Posted July 25, 2014 Thanks guys, some better material on here than you get on "Live at the Apollo" ! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 Just bought some posh cheesey puffs from Waitrose. They''re called Whatwhatwhatsits. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 Get Jesus'' full name by dropping a concrete block on your toe Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 "Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he?""ICU baby, shaking that ass" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 25, 2014 So many Pope jokes in my timeline *FacePsalm* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted July 25, 2014 Papal MistakeThe Pope dies and,naturally,goes to heaven. He''s met by the reception committee,and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures,and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.After becoming a linguistic master,he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the bible,working back from the most recent"Easy Reading" to the original script.All of a sudden there is a scream in the library, The angels come running to him,only to find the Pope huddled in the chair,crying to himself and muttering,"An ''R''! They left out the ''R''."God takes him aside,offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again,"It''s the letter ''R''............ the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted July 25, 2014 Neck exercises....[URL=http://s869.photobucket.com/user/mortymccarthy/media/Neck-Exercises_zps56b68c34.jpg.html][IMG]http://i869.photobucket.com/albums/ab257/mortymccarthy/Neck-Exercises_zps56b68c34.jpg[/IMG][/URL] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bill 1,788 Posted July 25, 2014 and to thnk you had to sit in a dentists waiting room to read 30 year old copies of Readers Digest Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny Stump 1 Posted July 26, 2014 A welcome return for the Friday joke thread.I want to a really rubbish zoo the other day. It only had one animal.It was a Shih Tzu. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
A Load of Squit 6,260 Posted July 26, 2014 The disclaimer on carrowroad.net says nobody is forcing you to visit this site, nobody is making you read the material we post, why not use one of the great freedoms of the internet we still have left: Buggar off somewhere else. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
morty 0 Posted July 26, 2014 Scientists in Switzerland say they''ve isolated atoms of anti-matter.Apparently it''s going to help solve some of the biggest mysteries of the universe.Like, for example, how the fuck Cliff Richard hasn''t been arrested by Operation Yewtree yet ... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 26, 2014 a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped. The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" "I''m going to commit suicide," she says. While he didn''t want to appear "sensitive," he didn''t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don''t you give me a kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that .... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After she''s finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That''s a real talent you''re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don''t like me dressing up like a girl" The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,011 Posted July 26, 2014 A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said ''OK take off all your crose.''The woman did as she was told. ''Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said ''OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'' So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said ''Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'' The worriedwoman asked anxiously ''Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'' Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied ''Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
