Friday (at last!)

[The Butler 0]

Why???
 
 Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
 
 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
 
 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
 stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
 
 Why doesn''t glue stick to the bottle?
 
 Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
 
 Why doesn''t Tarzan have a beard?
 
 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
 throw a revolver at him?
 
 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
 
 Whose brilliant idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
 
 Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
 
 Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
 
 Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
 something new to eat will have materialized?
 
 Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
 vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
 
 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
 try?
 

 How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
 When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
 shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It''s all
 right?" Well, it isn''t all right, so why don''t we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
 Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that''s falling
 off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

 In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
 when we complained about the heat?
 
 How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
 
 
 The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
 suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
 friends -- if they''re okay, then it''s you.

 (SHIT!!! It’s me then!)

[First Wazzock 1,010]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, ''I warned you to be careful! Now we''ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.''

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ''Come on in.''
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, ''Are you the people that broke my window?''

''Uh...yeah! , sir. We''re sure sorry about that,'' the husband replied.

''Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I''m a genie, and I''ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you''ve released me, I''m allowed to grant three wishes. I''ll give you each one wish, but if you don''t mind, I''ll keep the last one for my self.''

Wow, that''s great!'' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ''I''d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.''

''No problem,'' said the genie ''You''ve got it, it''s the least I can do. And I''ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!''

''And now you, young lady, what do you want?'' the genie asked.

''I''d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,'' she said.

''Consider it done,'' the genie said. ''And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!''

''And now,'' the couple asked in unison, ''what''s your wish, genie?''

''Well, since I''ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven''t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.''

The husband looked at his wife and said, ''Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?''

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ''You know, you''re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn''t mind, but what about you, honey?''

You know I love you sweetheart,'' said the husband.I''d do the same for you!''

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?''

''Why, we''re both 35,'' she responded breathlessly

''No Kidding,'' he said.

''Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?''

[First Wazzock 1,010]

  In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods........

On Tesco''s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."*
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)*
 
 ==========================
 
On Sainsbury''s peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."*
(talk about a news flash)*
 
===========================
 
On Boot''s *Children''s''* Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car after taking
this medication."*
(We could do a lot to reduce road accidents if we could just get those 5
year-olds with head-colds out of cars.)*

 ==========================
 
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."*
(...and you thought????...)*
 
=======================
 
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.*
(That''s the only time I have to work on my hair.)*

====================================
 
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.*
(the shoplifter special?)*
 
===========================
 
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."*
(and that would be???....)*

============================
 
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."*
but, it''s just a suggestion.)*
 
========================
 
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."*
(but wouldn''t this save me time?)*
 
==============================
 
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."*
(..I''m taking this because???....) *
 
==============================

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."*
(as opposed to what?)*

==========================
 
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."*
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I''m a bit curious.)*
 
 ==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."*
(Step 3: say what?)*
 
 ===========================

On a child''s Superman costume -- "Wearing this garment does not enable you
to fly."*
(I don''t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)*

 ========================
 
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."*
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)*
  
 

[First Wazzock 1,010]

Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for
His wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the
More see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
It for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, ''I have an idea. It''s so see-through that it
Might as well be nothing.

I''ll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a
£150 refund for myself''.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says, ''My God! It wasn''t that creased in the shop''.

His funeral is on Thursday

[First Wazzock 1,010]

Tech support :    What kind of computer do you have? 
Female customer :    A white one...
 
    ===============
 
Customer :    Hi, this is Celine. I can''t get my diskette out.
Tech support :   Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer :   Yes, sure, it''s really stuck.
Tech support :   That doesn''t sound good; I''ll make a note.
Customer :   No , wait a minute... I hadn''t inserted it yet... it''s
still on my desk... Sorry....
   ===============
Tech support :    Click on the ''my computer'' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer :   Your left or my left?
   ===============
Tech support :    Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer :    Hello.... I can''t print.
Tech support : Would you click on "start"  for me and...
Customer :   Listen pal; don''t start getting technical on me! I''m not
Bill Gates.
   ===============
Customer :    Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can''t print. Every time
I try, it says ''Can''t find printer''.  I''ve even lifted the
printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
can''t find it...
   ============== =
Customer :    I have problems printing in red...
Tech support :   Do you have a color printer?
Customer :   Aaaah.....................thank you.
   ===============
Tech support :    What''s on your monitor now, ma''am?
Customer :    A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

   ===============
Customer :    My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support :    Are you sure it''s plugged into the computer?
Customer :   No. I can''t get behind the computer.
Tech support :    Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer : !   OK
Tech support :    Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer :   Yes
Tech support :   That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer :   Yes, there''s another one here. Ah...that one does work...
   ===============
Tech support :    Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple,
a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer :    Is that 7 in capital letters ?
 
   == =============
Customer :   can''t get on the Internet.
Tech support :    Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer :   Yes, I''m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support :    Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer :   Five stars.
 
   ===============
Tech support :    What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer :    Netscape.
Tech support :    That''s not an anti-virus program.
Customer :   Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
   ===============
Customer :    I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer,  
But every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
   ===============
Tech support :   How may I help you?
Customer :    I''m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support :   OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer :   Well, I have the letter ''a'' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?
   ===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support :    Are you running it under windows?
Customer :   "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. 
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,  
and his  printer is working fine."
   ===============
And last but not least...
Tech support : "Okay Bob, let''s press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer :   I don''t have a P.
Tech support :  On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer :    What do you mean?
Tech support :   "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer :   I''M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

[First Wazzock 1,010]

AN ACTUAL CRAIG''S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend''s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
 First, I''d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn''t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn''t it?!
 I know it probably wasn''t fun walking back to wherever you''d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I''m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
 After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you''d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
 I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go''s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
 I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver''s side of the car.
 Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ''s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA''s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
 The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc..).
  ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you''ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[First Wazzock 1,010]

If you are interested in getting an iPad I can get hold of them through a contact.
The numbers are limited and he has 10 iPads going for less than half price – it’s first come first served.
He has already sold one (pic is attached so you can see what you are getting – they are from a cancelled NHS contract due to the cutbacks.)
Get back to me as quick as you can if you want one  - see one in use below ....

[IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/2vj8mjo.jpg[/IMG]

[First Wazzock 1,010]

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.     I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[First Wazzock 1,010]

This really brings into perspective the actual figure of one billion.

 

 
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the word ''billion'' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the ''politicians'' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion Pounds ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

[First Wazzock 1,010]

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

 
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
                                                                  

YOU DIDN''T EVEN SEE IT COMING, DID YOU?

[First Wazzock 1,010]

UNIVERSAL LAWS    

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you''ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don''t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won''t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy''s Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15... Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don''t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown''s Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they''re ugly.

17. Oliver''s Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson''s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors'' Law - If you don''t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you''ll feel better. But don''t make an appointment, and you''ll stay sick.
------------------------------------------------------- 
 A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ''I don''t like the looks of your wife at all.''  ''Me neither doc,'' said the husband.  ''But she''s a great cook and really good with the kids.'' ----------------------------------  An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.  The Wizard says, ''Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.''  The old man says without hesitation, ''I now pronounce you man and wife.'' -----------------------------------    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband''s advice.  ''What do you think?'' I asked.. ''Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?''  ''Better get a bikini,'' he replied ''You''d never get it all in one.''  He''s still in intensive care. -----------------------------------    And, my favorite is:     The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.  The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, ''Well......she''s there.''

[First Wazzock 1,010]

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to please a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ? Boaby showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah''m no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as Rangers fans." Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You''ve goat tae gee me another week tae come up with the £500"

[First Wazzock 1,010]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.  He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they''re still walking about with it.  I thought to myself, they''ve lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ''The Flintstones''.  A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!  Sod this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield . 3.1415927 dead

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a crap ."

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I''d like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.  I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.  I thought to myself ''that guy''s heading for a breakdown''.

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was assaulted from behind on stage last night.  To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

[First Wazzock 1,010]

This morning on the  motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a Woman In a brand new BMW Doing  75Mph

With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away For a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don''t scare easily..

But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The meat pie Out of my other hand..

In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel,

It knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs,

Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the phone, soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an Important call.

BL00DY women drivers!!

[back of the net 0]

A chap went into a chemist shop and asked to talk to a male chemist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the chemist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.? She then asked if she could help.

The chap said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male chemist. The female chemist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The chap agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection.? It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment.? So I was wondering what you could give me for it." The chemist said, "Just a minute, I''ll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can offer you is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and 3,000 quid a month living expenses."

[back of the net 0]

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

''Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,'' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies ''Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.''

The Postman thinks a moment and says, ''How do you play WHO AM I?''

''Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ''family jewels'' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.''

The Postman laughs and says, ''Sounds like fun, I''m sorry I missed it.''

''Probably a good thing you did,'' Derek responded. ''Your name came up 7 times.

[hogesar 10,761]

I can''t stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin them for everybody else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bloody referees.

[back of the net 0]

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it''s Africa.

I''ve heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children''s ipod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She''s Eleven."

My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine''s Night. Problem was she''s rubbish at snooker

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair".

[spencer 1970 214]

A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table sharing 12 biscuits.

The banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader:

"Watch out for the benefit claimant, he wants your biscuit".

[Herman 11,136]

[quote user="spencer 1970"]A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table sharing 12 biscuits. The banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader: "Watch out for the benefit claimant, he wants your biscuit".[/quote]

[:D]