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The Butler

Beware of Friday Imposters!

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For the girls this week:-


The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,  
''What a Great chest you have!''                                   
He tells her, ''That''s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.''    
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,''What massive calves you have!''                  

The body builder tells her, ''That''s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.''    
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.  

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.  He catches up to her and asks why she ran  out of the apartment like that.                     

The blonde replies, ''I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!''

He said to me . . . I don''t know why you wear a bra; you''ve got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . .... You wear pants don''t you?

He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That''s a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me... ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ........ Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don''t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don''t have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don''t know; it has never happened.

He said to me. ...... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said..! .What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . ....... . Single women come home, see what''s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what''s in bed and go to the fridge.

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On a flight to Chicago, in super first class, they had separate men''s and women''s toilets.  A gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men''s restroom, but it had always been occupied.  The flight attendant noticed his predicament.  "Sir,” she said, "You may use the ladies’ room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on
the wall."  He did what he needed to do, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.  Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PS, and a red one labelled ATR.  Who would know if he touched them?  He couldn''t resist.  He pushed WW.  Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.  What a nice feeling, he thought.  Men''s restrooms don''t have nice things like this.  Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.  Warm air replaced the
warm water, gently drying his underside.  When this stopped, he pushed the PS button.   A large powder spray caressed his bottom, adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.  The ladies’ restroom is more than a restroom; it is tender loving pleasure.  When the powder spray completed its pleasure, he couldn''t wait to push the ATR button, which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.  Next thing he knew he was waking up in  hospital.  As soon as he opened his eyes a nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.  "What happened?" he exclaimed.   "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover.  Your penis is under your pillow."

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On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the doorof your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
 The dog said: "That''s a long time to be barking. How about only ten
 years and I''ll give you back the other ten?"
 So God agreed.

 On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I''ll give you a twenty-year
 life span."
 The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That''s a pretty long
 time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the
 field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
 and give milk to support the farmer''s family For this, I will give you a
 life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That''s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
 years. How about twenty and I''ll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.

 On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I''ll give you twenty years."
 But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
 the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
 "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

 So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
 family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
 grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
 bark at everyone.
 Life has now been explained to you.

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A new priest, born and raised in Texas, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like ''yes, I see'' and ''yes, go on,'' and ''I understand.''The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don''t you think that''s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit...what happened next?"

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Steve was having a few drinks in the pub on Friday night when in came a large crowd, including a workmate. They had a few beers and Steve got invited to a party by his mate. They arrived at this house and had a wonderful time, Steve didn’t know anyone, but the drink flowed and he had a great time.

Steve woke up in the morning feeling really hungover, and then he remembered the party. The only thing he could remember was that the house had a gold toilet seat. As the day wore on he began to feel better and decided he wanted to go and find the gold toilet seat. After much searching he finally located the house and knocked on the door. A lady answered the door and Steve said, ‘I came with a friend to a party here last night. ‘Great night’, said the woman.  ‘There is just one thing I can remember about last night’, said Steve, ’and that is, you have a gold toilet seat’.

At this point the woman shouts out, ‘Billy, I’ve got the b****rd who shit in the tuba’.

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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother:

''Frankie Brown showed me his winkie today!''

 Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, ''It reminded me of a peanut.''

Relaxing with a hidden smile,

Sally''s Mom asked, ''Really small, was it?''

Sally replied, ''No... salty .

 Mum Fainted

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Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor tiles.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in.

 "Bruce, I''ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.  


 "S''truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You''re stuck fast girl! 

 I''ll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can''t do 
it," Cobber said, "so let''s try Plan B."

 "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what''s that?" "I''ll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we''ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

 "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you''re doing that, I''ll stay here and play with her nipples."

 "Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

 "No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive"

Good on yer Mate! 

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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...   

''Dactor, it''s me ahrse. I''d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot''.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

''Incredible ''he says, ''there is a £20 note lodged up here.''

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man''s bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

''This is amazing!''exclaims the Doctor. ''''What do you want me to do?''

''Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! ''shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears,
and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

''Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat''s moch batter.
Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?''

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says''£1,990 exactly.''    

''Ah, dat''d be roit,'''' says the Irishman

''I knew I wasn''t feeling two grand..''

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Michael Jackson was disappointed when Stephen Gately walked through the pearly gates. He though he had heard someone say theer was someone from the boys home coming. [:^)]

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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.  Dr Smith advised her "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, ''Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

She did this faithfully for several months!  To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.  Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn''t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A  guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked  ''Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith''s?''

"''Yes I am.." she said. "How did you know?"

He winked and whispered, '' Hickory dickory dock...''

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A free-spirited young chap was making his first free-fall parachute jump.

At 12,000 feet he made his way to the door of the aircraft - and the instructor gave him the nod.

The young chap then launched himself into the slipstream, and commenced his free-fall.

A few seconds had elapsed, and the young chap glanced at the altimeter attached to his wrist, which read 9,000 feet.

"Only another 5,000 feet before I have to pull my ripcord" he thought, and continued his rapid and exhilarating descent. 

Another cursory glance at his wrist altimeter, which now read 4,000 feet..."Time to pull the ripcord"...he thought, and he grabbed the ''D'' ring from the left side of his chest - and pulled hard....Nothing happened!...."Shheeet!" he thought, so then he attempted to pull it further.....Nothing, no chute deployed - and his wrist altimeter was worryingly now reading 2,500 feet. He grabbed his reserve chute ''D'' ring and pulled hard.....Nothing happened!...Then pulled it further....Nothing!..."Shheeet!" as he plummeted to earth....

Resigned to his impending fate as he plunged earthwards, he suddenly spotted a black dot rapidly rising up towards him from the ground.

Within seconds it was nearly upon him, and he gasped as he saw it was a young man who was scorched from head to toe with his hair and eyebrows singed - and what was left of his tattered clothes which were smouldering and smoking.....

The young parachutist drew level with the the rising man, and they then both started falling earthwards in unison.....

The free-fall parachutist shouted to the chap "Hey mate! Do you know anything about parachutes?"....The dazed and slightly confused scorched bloke screamed back "No mate! Do you know anything about Gas Cookers?".....


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There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

And the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

It''s logical. He wants to rape us.

Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
At the most! What can we do?

The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

It''s not working.

Of course it''s not working. The man did the only
Logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

The only logical thing we can do is split.. You go that way and I''ll go

this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical
arrives at the convent and is
Worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn''t follow us both,

so he followed me

: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
As fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

: And?

: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

: Oh, dear! What did you do?

: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

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Blimey, the binners have won a major trophy since those creaking old lines first saw the light of day.

Some of the ''yank ones'' would have been too corny and too old for Bob Hope

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Man staggers into Hospital with Concussion,multiple bruises,2 black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped tightly round his head. Doctor asks "what the hell happened to you?" Well i was playing golf with the missus when we sliced our balls into a field full of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny, i yelled to my wife " this looks like yours", I don''t remember much after that.......

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