Friday laugh

[The Butler 0]

Why didn’t we think of this???????

From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement A perfect example of government mismanagement

Outside England ''s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years,it''s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40),for buses (about £7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn''t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo''s own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who''d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name.

 

Well it certainly made me smile!!

[The Butler 0]

 

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the 5/6 year old kids what do they need special for  home. 1st kid says "A computer, because we can all learn and use it Miss" Teacher replies "That''d be very good and very useful." 2nd kid says "A car because ours got taken away by a lorry and Dad has to walk to the bookies" The Teacher pats him on the back for being a thoughtful boy Johnny says " At my house we don''t need nothin." The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something. Johnny replies, "No I''m sure." "When my sister got pregnant  with her Muslim boyfriend, I remember my dad saying "Well that''s all we f*****g need."

[spencer 1970 207]

[quote user="The Butler"]

Why didn’t we think of this???????

From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement A perfect example of government mismanagement

Outside England ''s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years,it''s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40),for buses (about £7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn''t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo''s own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who''d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name.

 

Well it certainly made me smile!!

[/quote]

It''s a great story Butler and i''d love it to be true, but alas, it isn''t...it''s one of the better urban myths.

sorry to burst your bubble fella.

I.e., it''s a two-year-old April Fools'' prank gone viral; nothing more to it than that. For the record, the article further states that Bristol Zoo actually has more than one car park — several, in fact, none of which are open to coaches (buses) — and a comparable number of duly-hired attendants on the job.

http://www.thisisbristol.co.uk/news/PARKING-SCAM-MYTH-WORK-FICTION/article-2678485-detail/article.html

Urban myth of the Bristol Zoo parking attendant

[The Butler 0]

[quote user="spencer 1970"][quote user="The Butler"]

Why didn’t we think of this???????

From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement A perfect example of government mismanagement

Outside England ''s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years,it''s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40),for buses (about £7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn''t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo''s own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who''d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name.

 

Well it certainly made me smile!!

[/quote] It''s a great story Butler and i''d love it to be true, but alas, it isn''t...it''s one of the better urban myths. sorry to burst your bubble fella. I.e., it''s a two-year-old April Fools'' prank gone viral; nothing more to it than that. For the record, the article further states that Bristol Zoo actually has more than one car park — several, in fact, none of which are open to coaches (buses) — and a comparable number of duly-hired attendants on the job. http://www.thisisbristol.co.uk/news/PARKING-SCAM-MYTH-WORK-FICTION/article-2678485-detail/article.html Urban myth of the Bristol Zoo parking attendant[/quote]

Thanks Spencer.

You did note the name of the thread[:D]

[First Wazzock 904]

Dave  and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked  as  aircraft  mechanics  in Melbourne .
 
One day the airport was fogged in and  they were stuck in the  hangar  with nothing to do.

Dave said, ''Man, I wish we had  something to drink!'' 
 
 
Jim  says, ''Me too. Y''know, I''ve heard you can drink jet fuel  and  get  a  buzz.

You  wanna try it?''  
 
 
So  they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane  booze  and  get completely smashed.   
 

The  next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good  he  feels.

In  fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side  effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It''s Jim.  Jim says, ''Hey, how do you feel  this  morning?''

Dave says, ''I feel great, how about  you?''

Jim says, ''I feel great, too. You don''t have a  hangover?''  
 
Dave  says, ''No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover,  nothing.  We  ought to do this more often.''

'' Yeah, well there''s just  one thing.''  
 
''What''s  that?''

''Have you farted yet?''

''No.''

''Well,  DON''T - cause I''m in New Zealand ''

[First Wazzock 904]

[IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/2nogac.jpg[/IMG]

[First Wazzock 904]

[IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/zxqg4n.jpg[/IMG]

[First Wazzock 904]

Q: Doctor, I''ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
 
 A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don''t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.
Want to live longer? Take nap.
 
 Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
 
 A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
 
 Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
 
 A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
 
 Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
 
 A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
 
 Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
 
 A: Can''t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
 
 Q: Aren''t fried foods bad for you?
 
 A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
 
 Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
 
 A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
 
 Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
 
 A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
 
 Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
 
 A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
 
 Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
 
 A: Hey! ''Round'' a shape!
 
 Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
 
 And remember:
 Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other  - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
 
 AND.....
 
 For those of you who watch what you eat, here''s the final word on nutrition and health. It''s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
 
 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
 
 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
 
 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
 
 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
 
 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
 
 CONCLUSION:
 
 Eat and drink what you like.
 
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[First Wazzock 904]

 
How to correctly hold on in a moving train

 

[IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/2jady7l.jpg[/IMG]

No, No, the older guy by the door!!!
 
I worry about you sometimes...

[First Wazzock 904]

As soon as this happens........retire with dignity.......

 

[IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/2z73cyg.jpg[/IMG]

[First Wazzock 904]

Old  Timers Sex 
 

 The husband leans over  and asks his wife, ''Do you remember the  first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? 
 We went behind the  village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and  I made love to you.'' 
 ''Yes'', she says, ''I  remember it well.'' 
 ''OK,'' he says, ''How  about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it  for old time''s sake?'' 
 ''Oh Jim, you old  devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'' 
A police officer  sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle  to himself, he thinks to himself,                              I''ve got to see these two  old-timers having sex against a fence I''ll just keep an eye  on them so there''s no trouble. 
So he follows them. 
The elderly couple  walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support  aided by walking sticks.. 
Finally, they get to  the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence... 
The old lady  lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.                                                                                                                          As she leans against  the fence, the old man moves in.. 
Then suddenly they  erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever  seen. 
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and  screaming. 
Finally, they  both collapse, panting on the ground.                                                                                                                                           The policeman is  amazed. 
He thinks he has  learned something about life and old age that he didn''t  know. 
After about half an  hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple  struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. 
The policeman, is  still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing,  I''ve got to ask them what their secret is. 
So, as the couple  passes, he says to them, ''Excuse me, but that  was something else. You must''ve had a  fantastic sex life together. 
Is there some sort of  secret to this?'' 
Shaking, the old man  is barely able to reply,
''Fifty  years ago that wasn''t an electric fence   

[First Wazzock 904]

Just to let you know

No  matter what situations life throws at  you....

No  matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..

Remember  there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/e0fmeu.jpg[/IMG]

[First Wazzock 904]

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
 
 
 The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
 
 
 “My wife”, he replied.

[First Wazzock 904]

Dublin Tram Crash Wednesday, 24 February 2010 at 9:14
 

This is a picture of a collision between a Dublin Bus and a Dublin Tram

[IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/119ovie.jpg[/IMG]

Now have a look at the ad on the side of the bus that the Tram went into.

[IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/28khab8.jpg[/IMG]
 

[TIL 1010 4,801]

I was walking through the churchyard this morning when a guy popped up behind a gravestone.I said "morning".He repied "no,just having a shite".

[TIL 1010 4,801]

[quote user="TIL 1010"]I was walking through the churchyard this morning when a guy popped up behind a gravestone.I said "morning".He repied "no,just having a shite".[/quote]

Looks like shite is not permitted so i will try dump.

[. 0]

[quote user="TIL 1010"]

[quote user="TIL 1010"]I was walking through the churchyard this morning when a guy popped up behind a gravestone.I said "morning".He repied "no,just having a shite".[/quote]

Looks like shite is not permitted so i will try dump.

[/quote]Nor is **** or ****.... but **** is.Hope this helps.

[BlyBlyBabes 0]

OTBC

[Hooleyfan 0]

Welcome to Ipswich

Twinned with Ipswich

[dhickl 0]

[quote user="First Wazzock"]

Dublin Tram Crash Wednesday, 24 February 2010 at 9:14
 

This is a picture of a collision between a Dublin Bus and a Dublin Tram

[IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/119ovie.jpg[/IMG]

Now have a look at the ad on the side of the bus that the Tram went into.

[IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/28khab8.jpg[/IMG]
 

[/quote]You can see the corner of the advert in the top picture and it is different to the one in the bottom picture.  Even if you look at the reflection in the bus in the bottom picture, you can see that there is actually a different advert.  Sorry fake!

[First Wazzock 904]

Good spot dhickl!

That''s the problem nowadays all credibilty is lost with a forgery!!