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Woman in the Stands (WITS)

Belated Friday Giggles

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When you have an''I Hate My Job day'' [Even if you''re retired, you sometimes have those days] Try this out:  Stop at your pharmacy   and go to the  thermometer section and purchase  a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson..Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully

place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. 

Now the fun part begins.Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is this statement: 

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested

and then sanitized." 

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department 

at  Johnson & Johnson.'' 

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN  IN THE ASS THAN YOURS! 

if you haven''t got a smile on your face and laughter in

your heart... Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson

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This is a real mind opener!  I am going to remember it ........................................daily! Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest: 

Each morning your bank would deposit £86,400.00

in your private account for your use. However,this prize has rules, just as any game has certain rules.

The first set of rules would be:         Everything that you didn''t spend during each day would be taken away from you.     You may not simply transfer money into some other account.     You may only spend it.    Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account

with another £86,400.00 for that day.The  second set of rules:  The bank can end the game without warning; at any time  it can say, Its over,the game is over! 

It can  close the account  and you will not receive a new one.

 What would you personally do?       You would buy anything and everything you wanted right? 

Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right? 

Even for people you don''t know, because you couldn''t 

possibly spend it all on yourself, right? 

You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, right?  ACTUALLY This  GAME is  REALITY!  Each of us is in possession of such a magical  bank. We just can''t seem to see it. The MAGICAL BANK is TIME! Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is  NOT credited to us.      What we haven''t lived up that day is forever  lost. Yesterday is forever gone.Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank  can dissolve your account at any time....WITHOUT  WARNING. SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400  seconds? Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in money.  Think about that, and always think of this: Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you  think. So take care of yourself, be Happy, Love Deeply and enjoy life! Here''s wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day.      Start spending wisely , as too many seconds have already passed by.

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After a visit to the whore house,

 a man notices green lumps on his willy,  

so he goes to the doctors.

“That’s serious” says the doctor.

“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.

“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

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An Australian Love Poem

Of course I

love ya darlin''

You''re a bloody top-

notch bird

And when I say you''re

gorgeous

I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side

I don''t

mind a bit of flab

It means that when

I''m ready

There''s somethin there to

grab

So your belly isn''t flat no

more

I tell ya, I don''t care

So long

as when I cuddle ya

can get my arms

round there

No sheila who is your

age

Has nice round perky breasts

They

just gave in to gravity

But I know ya

did ya best 

I''m tellin'' ya the

truth now

I never tell ya lies

I

think it''s very sexy

That you''ve got

dimples on ya thighs 

I swear upon

me nanna''s grave

The moment that we

met

I thought you was as good as

I

was ever gonna get

No matter what you

look like

I''ll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the cricket''s on

And fetch another beer

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In  Honour of Stupid People . . .

In  case you needed further proof that the human race is  doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label  instructions on

consumer  goods.

On  Tesco''s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --

"Do  not turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late,  huh!)

     ==========================

On  Sainsbury''s peanuts --

"Warning:  contains nuts." 

(talk about a news  flash) 

      ===========================

On  Boot''s Children Cough Medicine --

"Do  not drive a car or operate machinery after taking

this  medication."

(We could do a lot to  reduce the rate of construction accidents if  we

could just get those 5  year-olds with head-colds off those  bulldozers.)

     ==========================

On  Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --

"Product  will be hot after heating."

(...and you  thought????...) 

   =======================
 

    

                        

On  a Sears hairdryer --

Do  not use while sleeping. 

        (That''s the only time I have to work on my  hair.)

     ====================================

On  a bag of Doritos --

You  could be a winner! No purchase necessary.

Details  inside.
 

(the shoplifter  special?)
 

         ===========================

On  a bar of Dial soap --

"Directions:  Use like regular soap."

(and that would  be???....) 

     ============================

On  some Swanson frozen dinners --

"Serving  suggestion: Defrost."

(but,  it''s just a  suggestion.) 

   ========================
 

On  packaging for a Rowenta iron --

"Do  not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn''t this save  me time?) 

   ==============================

On  Nytol Sleep Aid --

"Warning:  May cause drowsiness."

(..I''m taking this  because???.....)

     ==============================

On  most brands of Christmas lights --

"For  indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to  what?)

     ==========================

On  a Japanese food processor --

"Not  to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out  there, help me on this. I''m a bit  curious.)

     ==============================

On  an American Airlines packet of nuts --

"Instructions:  Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: say  what?)

     ===========================

On  a child''s Superman costume --

"Wearing  of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don''t blame the  company. I blame the parents for this  one.)

     ========================

On  a Swedish chainsaw --

"Do  not attempt to stop chain with your hands or  genitals."

(Oh my God..was there a  lot of this happening somewhere?)

     ===========================

Now  that you''ve smiled at least once, it''s your turn to  spread

the  stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to

(maybe  even chuckle)...
 

=============================

****Blessed  are the cracked:

for  it is they who let in the light***** 

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I hope this works...You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a ''drop off'' , (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you .....

In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it ...

Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you ...

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.

*Get off the merry-go-round, you''re pissed.*

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Inner Peace: This is so true   

     

 

If  you can start the day without caffeine, 

 

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, 

 

If  you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, 

 

If  you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, 

 

If  you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,   

If  you can take criticism and blame without resentment , 

 

If  you can conquer tension without medical help, 

 

If you can relax without liquor,  

 

If  you can sleep without the aid of drugs,   

 

....Then You Are Probably...... 

 

 

 

The  Family Dog!      

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40 years of marriage... A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ''For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'' The wife answered, ''Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: ''Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I''m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

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An Irish guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren''t such an idiot, you''d know that''s a sheep, not a cow."

The husband replies, "If you weren''t such a presumptuous bitch, you''d realize I was talking to the sheep."

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The Golfing Hit Man...


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, ''Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn''t turn up.''

''Sure,'' they said, ''You''re welcome.'' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.


Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, ''What do you do for a living?''

''I''m a hit man,'' was the reply.

''You''re joking!'' was the response.

''No, I''m not,'' he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper''s rifle with a large telescopic sight. ''Here are my tools.''

''That''s a beautiful telescopic sight,'' said the other friend, ''Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

''Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom . . .Ha Ha, I can see she''s naked!! Wait a minute, that''s my neighbor in there with her . . .He'' s naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, ''How much do you charge for a hit?''

''I''ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.''

''Can you do two for me now?''

''Sure, what do you want?''

''First, shoot my wife. She''s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.''

''Then the neighbor, he''s a friend of mine, so just shoot his penus off to teach him a lesson.''

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

''Are you going to do it or not?'' said the friend impatiently.



''Just be patient,'' said the hit man calmly, ''I think I can save you a grand here . . .''

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[quote user="Woman in the Stands"]

On  a Japanese food processor --

"Not  to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out  there, help me on this. I''m a bit  curious.)

[/quote][IMG]http://media.mobango.com/m/655n_Cfch9uOy8o9ad0HjpRNBH35iaWk8w1qNgBasn8xRBs9LozaURDM5QRG1sfsoC_R4LmA9djS_VizVTVnQzNdWXKSbuJU/546085.jpg[/IMG]

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I got myself a new Premier League tool box the other day, but surprised to find no Hammers in it.

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[quote user="Wings of a sparrow"]I told my mum that I''d opened a theatre. She said, ''Are you having me on?'' I said, ''Well I''ll give you an audition, but I''m not promising you anything.''[/quote]

Good to see another Tim Vine fan on here!

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A mate of mine has just told his girlfriend that he suffers from premature ejaculation.............Fair play to her,she took it on  the chin.

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Fernando Torres turns up at Stamford Bridge with a back pack. The security guard worriedly asks him what''s he got in the bag.

He replies "Porno DVDs, some counterfeit match day tickets,hooky replica shirts, some drugs and a gun".

The security guard says " Thank Christ for that....

I thought you''d brought your boots".

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[quote user="crabbycanary"]Fernando Torres turns up at Stamford Bridge with a back pack. The security guard worriedly asks him what''s he got in the bag.

He replies "Porno DVDs, some counterfeit match day tickets,hooky replica shirts, some drugs and a gun".

The security guard says " Thank Christ for that....

I thought you''d brought your boots".[/quote]Yes! [:D]

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