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The Butler

Its Summer ,It's a Friday Yo Ho

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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it''s only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
* A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn''t need but it''s on sale.

BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman''s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man


MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn''t.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won''t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There''s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.  She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. 

 

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all you crose.”  The woman did as she was told.  “Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.”  Again, the woman did as she was instructed.  Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.”  So she did.  Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, “Your probrem vewy bad.  You haf Ed Zachary Disease.  Worse case I ever see.  Dat why you not haf dates or sex.”

 

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?”   Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, “Ed Zachary Disease is where your face rook Ed Zachary rike your @rse.”

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There are two statues in a  park; one of a nude man
and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each
other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one
day an angel comes  down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them,
''As a reward for being so patient  through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you''ve wished to do the most.''
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running  behind the shrubbery.The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the  two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, ''Um,  you have fifteen minutes left,
would you care to do it again?''
 
He asks her  ''Shall we?''
She eagerly replies, ''Oh, yes, let''s! But let''s change
positions.
This time, I''ll hold the pigeon down and you
s*it on its  head.''

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GOLF PANTIES
 
    The Swede''s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
    over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
    up and reveals her lack of underwear.
    ''Good God, woman! Why aren''t you wearing any
    skivvies?'', Ole demanded.
    Well, you don''t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.''
    The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
    says, ''For the sake of decency, here''s a 50. Go and
    buy yourself some underwear.''
 
    Next, the Irishman''s wife bends over to set her ball
    on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
    too, is wearing no undies.
    ''Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You''ve no knickers. Why not?''
    She replies, ''I can''t afford any on the money you give me.''
    Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , ''For the
    sake of decency, here''s a 20. Go and buy yourself some
    underwear!''
 
    Lastly, the Scotsman''s wife bends over. The wind also takes
    her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
    ''Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta hell are yer drawers?''
    She too explains, ''You dinna give me enough money ta
    be able ta affarrd any.''
    The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, ''Well,
    fer the love ''o decency, here''s a comb.....
    Tidy yerself up a bit..

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a doctor.

 
The doctor said, ''Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.''
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.   

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men''s clothing store and thought, ''That''s what I need... A new suit.''
He entered the shop and told the salesman, ''I''d like a new suit.''
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, ''Let''s see... Size 44 long.''
Joe laughed, ''That''s right, how did you know?''
''Been in the business 60 years!'' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ''How about a new shirt?''
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ''Sure.''
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ''Let''s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.''
Joe was surprised, ''That''s right, how did you know?''
''Been in the business 60 years.''
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ''How about some new underwear?''
 Joe thought for a moment and said, ''Sure...''
The salesman said, ''Let''s see... Size 36.
 Joe laughed, ''Aha! I got you! I''ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old...''
The salesman shook his head, ''You can''t wear a size 34.  

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.''

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WOMAN''S DIARY

28 August 2007 Saturday


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I''d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud,
so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted
so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn''t seem himself
- he hardly laughed and didn''t seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered
if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong,
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn''t follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love
- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep -
I think he''s planning to leave me -
maybe he''s found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAN''S DIARY:

Saturday 28 August

Newcastle  lost.

Gutted.

Got a shag though.

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   A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

   "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy''s moustache and he came down here by motorcycle.  I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

 "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders.  "You go to the stewardess lounge   at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea''s surprise when, a month or so later,  while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should  he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said.  I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cosy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I''m on this guy''s moustache again!"

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[quote user="missing in action"]Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on how to win wars.
Librarian says "fuck off you will lose it!"
[/quote]

[y]

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[quote user="I am a Banana"]A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won''t bring it back."[/quote]

 

Someone''s been on Sickipedia!,

[;)]

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