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The Butler

Friday for fun

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The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving
milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite
cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
they''d never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who
was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his
advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Wales .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?

"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Wales "

 

To be read in dodgy French accent
 
 
 
 French paratroopers were seconded to the British SAS for special training.
 After the first day they met up in the bar.
 
 "Ah, Pierre !" asks one, "''ow ''av you been doing?"
 
 "Merde!" answers Pierre . "I ''av ''ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex
 zis morning I was woken by zis beeg ''airy sergeant. ''E dragged me out of bed
 and onto ze parade ground."
 
 "And zen what ''appened?" enquired his mate.
 
 "I will tell you what ''appened! ''E made me climb urp zis seely leetle
 platform five feet off ze ground and zen ''e said "Jurmp!"
 
 "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
 
 "I did not. I told ''im - ''I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five
 feet. Eet is beneath my dignity''."
 
 "And zen what ''appened?" asks his mate.
 
 "Zen ''e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground,
 and ''e said "Jurmp."
 
 "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
 
 "I did not. I told ''im - ''I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten
 feet. Eet is beneath my dignity''."
 
 "What ''appened zen?" asks his mate.
 
 "Zen ''e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un''undred feet above ze
 parade ground. ''E undid ''is trousers, took out zis enormous penis, and ''e
 said ''If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!''"
 
 "Sacre Bleu, mon ami!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
 
 "A leetle, at ze beginning."

 

Have a good day all[:D]

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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop w#nking. When I asked why she said, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What''s up Abdul, won''t it start?"

 

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3 O Clock in the morning and this guy is woken up by dogs howling in his front garden.

He looks out of the bedroom window and sees two dogs bonking and howling on his lawn, so he goes downstairs finds a bucket, fills it with water goes outside and douses the pair of them. They separate and run off, job done he goes back to bed.

10 minutes later they are back, bonking and howling, and it''s driving him nuts.

He thinks who can I ask for some help here. He finds the Yellow Pages and rings the local vet explaining the situation and says ''how can I stop them?''

The vet quickly says ''try giving them a ring''.

''Give them a ring'', says the guy, ''will that stop them?''

''Well it bloody well stopped me'', said the vet

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After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man  on the woman''s nightstand by the bed. 
He begins to worry. 
''Is this your husband?'' he nervously asks. 
''No, silly,'' she replies, snuggling up to him. 
''Your boyfriend, then?'' he continues. 
''No, not at all,'' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 
''Is it your dad or your brother?'' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 
''No, no, no! You are so hot when you''re jealous!'' she answers. 
''Well, who in the hell is he, then?'' he demands. 
She whispers in his ear ''That''s me before the surgery.'' 


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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. 

She heard the train stop and her son saying, ''All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, ''cos we''re in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, ''cos we''re going down the tracks''. 

The horrified mother went in and told her son, ''We don''t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. 
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'' 

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 
''All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. 
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'' 

She hears the little boy continue, 

''For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'' 

As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 

''For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen..

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Dear Ma and Pa,

 

 

I am well.  Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there''s warm water.  Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food,  plus yours,  holds you until noon  when you get fed again. It''s no wonder these city boys can''t walk much.

 

We go on ''route marches,'' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.  If he thinks so, it''s not my place to tell him different.  A ''route march'' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

 

The sergeant is like a school teacher.  He nags a lot.  The Captain is like the school board.   Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don''t bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals  for shooting.   I don''t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don''t move, and it ain''t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don''t even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain''t like fighting with that ''ole bull at home.  I''m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once.  He joined up the same time as me, but I''m only 5''6'' and 130 pounds and he''s 6''8'' and near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

 

Your loving daughter,

 

   Alice

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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ''Well, I''m off now. The man should be here soon.''

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, Ma''am'', he said, ''I''ve come to...''

Oh, no need to explain,'' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ''I''ve been expecting you…''

''Have you really?'' said the photographer. ''Well, that''s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?''

''Well that''s what my husband and I had hoped... Please come in and have a seat!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ''Well, where do we start?''

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn''t work out for Harry and me!''

''Well, Ma''am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I''m sure you''ll be pleased with the results.''

''My, that''s a lot!'', gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Ma''am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I''d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I''m sure you''d be disappointed with that.''

''Don''t I know it,'' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus,'' he said.

''Oh, my God!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.''

''She was difficult?'' asked Mrs. Smith.

''Yes, I''m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look''

''Four and five deep?'' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

''Yes'', the photographer replied. ''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.''

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ''Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?''

''It''s true, Ma''am, yes... Well, if you''re ready, I''ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.''

''Tripod?''

''Oh yes, Ma''am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It''s much too big to be held in the hand very long.''

 

Mrs. Smith fainted

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Last night I was set upon by three guys down an Alley, I managed to knock one out!

Not the best time for a w@nk I know, but I thought it was going to be my last.

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In deference to the Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer always be referred to as ....
 
"British Weather."

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the population it will now on occasions also be referred to as ...
 
"Muslim Weather."
 
or, in other words ...
 
 
 
 
....partly Sunni, but mostly Shi''ite.

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Paddy and Mick drove toLondon to donate sperm.   It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick  came on the bus!



------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -



A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.   Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim  if he''d like a drink.

He replied in disgust   "I''d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch  my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said  "Me too, I  didn''t know we had a choice!"



------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -



Paddy calls Easyjet to book a  flight.  

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don''t know! Its your f***ing plane!"



------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -



Paddy and Murphy are working on  a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I''m gonna have the day off, I''m gonna pretend I''m mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts  "I''M A LIGHTBULB!

I''M A LIGHTBULB!"   Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you''re mad, go home"    So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can''t work in the friggin'' dark!" says Murphy.



------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -



Two Irish couples decided to  swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"



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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don''t you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole friggin'' bed by the looks of it!"



------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -



Q.  What''s a Catholic  priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A.  A black coat, white collar and you''ve got to watch  your arse if you get a dodgy one!



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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!



------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -



Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of  the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify  her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don''t think that''s her, she wasn''t that tall!"



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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours'' dog is barking like

mad in the garden. Paddy says  "To hell with this!"  and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I''ve put the dog in our garden. Let''s see  how they like it!"



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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said,  "I didn''t even know they had mobile phones!"



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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey!  There''s a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What''s his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles,  from London !"


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I was out for a stroll yesterday evening and spotted two Ipswich Town season tickets nailed to a tree and thought, I''ll have them, because you can never have enough nails can you.

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I was walking home from the pub the other night, and decided to take a short cut home down a dark and dingy alleyway. I was halfway down the alley way when these four burly guys suddenly appeared. They then started gesturing and threatening me.

So, I then knocked one out!.....Which I later thought and in hindsight, wasn''t a particularly sensible time to have a w@nk.... 

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In the papers it said "look after your neighbours in this cold weather" Not once has my 87 year old neighbour come round to see if I''m alright.

The lazy mare hasn''t even taken her milk in for nearly 2 weeks.

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[quote user="The Great Drinkell"]

In the papers it said "look after your neighbours in this cold weather" Not once has my 87 year old neighbour come round to see if I''m alright.

The lazy mare hasn''t even taken her milk in for nearly 2 weeks.

[/quote]

and i thought you were lazy [;)]

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