Portsmouth Away- Written Commentary

[Viva_Marc_Libbra 0]

Just wondering if you guys could give me a little feedback- want to become a journalist and what better critics then the guys who watched it unfold. Negative or positive, all helps....

49 minutes 32 seconds into on a warm May Day Bank Holiday game a ball is hopefully pumped forward into the channel. Elliot Ward is clearing his lines, with little intention of finding a man.

Under close attention from Herman Heridasson , Andrew Crofts’ awkwardly controls; it bobbles back down toward the onrushing out of position Grant Holt. Portsmouth’s 6 retreats to cover the run of Holt and Dickinson lumbers to pay closer attention to Crofts’.

Looking for a pass, Hoolahan rushes closer screaming for a short. Crofts changes his mind twice as his foot twitches. The incoming Mullins causes the shift in Crofts’ intentions as space is created in the otherwise tight blue defence. The ball is squeezed past Mullins 20 yards into the path of Fox.

Stationary 35 yards from goal, with two yellow shirts in front; the blue wall formed. Four men holding a tight line on the edge of the area leaves few options for Fox. His touch rolls the ball in front, but not far enough. His stride becomes small taking three shorts steps to steady himself. Jamie Ward is out of position and desperately sprints to cover his short fallings whilst earlier ball watching.

In the other channel, looking hopefully to Fox waiting on the shoulder of De Laet is Simeon Jackson; in fine goal scoring form but looking off the pace this evening. It’s the opportunity Norwich have been waiting for- De Laet is watching Jackson so is unaware of the deep cross attacking the back post.

Fox gently swings the ball toward Jackson’s run. As the ball leaves his foot, Mullins is 5 yards short of blocking the cross- he becomes a bystander watching the ball float dangerously into the box. By this point Jackson is spriting, De Laet’s run stutters misjudging the flight. Simeon’s eyes never leave the ball. The ball crosses 2 yards in front of De Laet’s path, ever dropping invitingly. Simeon throws himself into the path of the ball.

Jamie Ashdown- Portsmouth’s number 1 repositions himself as the ball is rolled into Crofts feet- expecting the spectacular shot he braces himself, legs ever so slightly bent, hands wide and arms extended. As the ball is swung into his domain, he reads the cross but not the curl. He rushes out to claim, realizes his mistake as ball viciously bends into the path of Simeon and stops dead. Hands rise again to chest height. He takes a small step back and two to the side to narrow the angle at his near post, and once again braces himself for the incoming effort.

Simeon’s dive means he connects slightly above the ball. The mitre is fired into the turf in front and just to the side of Ashdown’s right boot. His hands are obsolete raised and his feet as stuck to the ground.

-GOAL-

The ball ripples the net and the 3,000 Norwich faithful behind the goal explode into raptures. This could turn Norwich into a Premier League goal- the joy is indescribable. Jackson trotting back to the half way line to restart the game at 1-0 a minute has elapsed since Elliot Ward’s clearance. 50.32. The most important minute in the recent history of Norwich City Football Club- OTBC

[Matt Juler 153]

Started reading, but gave up.  I like detail, but you need to know the fine balance between too much and too little.

[Jacko 0]

Good effort. A few typos but pretty good style. I did a few media placements myself and I always thought the best advice I was given was to remember what the purpose of your piece was. Increasingly match reports giving a narrative of the game or indeed any news situation are dying out. The advent of internet and 24 hours news means you can get those from anywhere.

Increasingly what a journalist has to do is to offer something different. In most cases you need to give comment and analysis on the situation. That is the unique selling point that most papers have these days. I am sure there are some experienced writers who use the site who will probably shoot me down though! So listen to them.

[Old Shuck 185]

Agree with Jacko.

Match reports are online now within minutes of the game ending. Even so, they''re still out of date when you consider the online feed of games which is pretty much what you piece could be, albeit trimmed down a little. Its very descrptive and detailed but think on: if you adopt that style and its  3-3 game with missed penalties and a sending off, think how long it is going to be and how long it will take you to write!

Even the Sunday reports now have an angle on the game, the Monday''s even more so-so that, as Jacko says, is the road to take, clearly some narrative of the game is always needed and welcomed and yours does it very well-but go through it again and maybe cut down the word count by about 20-25% whilst still telling the same story.

 

[CDMullins 436]

Far too much mate,Everyone of your paragraphs are less than a second worth of real playAlso IMO written compentaries are not needed.

[Viva_Marc_Libbra 0]

Appreciate the feedback guys! Will definitely take it all on board. It''s not meant to be a match report- not really sure what it''s meant to be. Just something a little different I guess- I''m just writing up a few pieces to try and get myself a placement with a magazine or newspaper during the summer and I guess one way of setting myself apart is creating a portfolio of work that differs from your standard match report.

OTBC

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,423]

As a snapshot of the most important minute in Norwich City''s season I found it an enjoyable read.

I''m no journalist though.

[Mister Chops 7]

I would suggest you trim out some of the detail but not too much, I think it works as a detailed description of a crucial moment, and you''ve chosen the subject material well.  But my most pressing piece of feedback is this: you need to set the piece up for the reader in the first paragraph by explaining why this minute of play is such a big deal (you leave it to the end to say "The most important minute in the recent history of Norwich City Football Club", but shouldn''t this be the hook to bring people into the piece?)Also, set the atmosphere better in the opening paragraph.  Let us see the floodlights, hear the crowd.  What did the stadium look like?  Full?  Half full except for the away end?  Sky cameras?  Etc.  The first paragraph has to really work for you, and you must use it to achieve two things:a) set my expectations & draw me in through atmosphereb) make me want to read onYou need to get past the sub editor then the editor before you get anywhere near the reader.Two good things: using present tense is a good choice, it''s engaging and brings the reader in.  Some of the descriptive work avoids cliche.

With sports writing in particular, you must avoid cliches.  "explode into raptures," "the joy is indescribable", A few other points - you have a few sentences which are a bit clumsy"Hoolahan rushes closer screaming for a short" - is his mate queueing at the bar?" This could turn Norwich into a Premier League goal-" - eh?

And you need the action to unfold in order.  You describe Fox lofting the ball into Jackson, then the goalkeeper when Crofts had the ball - keep it linear.Fox > De Laet > Jackson > Ashdown > GoalTry a rewrite and post it here if you like, happy to take another look.Oh, one more thing - read it out loud to yourself before reposting.

[ricardo 7,395]

The gates of the Promised Land opened as Fox''s sublime cross was met by the head of Simeon Jackson and 3000 Canary fans rose to acclaim their heroes.Thats all you need mate, the rest is pure waffle.

[dhickl 0]

I find it difficult to read, you are overly describing something, then not providing clarity of the object of what you are describing.  Two examples from the 2nd paragraph:

 

"Under close attention from Herman Heridasson , Andrew Crofts’ awkwardly controls" - here the reader has to assume that ''controls'' refers to the ball

"Portsmouth’s 6 retreats to cover the run of Holt and Dickinson lumbers to pay closer attention to Crofts’." - Is that Portsmouth''s number six, six defenders, six midfield players.  Also when writing it is usual to write the word for numbers below ten.

 

It is ok doing to amke that error occasionally, as when used right it can add pace and tension to the writing.  However, when you are repeatedly forced to go back and think about what the sentance was about it breaks up the flow that you are trying to create. 

 

You also need to check the spelling, grammar & punchuation.  Some examples:

   "Portsmouth’s 6 retreats to cover the run of Holt and Dickinson lumbers to pay closer attention to Crofts’." - why the apostrophe after Crofts?

   "By this point Jackson is spriting, De Laet’s run stutters misjudging the flight." - should that be sprinting?  The structure of that sentance is also wrong.  Firstly, you should consider the use of a conjunction rather than just the comma.  Secondly, the structure implies that it is the run that misjudges, not De Laet.  Although the reader will know what you mean, the errors make it more difficult to read.

 

As fot the subject, it was an original take on a game, looking at 1 minute.  If I were you I would also consider looking at writing articles for other teams - maybe a new opinion of a Premier League team, and an article to get people interested in lower league football (it is likely that if you do get into football journalism, that is where you would start, so you have to show them that you can do that and not just write about the big teams).

[dhickl 0]

*It is ok to make that error occasionally [:$]

 

No need to provide me feedback - I know my writing is not very good!