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First Wazzock

Friday Again...

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I found my dyslexic mate covering his di*k with boot polish at 2 am Sunday morning.
I said, ''You idiot, you were supposed to turn your clock back!''

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 OF COURSE THEY''RE SCISSORS

QUOTE FROM THE MUM:

THIS IS MY CHILD''S ARTISTIC RENDERING OF A PAIR OF SCISSORS.
I WONDER WHAT HIS TEACHER THOUGHT.
I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST A SMALL SMIRK WHEN I SAW IT.
I WAITED UNTIL HE WAS OUT OF THE ROOM UNTIL I STARTED CRYING FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.
WELL, OF COURSE THEY''RE SCISSORS.
IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WITH A SMALL CHILD OR IF YOU ARE A TEACHER YOU WILL LOVE THIS!

 

AS YOU ALL KNOW I WILL BE REQUIRED TO PROUDLY DISPLAY
THIS ON MY REFRIGERATOR FOR A LENGTH OF TIME ...

[IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/2uievyr.jpg[/IMG]

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Two men were talking.  ''So, how''s your sex life?''
''Oh, nothing special. I''m having Pension sex.''
''Pension sex?'' 
''Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!''
 

LOUD SEX  
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ''I''ve got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we''re in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.''

''My dear,'' the  shrink said, ''that''s completely natural. I don''t see what the problem is.''
''The problem is,'' she complained, ''it wakes me up!''
 

QUIET SEX
 
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
''How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?''
She glanced at him and replied, ''You''re never home!''

 

CONFOUNDED SEX  
A man was in a terrible accident, and his ''manhood'' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn''t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ''small, $6,500 for ''medium,  and $14,000 for ''large.''

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

''Well, what have the two of you decided?'' asked the doctor.

''She''d rather remodel the kitchen.''
 


 WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
 

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary  The husband yelled, ''When you die, I''m getting You a headstone that reads:
''Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever''.''


''Yeah,'' she  replies, ''when you die, I''m getting you a headstone that reads:
''Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'' ''


 

WOMEN''S HUMOROUS SEX  

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, ''This will make you happy tonight.'' He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn''t get back in.

 

ELDERLY SEX 

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found  her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder.
The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, ''Yes, your honor.  I figured that at 92, if he could have sex,  he could also fly.''

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A number of UK Banks have banded together to express their gratitude to the British people for helping them out in their time of need.
 
They have commissioned a limited edition commemorative pencil sharpener which will be offered to selected customers in gratitude for the billions of pounds profit they got out of us last year. It''s designed to remind us of the friendly and, even intimate relationship the banks have built up with the British public.

[IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/2drymoi.jpg[/IMG]

 

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For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that we could have alcohol, but due to liability issues, only one drink per person...

[IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/2njlzfc.jpg[/IMG]

I was fired for ordering the cups.

 

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This is genuine:-

The goverment are sponsoring an Anti spam-fraud month

They ask that spam and fraud e-mails be sent to a special address so that they can be collated/followed up and stopped.

If you forward to their special e-mail address THEY ARE BOUNCED BACK BY THEIR SPAM FILTER.

When tackled about this they have said that you can print them off and post them (of course  the links they want won''t be there)

Just love it!

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Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord…

“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”

“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just

the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the

landlord, sympathetically.

“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse

than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door

neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord

“It’s not” said the man…

“the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms”

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A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

 

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

 

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

 

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

 

Upstairs the wife thinks ''I have

an idea. It''s so see-through that  it might as well be nothing. I won''t

put it on - I''ll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a £150

refund and keep the money for myself''.

 

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

 

The husband says; ''Stone me, it wasn''t that creased in the shop''.

 

His funeral is this Thursday.

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I

was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty

and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars

for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ''If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'' ''No, I had to stop drinking years ago,'' the homeless woman told me.''Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'' I asked.''No, I don''t

waste time shopping,'' the homeless woman said. ''I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.''''Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'' I asked..''Are you NUTS!'' replied the homeless woman. I haven''t had my hair done in 20 years!''''Well,''

I said, ''I''m not going to give you the money. Instead, I''m going to

take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.''The

homeless woman was shocked. ''Won''t your husband be furious with you for

doing that? I know I''m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'' I

said, ''That''s okay. It''s important for him to see what a woman looks

like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.''

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Following the death of Eddie Stobart a film is being made of his life.It looks good,i''ve seen the trailer!

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A wife buys herself a pair of crotchless knickers to spice up her love life. She puts them on under a short skirt and sits on the settee opposite her husband.  He looks over his newspaper and says "are you wearing crotchless knickers?" She winks and says "yes darling" "Thank god for that!" he says, "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee!!"

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LATE NEWS FLASH

There has been more trouble reported in the middle east today with 10000 troops entering Jordan. She said she is a bit sore but still smiling.

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Are you insured with the correct insurance company for sex?

Sex with the wife................Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone.........Direct Line.

Sex with a transvestite.....Confused.com.

Sex with a fat bird............More Than.

Sex on the back seat of car...   Sheilas Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird........Privileged.com.

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