Friday and Half term so.........

[The Butler 0]

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a watchdog? A terrified postman.

One for Our FPA''s

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. "What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter "Public Practitioner," is the reply. "Name?" He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. "Oh, yes. We''ve been expecting you. You''ve reached your allotted span," says St Peter. "How can that be?" says the accountant. "I''m too young to go. I''m only forty-eight" "No, that''s impossible. " "Why do you say that?" "Well we''ve been looking at your time sheets and the hours you''ve charged your clients. By our reckoning you''re at least ninety three."

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[city-till-i-die 7]

DEAR DIARY....

WOMAN

He hardly spoke to me much tonight or hardly looked at me...a couple of hours later he turned of the tv turned to me and said are you coming to bed?

We cuddled, kissed and then made love...we fell asleep in each others arms

DIARY...

MAN:-

England lost fecking gutted....got a shag tho

[Beauseant 0]

Three women who were friends in high school have  returned   to their hometown to attend their 45th  reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their  position in life, and it''s clear that they are trying to one-up  each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to  the French Riviera  for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior  demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just  bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable  pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest  with you, we don''t have much money and we don''t have any material  possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to  shoulder  on my husband''s erect penis."

After a  long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says,  "Girls, I''ve got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress   you.

We''re not really going to the French Riviera  -- we''re going to my parent''s house for two weeks."

The  second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me.

To be honest, my Husband didn''t buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a  Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says,

"I also have a  confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one  leg......

 

[First Wazzock 706]

Last month a worldwide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
 In  Eastern Europe they didn''t know what "honest" meant.
In   Western Europe they didn''t know what "shortage" meant.
In   Africa they didn''t know what "food" meant.
In   China they didn''t know what "opinion" meant.
In the   Middle East they didn''t know what "solution" meant.
In   South America they didn''t know what "please" meant.
In the   US they didn''t know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And finally... in   England &   Australia they hung up because they couldn''t understand an Indian accent.

[First Wazzock 706]

So, here''s the story. . ..

 Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

   A ''friend of a friend'' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ''Artie.''

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a  spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn''t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife''s insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened  his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man''s wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands, & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol'' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

 However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the  hidden security cameras & observed by the store''s security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

        The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ....

        ''ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!''

[First Wazzock 706]

Top Four 2009  Adult Jokes   
Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, ''Ma''am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you''ll forgive me.''
She replies, ''If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I''m in room 221.''
---------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------
Third Place :

 
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife''s arm.
The wife turns over and says ''I''m sorry honey,
I''ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..''
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?''
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
 
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. 
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
''What''s wrong, Bill?'' she asked.
''Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?''
''Oh, Bill, you didn''t'' she exclaimed.
''Yes, I did.'' he replied.

''My God, Bill, what happened?''
''I got fired.''
''No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?''
''Oh...she got fired too. ''
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

 
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
''Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.''
''I know,'' the old man said. 
''We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.''
''Well,'' Granny snickered.  ''Let''s relive some old times.''
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
''You know, honey,'' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
''My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.''
''I wouldn''t be surprised,'' replied Gramps. 
''One''s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
===============================================

[First Wazzock 706]

Complaints regarding Council Houses
 
    
Sentences in letters written to councils in the UK
 
1.. It''s the dogs'' mess that I find hard to swallow

2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has
backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very
badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..

4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his
balls against my fence.

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from theoutside toilet roof.
I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6..My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away
from the wall.

8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.
My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster,
and 50% are plain filthy.

11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12.. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13..Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.

14..Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15..I want to complain about the farmer across the road..
Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it''s now getting too much for me.

16..The man next door has a large erection in the back
garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17..Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

18..I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please
do something about the noise made by the  man on top of me every night.

19..Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six
times but I still have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is
broke and we can''t get BBC2.

22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my
back passage has fungus growing in it.

23..He''s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole
house and I just can''t take it anymore.
 

[I am a Banana 0]

I went into a bank today and the staff were awful, I only asked for them clerk to check my balance and she pushed me over!

[The Butler 0]

[quote user="I am a Banana"]I went into a bank today and the staff were awful, I only asked for them clerk to check my balance and she pushed me over![/quote]

You will need to practice your delivery and timeing on that one Nana![:D]

[First Wizard 0]

---

Scene: Sioux Indian Reservation.

Little Heap goes to the US CAVALRY Doctor with an urgent medical problem........

LH: ''Big Chief Sitting Bull heap no shit.

Doc: Oh dear, give the Chief these pills and get back to me.

next day.

LH: ''Big Chief No shit''

The doc scratches his head and dishes out yet more pills.

day two.

LH returns and repeats the same sentence, ''Big Chief no shit'' This carries on all week, despite taking pills each visit.

Finally, the visits stop, so the doc assumes all is well with the Chief, then, after two weeks, a panting and trembling Little Heap visits the doc again.

Doc: ''What the hells the problem now?''

LH: ''Big shit...........no Chief'' he cries.

[Leedscanary 205]

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down

next toher, and asks her: "Can we have sex?""No," she replies,

"I''m married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.The

bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:"I can

tell you how to get to have sex with her!""Yeah?", says the

hippie."Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery

every Tuesdaynight at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress

up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your

beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."The

hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as

suggested on the next Tuesday night."I am God," he declares to

the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."The

nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to a***

sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity.''God'' agrees,

and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes,he jumps up

and throws back his hood with a flourish."Ha-ha," he cries. "I''m

the hippie!""Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I''m the bus driver!

[YankeeCanary 0]

"I also have a  confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one  leg......

 

Beau, this one creates a whole new image in my head as to why Delia made such a passionate plea as to why the twelfth man was needed. 

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy

can be a choice in life,

or a

condition imposed by circumstances.

While

attending a Marriage Weekend,

Ken and

his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare,

''It is

essential that husbands and wives know

the things

that are important to each other.''

He then

addressed the men,

''Can you

name and describe your wife''s favourite flower?''

 

Ken leaned

over, touched Janet’s arm gently,

and

whispered, "Homepride, isn''t

it ?"

 

And thus began Ken’s life of celibacy.