It's Friday and laughter is good for the soul

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A bloke in Leeds sees a job advertised for a fanny waxer''s assistant. Job includes ''remove ladies'' knickers, prepare fanny for waxing and then rub in oil afterwards''.The guy asks about the job and is told to go to Plymouth. He asks if that is where the job is based.The Job Centre staff member tells him, ''No, that''s where the flipping queue starts!''

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a

California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head

and, in a booming voice, God said, ''because you have tried to be

faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one

wish.''  The biker pulled over and said, ''Build a bridge to

Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.''

God replied, ''Your request is materialistic; think of

the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the

supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the

concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is

hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a

little more time and think of something that could possibly help

man kind.''

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally,

he said, ''God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I

want to know how she feels inside, what she''s thinking when she

gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means

when she says nothing''s wrong, why she snaps and complains when

I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly

happy.’                                                              

God replied: ''You want two lanes or four on that

bridge?"

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

On a bitterly cold winter''s morning a husband and wife in Belfast were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They

heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow

today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street,

so the Snowplows can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A

week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer

said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park

your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can

get through".

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The

next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer

says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must

park......."  Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very

upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don''t know what

to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows

can get through?"

Then,

with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are

married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don''t you

just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?" 

[First Wazzock 904]

Two men were talking.  ''So, how''s your sex life?''

''Oh, nothing special.  I''m having Social Security sex.''

''Social Security sex?''

''Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!''          

[First Wazzock 904]

CLARKSONISMS

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear
presenter Jeremy Clarkson''s quips are the stuff of legends
among car enthusiasts ...

"I''m sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it
is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and
sleeping on the couch."

"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a
politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece
of paper in the air saying there will be no war with
Germany."

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn''t
pull a greased stick out of a pig''s bottom."

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe
this car. It begins with ''s'' and ends with ''t'' and it isn''t
soot."

"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex
with an Ethiopian transvestite."

"The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic
sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.
More comfortable than what ... BEING STABBED?"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people
carriers. Not that that''s much to shout about. That''s like
saying ''Ooh good I''ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually
transmitted diseases."

"I don''t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to
get to places quicker than I do?"

Clarkson''s highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the
motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore
have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe
they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run
them down to prove them wrong."

" Britain ''s nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe ...
probably because they don''t have wheel-chair access."

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don''t feature
enough affordable cars on the show ... so we''ll kick off
tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire
French air force crashing into a firework factory."

"Sure it''s quiet, for a diesel. But that''s like being
well-behaved ... for a murderer."

"I don''t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an
animal''s duty to be on my plate at supper time."

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this
quality of Stitching ... on their face."

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think
of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her
tweed pants. I do, and it helps."

"You cannot have this car with a diesel. It''s like saying, I
won''t go to Stringfellows tonight, I''ll get my mum to give
me a lap dance, she''s a woman!"

"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of
a sports Car ... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush
is the equivalent of a President."

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more
attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex
appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

[First Wazzock 904]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, ''I am a Father..''
The little boy replied, ''My Dad doesn''t wear his collar like that.''
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''''I am the Father of many.''
The boy said, ''''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn''t wear his collar that way!''
 
The priest, getting impatient, said. ''I am the Father of hundreds'', and went back to reading his book.
 
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[First Wazzock 904]

 Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
 

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don''t be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

 

My Dear Husband

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
 

[First Wazzock 904]

British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains                     
 
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer''s back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

                     
You''re going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost chicken''''.
 

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Love the one with the chicken.Only the Yanks eh!   lol

[First Wazzock 904]

We have been allowed to look into the London events filing cabinet, removed a folder, opened it, and this is how we believe the games are being organised.
>
> OPENING CEREMONY
>
> The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
> area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
> will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the
> roof of the stadium.
>
> THE EVENTS
>
> In previous Olympic Games, East London ''s competitors have not been
> particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of
> the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local
> athletes.
>
> 100 METRES SPRINT
>
> Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one
> in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will
> be released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes.
>
>
> 110 METRES HURDLES
>
> As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
> fences, walls etc)
>
> HAMMER
>
> Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
> use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
> physical damage within three timed attempts.
>
> FENCING
>
> Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as
> possible in 5 minutes.
>
> SHOOTING
>
> A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The
> first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
> will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style
> Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced
> in this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-bore
> shotgun.
>
> BOXING
>
> Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams,
> and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15
> pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
> gets home. The bout will then commence.
>
> CYCLING TIME TRIALS
>
> Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
> take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy''s boy on his
> first trip away from home. All against the clock.
>
> CYCLING PURSUIT
>
> As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
> Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
>
> MODERN PENTATHLON
>
> Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing,
> joyriding, arson and generally hanging around.
>
> SWIMMING EVENTS
>
> All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once
> one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
> organized.
> Please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this year will
> comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
> pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
> "The Verve".
>
> THE MARATHON
>
> A safe route has yet to be decided.
>
> MEN''S 50KM WALK
>
> Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot
> guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London ,
> especially anyone that appears to be mincing.
>
> THE CLOSING CEREMONY
>
> Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
> Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners,
> synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir
> featuring the So Solid Crew.
>
> The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following
> the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism
> club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local
> athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the
> central heating boiler.

[First Wazzock 904]

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong
buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their @rse
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they''re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they''ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he''d be lost without it, and while he doesn''t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[First Wazzock 904]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
 Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

 After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
 True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion " 
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I''ve come back like we agreed."
"That''s wonderful! What''s it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it''s off to the golf course.
 I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
 Then I have lunch (you''d be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it''s back to the golf course again.
 Then it''s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
   "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
 
 
 
"No...........I''m a rabbit on Mousehold Heath

[First Wazzock 904]

A policeman in Adelaide pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic ...........

He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor''s note.

On it was written:
 
"This man suffers from chronic asthma.
Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

The man produced another letter.

This one said:
”This man is a hemophiliac.
Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read:

"This man plays cricket for Australia; please don''t take the p*ss out of him"

[First Wazzock 904]

Woman weightlifter goes to the Doctors and says, ''I''ve been taking Steroids and grown a c*ck''.

Doctor asks, ''Anabolic?''

She replies ''No just a c*ck''.

[First Wazzock 904]

Last night asked my wife for a w***.

She did it but used a key ring.

Perhaps it''s just me, but I felt I was being fobbed off...

[kilroyslefteyebrow 0]

Steady on you two.

Leave some jokes online for the rest of us to copy and paste!

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Mine are from emails kilroy.

[First Wazzock 904]

I went to se my Doctor this week and said, ''Can you get this mole off my penis?''

He said, ''No Steve, you need a good vet''.

[jb 0]

WITS''s posts are normally intelligent and readable - i''m really disappointed that she''s taken to posting unfunny racist carp.  I''m by no means a prude or a member of the PC brigade, but this has no place on the pinkun, or anywhere else for that matter.

[25overpar 0]

[quote user="jb"]WITS''s posts are normally intelligent and readable - i''m really disappointed that she''s taken to posting unfunny racist carp.  I''m by no means a prude or a member of the PC brigade, but this has no place on the pinkun, or anywhere else for that matter.[/quote]

Well, in the interests of retaining a balanced view I am also not a prude or a member of the PC brigade and I had a good laugh.  This is probably because I took them for what they were intended to be..................JOKES! 

Thanks WITS.

Got any more?   

[Marty 0]

I think you should be able to laugh at what you like, each to his / her own. It doesn''t make me a racist / sexist etc. People are too sensitive, I wouldn''t begrudge people of different ethnicicities laughing at jokes about us whiteys, and they do! In fact, one the pakistanis I work with is likely to send that sort of joke. Just me opinion.

[Proper Charlie 0]

F##k me the PC brigade are in! Get a life and a sense of humour! Or turn your attentions to a PC forum. They''re jokes get over yourselves! Nice one WITS you make me chuckle every Friday highlight of the week!! And no i''m not member of ANY racist organisation I just appreciate a good JOKE when I see one.

[InLambertWeTrust! 0]

Believe me, I dont want to stop people from posting jokes- gawd knows I''ve posted a lot of offensive ones!

I just have family members who are Muslim and I found it offensive....

 

sorry for having an opinion....

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

An observation - no-one complains when I post jokes about women or Christians....

[InLambertWeTrust! 0]

Look, I enjoy reading this joke thread as much as the next guy.

I hate those PC morons who dont want to ''offend anybody''.  I probably shouldnt have mentioned anything about my reaction.

Your observation is spot on [Y] I wish i knew why what you were saying was true!

[lappinitup 629]

[quote user="CT"]I''ve posted a lot of offensive ones!......and I found it offensive....

 

 

[/quote]See what you did there CT?

 

It''s ok for you to be offensive but not anyone else!

 

[InLambertWeTrust! 0]

Pot calling the kettle black me thinks!

It probably belongs in Bly''s yawn thread that one [|-)]

 

[;)][H]

[lappinitup 629]

[quote user="CT"]It probably belongs in Bly''s yawn thread that one [|-)]

 

 

[/quote]Quite good that! Good to see you are finally getting a sense of humour. [;)]

[Nuff Said 5,176]

I posted this link a couple of years ago, but it''s still as pertinent as ever, IMHO.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IYx4Bc6_eETwo points:- It''s easy for those in the majority to dismiss concerns about stereotyping of minorities when they have little or no experience of life at the other end of prejudice. When you or one of your friends or family have suffered prejudice on a regular basis, such as being turned down for a job, abused or attacked in the street perhaps you will understand a little more the longer term consequences of casual prejudice.- And the reason why there are no complaints about jokes about Christians (not sure about women though WITS) is that Christians are (nominally) in the majority in this country - they exert more power and have more influence and therefore, in my view, and that of many others, are either fair game or should stop trying to dictate when we shop on a Sunday, what is taught in our schools, whether a woman can have a termination and so on. And I''m not picking on Christians, just using them as an example as they were referenced earlier in this thread. The same logic applies to all majority groups - white people, men etc.Granted there are some ridiculous stories about PC over-reaction, although quite a few of these don''t stand up to close examination (Birmingham''s Winterval for example), but are they really on the same scale as the results of racism?Sorry, more of a Friday rant than a joke but the knee-jerk "PC brigade gone mad" comments are just lazy and thoughtless.

[banburygreen 0]

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them!!!!!!!!!