Avoiding the Royal Wedding joke thread

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

I bought a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.I can hardly walk but whenever I f@rt, the room smells fantastic!

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A woman was in a jeweller''s admiring a big diamond ring. As she bent down for a closer look, a little f@rt slipped out. Hoping no-one had noticed, she asked how much the ring was.The jeweller replied, ''Madam, if you f@rted looking at it, you''ll pooh your pants when I tell you the price!''

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

LADIES WHO LUNCH

 

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for 

Lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean 

View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where 

They should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet 

At the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good,

The wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where 

They should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet 

At the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and 

Quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the 

Waiters were sweet boys.

 

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed 

Where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they 

Should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was 

Wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were 

Kind.

 

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed 

Where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they 

Should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been 

There before.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

For

all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.

Here''s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage...WHY? Because women realize it''s not worth buying an entire pig just to

get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.  

2 Men are like.

Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you''re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials .

You can''t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8.Men are like .... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they''re coming, how many inches you''ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[CharlieFarlie 0]

Hi WITS ,

Long time since we have spoke , tried to get your attention at  Derby ( what a finish)

How have you been , are you going to Pompey ?

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that  plastic bags weren''t 

good for the environment. 

The woman apologized to her and  explained,

"We didn''t have the green thing back in my  day."

That''s right, they didn''t have the green thing in her day.  Back then, they returned their 

milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer  bottles to the store.The store sent them back to the 

plant to be  washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over.  So 

they really were recycled......  But they didn''t have the green thing back her day.

In her day, they  walked up stairs, because they didn''t have an escalator in every store 

and office building.       They  walked to the grocery store and didn''t climb into a 300- 

horsepower machine every time they  had to go two blocks.

But she''s right. They didn''t have the green thing  in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby''s diapers because they  didn''t have the throw-away 

kind. They dried clothes on a line,  not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 

220 volts -  wind and solar power really did  dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down 

clothes  from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that  old 

lady is right, they didn''t have the  green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio,  in the house - not a TV in every room.

And the TV had a small screen  the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of the 

state of  Montana . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they 

didn''t have electric machines to do  everything for you.

When they packaged a fragile item to send in the  mail, they used wadded up

newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or  plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn''t fire up an  engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. 

They used a  push mower that ran on human power.   They exercised by working 

so they didn''t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills  that operate on 

electricity. But she''s right, they  didn''t have the green thing back then.

They drank  from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a 

plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They  refilled pens with ink, 

instead of buying a new pen, and  they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead 

of throwing  away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. 

Back then,  people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the 

school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi  service. They had one 

electrical outlet in a room, not an  entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.

And they didn''t  need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from

satellites  2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza  joint.

But that old lady is right.......... 

They didn''t have the green  thing back in her  day.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

[quote user="CharlieFarlie"]

Hi WITS ,

Long time since we have spoke , tried to get your attention at  Derby ( what a finish)

How have you been , are you going to Pompey ?

[/quote]Wotcha CF!Am fine thanks, you?I did look to the Upper Barclay at Derby but you obviously weren''t looking when I was and vice versa lol. Yep off to Pompey, are you?

[CharlieFarlie 0]

Sadly no , I hope its going to be  promotion to play for on the night !

How''s the Job hunt going , I think I recall you had a few irons in the fire. Looks like you are going to spoons next Saturday , I am hoping to get there early enough to make it . Struggled the last two home games and have only arrived about 10 mins before kick off

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

How the internet started:

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet

started, but here''s the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did

take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she was often called....... Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from

town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short

of a camel load - but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between

to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you

who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by.... Uriah''s Pony

Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the

drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to

move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were

saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called

Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a

language to transmit ideas and pictures - .....Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself

inside Abraham''s drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham''s business.

But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com''s trading as doth the greedy horsefly

take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the

deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that

enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every

drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother

Gates'' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by

others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be

known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot ....replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham. And because it was Dot''s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham''s cousin, Joshua, being the young.. Gregarious Energetic Educated

Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot''s drums to locate things around

the countryside.

It soon became known as.... God''s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything

(GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began. So now you know............

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Have switched to Last one to reply thread so as not to irritate any other joke thread readers CF [:)]Make ''em work for the gossip lol

[The Fish Seller 0]

Saw a poor old lady slip and fall over on the ice the other day.

At least I assume she was poor, she only had £2.20 in her purse.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Why

do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for

centuries, but now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat

race ... you''re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework

... you''re a pansy. If you work too hard ... there''s never any time for

her. If you don''t work enough ..... you''re a good-for-nothing bum. If

she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get

off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion

ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you

..... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep

quiet ..... its male indifference. If you cry ... you''re a wimp. If you

don''t ..... you''re an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision

without consulting her ...... you''re a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she''s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn''t enjoy ... that''s domination.

If SHE asks you ... it''s a favor. If you appreciate the female form and

frilly underwear ..... you''re a pervert. If you don''t ... you''re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you''re

sexist. If you don''t ... you''re unromantic. If you try to keep yourself

in shape ..... you''re vain. If you don''t ... you''re a slob. If you buy

her flowers ... you''re after something. If you don''t ... you''re not

thoughtful. If you''re proud of your achievements ... you''re full of

yourself. If you don''t ... you''re not ambitious. If she has a headache

... she''s tired. If you have a headache ..... you don''t love her

anymore. If you want it too often ... you''re oversexed. If you don''t ...

there must be someone else.

Why do men die first? ...Simple... 

Because they want to.

[TIL 1010 4,789]

Just a tad surprised you are posting on here this morning of all mornings WITS.I would have thought you would be sat in front of the telly getting a few fashion pointers for yours and Smudgers big day.[:P]

[Show Me What You Gooot! 0]

I hate being Bi-Polar. Its fantastic

[morty 0]

[quote user="TIL 1010"]Just a tad surprised you are posting on here this morning of all mornings WITS.I would have thought you would be sat in front of the telly getting a few fashion pointers for yours and Smudgers big day.[:P][/quote]Lol.[:D]

[yoda 0]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kav0FEhtLug&feature=player_detailpage

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Is it past its use-by-date?If you can''t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice-cream, it''s time to throw them out.When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.Milk is off when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is off when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is off when it starts to look like cheese. Cheese is nothing but off milk anyway, so if you can dig down and still find something no-green, bon appetit!Any canned goods that have become the size of a football should be disposed of very carefully.Fresh potatoes should not have roots, branches or dense, leafy undergrowth.It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it no longer falls out the box by itself.

Happy munching [:D]

[lappinitup 629]

[quote user="TIL 1010"]Just a tad surprised you are posting on here this morning of all mornings WITS.I would have thought you would be sat in front of the telly getting a few fashion pointers for yours and Smudgers big day.[:P]

 

[/quote]Let''s see if we can help with a few ideas.......

 

[IMG]http://i1102.photobucket.com/albums/g445/lappinitup/image736.jpg[/IMG]

 

 

[lappinitup 629]

[IMG]http://i1102.photobucket.com/albums/g445/lappinitup/wed_bald-groom.gif[/IMG]

[lappinitup 629]

[IMG]http://i1102.photobucket.com/albums/g445/lappinitup/pregnant-brode-052609-m.jpg[/IMG]

[YankeeCanary 0]

[quote user="TIL 1010"]Just a tad surprised you are posting on here this morning of all mornings WITS.I would have thought you would be sat in front of the telly getting a few fashion pointers for yours and Smudgers big day.[:P][/quote]

I don''t think it''s going to happen. Smudger is into running now.

[YankeeCanary 0]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a  Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans..... all walk into a fine restaurant.

 

"I''m sorry," said the snooty maître d'', "but you can''t come in here without a Thai."

[Harry 0]

Went to a swingers party last night. All the blokes put their car keys in a pot and picked them out.Someone got the Merc owners glamour model wife, someone got the Rolls drivers posh girlfriend.I pulled out a fucking bus ticket and ended up with a single mother of 10 on benefits from 1p5wich!!!

[Harry 0]

I used to play darts with an 1p5wich fan,I had to stop when his head wouldn''t sharpen anymore.