The Butler's Friday thread (beware pale imitations!)

[Beauseant 0]

As the Butler is unavoidably detained (doing some work for a change), he has asked me to launch the thread for him, so here goes with one of his own. Have a great weekend guys!

PS Only joking City-till-I -Die[;)]

CSA REPORT
 
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father''s details:

 

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. (Be sure to check out number 10, I think it takes the prize!)
       
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father
of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
       
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
       
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected
sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
       
4. I don''t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he''s had it replaced.        
         
5. I cannot tell you the name of my child''s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by my child and right by the country. Please advise.
       
6. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
       
7. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
       
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
       
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I''d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilised.
 
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can''t be sure which one made you fart can you!!

 

[Beauseant 0]

A far more accurate account in the Bears'' house of the events on that fateful morning...   
  
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who''s been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.   
  
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who''s been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.   
  
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God''s sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? 
  
It was Mummy Bear who got up first. 
  
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. 
  
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. 
  
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. 
  
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. 
  
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. 
  
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.   
  
"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cats'' litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.   
  
"And now that you''ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I''m only going to say this once....   
  
 "I HAVEN''T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET".

[Beauseant 0]

A man walks out to  the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the  cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You''re just like  Frank."

Passenger:  ''Who?''

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He''s a guy who did everything right all  the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened  like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are  always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was  a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could  golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a  Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an  amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really  special."

Cabbie: "There''s more... He had a memory like a computer. He  remembered everybody''s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to  order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank  Feldman, he  could do everything  right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew  the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.. Not like me, I  always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and  he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never  answer her back even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always  immaculate, shoes highly
polished too. He was the perfect man! He never  made a mistake. No one
could ever measure up to Frank  Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet  him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He  died.  I''m married to his f****** widow."

[ron obvious 1,711]

Re the first joke, was it Trigger''s (Only Fools & Horses) birth certificate that, under "father", contained the legend:"some soldiers"I remember that one being a genuine lol moment.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

1.  Nigella''s Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a  ice-cream cone to prevent ice-cream drips
The Real Woman''s Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Goodness sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway

2.  Nigella''s Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes
The Real Woman''s Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year

 

3. Nigella''s Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won''t be any white mess on the outside of the cake
The Real Woman''s Way
Tesco’s'' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions

 

4. Nigella''s Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it''s still cooking, drop in a potato slice
The Real Woman''s Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that''s tough!. Please recite with me the Real Woman''s motto: ''I made it and you will eat it and I don''t care how bad it tastes’

 

5. Nigella''s Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
The Real Woman''s Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

 

6. Nigella''s Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away
The Real Woman''s Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you won''t care!

 

7. Nigella''s Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy
The Real Woman''s Way
Why do I have a man?

 

8. Nigella''s Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
The Real Woman''s Way
Left over wine???? Helllloooo

[norfolkchance1 0]

You''re right Ron it was in Only Fools and Horses about Trigger''s birth certificate saying "some soldiers".

A Legendary TV programme.

[First Wazzock 1,014]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.  She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. 

 

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all you crose.”  The woman did as she was told.  “Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.”  Again, the woman did as she was instructed.  Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.”  So she did.  Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, “Your probrem vewy bad.  You haf Ed Zachary Disease.  Worse case I ever see.  Dat why you not haf dates or sex.”

 

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?”   Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, “Ed Zachary Disease is where your face rook Ed Zachary rike your @rse.”

[First Wazzock 1,014]

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

   "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy''s moustache and he came down here by motorcycle.  I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

 "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders.  "You go to the stewardess lounge   at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea''s surprise when, a month or so later,  while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should  he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said.  I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cosy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I''m on this guy''s moustache again!"

[First Wazzock 1,014]

THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

 

1.                  Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

 

2.                  Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

 

3.                  Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

 

4.                  For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.  Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

 

5.                  Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

 

6.                  The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete.  Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

 

7.                  It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival.  Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well-formed mounds and bunkers.

 

8.                  Players are reminded not to mention other courses they may have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.  Upset owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.

 

9.                  Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

 

10.             Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times.  Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair.  Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.  More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

 

11.             Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when playing a new course for the first time.  Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

 

12.             The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce visibility of the hole.

 

13.             Players are strongly advised to get the owner’s permission before attempting to play the backside.

 

14.             Slow play is encouraged.  However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owner’s request.

 

15.             It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

 

[CanaryPurple 0]

---A ham sandwich walks into a pub and asks for a pint, and the barman replies, "I''m sorry, sir, we don''t serve food in here."---

[ThetfordCanary 0]

This letter was actually sent by Tesco''s Head Office to a Customer in Oxford
:

Dear Mrs. Murray,
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people''s trolleys when they weren''t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to Feminine Products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,  ''Code3'' in house wares..... And watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a ''CAUTION - WET FLOOR'' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing Department and told shoppers he''d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor Gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, ''Why can''t you people just leave me alone?''
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible'' theme.
11. November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the ''Madonna'' look using different size funnels.
12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ''PICK ME!'' ''PICK ME!''
13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed, ''NO! NO! It''s those voices again.''

And; last, but not least:
14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled, very loudly, ''There is no toilet paper in here.''

We thank you for your patronage, but please leave your husband at home.

Tesco.
Banbury.

[Nuff Said 5,973]

Nice one TC, can''t quite believe it''s real though.A mate sent me a text the other day - it just said "A B G N". I thought it was bang out of order.