Friday already

[The Butler 0]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland
 
   
 
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.    

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!   

 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.    

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.    

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8.. DON''T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10.. DON''T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF. 

 

Subject: The Gunfighter

 Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter
 recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the
 reputation of  being one of the fastest gunfighters in the West.
 The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink
 and told him the story of his great ambition to be a really great
 gunfighter.
 ''Do you think you could give me some tips ?'' he asked.
 The old man looked him up and down and said, ''Well, for one thing, you''re
 wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your
 leg.''
 ''Will that make me a better gunfighter ?'' asked the young man.
 ''Sure will,'' replied the old-timer.
 The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
 the bow tie off the piano player.
 ''That''s terrific!'' said the hot shot.  ''Got any more tips for me ?''
 ''Yep,'' said the old man. ''Cut a notch out of your holster where the
 hammer hits it. That''ll give you a smoother draw.''
 ''Will that make me a better gunfighter ?'' asked the younger man.
 ''You bet it will,'' said the old-timer.
 The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
 In a flash and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
 ''Wow!'' exclaimed the cowboy, ''I''m learnin'' something here.  Got any more
 tips ?''
 The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ''See that
 axle grease in the can over there  -  coat your gun with it.''
 The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
 barrel of his gun.
 ''No,'' said the old-timer, ''I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
 all.''
 ''Will that make me a better gunfighter ?'' asked the young man.
 ''Nope'' said the old-timer, ''but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
 piano,
 he''s gonna shove that gun right up your backside and it won''t hurt as
 much.''

Letter to the Bank

Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly…

If one of my cheques is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you?

Have a good day all[:D]

[Beauseant 0]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in  Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.  The Reverend wasn''t happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. ''Mrs Fitzgerald,'' he said sternly. ''This is no place for a member  of my congregation. Why don''t you let me take you home?'' ''Sure,'' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.  When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she''d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their Balance and tumbled to the floor.  After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.  The pub landlord looked over and said, ''Oi Mate, we won''t have any of that carrying on in this pub.''  The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, ''But you  don''t understand, I''m Pastor Flapps.'' The landlord nodded and said, ''Oh well, if you''re that far in, you might as well finish.''

 

 

 

 

[Beauseant 0]

A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, "I''ve never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och! Weve been waitin'' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the green keeper. Let''s have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What''s wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They''re rather slow, aren''t they?"
George the green keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That''s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

Then the Priest said, "That''s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor said, "Good idea. I''m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there''s anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied, "I think I''ll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honor of these brave souls."

And the Scotsman said, "Kin they no play at night?

[First Wazzock 1,010]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute," said the Pope, "you can''t publish that. You''ll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

 

"This picture is my lottery win." said the photographer. "I''ll be financially secure for life."

 

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars. The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.

 

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said "how much did it cost you?"

 

"Two million dollars" replied the Pope.

 

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming!"

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,708]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked OK for a 54-year-old.

In fact, she wasn''t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I''d ever had a Sportsman''s Double.

''What''s that?'' I asked
''It''s a mother and daughter threesome,'' she said.
I said, ''No'' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ''my lucky night''.
I went back to her place.

 

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ''Mum, are you still awake?

 

[First Wazzock 1,010]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

 

''Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, ''Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. ''Was the other Indian crazy or what?''

 

The Indian replied ''No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ''Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there''s a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

 

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, ''Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!''

Immediately, there was the answer.

''Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

 

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, ''Wow, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!''

 

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

''Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, ''WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!''

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

 

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

 

 

 NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[First Wazzock 1,010]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ''girls.''  I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ''I promise!''  Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.  Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.  Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!).  The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ''MIDNIGHT''... he didn''t seem peed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ''We need a new cuckoo clock.''

When I asked him why, he said, ''Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ''oh shit.'' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted!!

[Wings of a Sparrow 1,708]

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment. 

 

For example, my GP referred me to a female urologist.  I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely gorgeous.  She''s beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
 
She told me that I have to stop masturbating. 

I asked her why and she said,

"Because I''m trying to examine you..."

[Beauseant 0]

As this thread has been accused of being rather un PC I thought I ought to redress the balance somewhat, so here''s a selection for our female readers......

 

 

The Why''s of Men

1.  WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX  
(because they are plugged into a genius)
----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON''T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?  
(they don''t have enough time)
----------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don''t stop to ask directions)
----------------------------------------------
4.. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won''t hump women''s legs at cocktails parties)
----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don''t know.....it never happened)
----------------------------------------------
( C''mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
----------------------------------------------


-----------------------------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
''What setting do I use on the washing machine?''

''It depends,'' I replied. ''What does it say on your shirt?''

He yelled back, '' University of Oklahoma ''

And they say blondes are dumb...

---------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ''I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.''

The woman replies, ''I''ll miss you...''

----------------------------------------------

''It''s just too hot to wear clothes today,'' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ''honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?''

''Probably that I married you for your money,'' she replied.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour
------- ---------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I''ll beat him to death.  AMEN
----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder ''Instruction Manual.''
---------------------------------------------- 

 

[First Wazzock 1,010]

Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend baby-sitting for his little sister, once they put her to bed Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in. "HARRY! I want a word with you in the kitchen!" So he follows his mother in and she says, "Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!" "Why?" Harry asks.

"Because up between them legs is a black hole and it''s got teeth in it, if you put your hand near it again it''ll bite your fingers off!"

Harry promises his mother that he won''t. The years go on and Harry finally marries his childhood sweet heart. On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife then rolls over and starts to go to sleep; his wife, rather annoyed cries, "Harry, I''ve been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!" "Oh no, no, no," Harry answers, "my mother told me that up between your legs you''ve got a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!"

Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a torch, shining it between her legs she says, "Can you see any teeth up there?" Harry moved down the bed to look, "Well Harry, can you?!" his wife asks. "No, there''s no teeth, but I''m not surprised looking at the state of your gums"

[ThetfordCanary 0]

This Add was posted to the Personal Column in the New York Times:


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date:  05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.  

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives. 

You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. 

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. 
 
First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. 

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
 
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn’t it?  
                
 I  know it probably wasn''t fun walking back to wherever  you''d come from bare footed since I made you leave your  shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
 
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! 

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] 

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb .... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.
  
 Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although  I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so  what''s going on with that? 

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). 

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you  ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you''ve chosen to pursue in life.
 
 Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!
 
 Thoughtfully yours,
 Alex

 

Have a nice dayeeee…!!!!

[ThetfordCanary 0]

Mike and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked
> as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport. One day the airport was fogged
> in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
>
> Mike said, "Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!".
>
>
> Jim says, "Me as weel. Y''know, I''ve heard ye can drink jet fuel
> and get a buzz. Ye wannae try it?
>
>
> So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane
> hootch and get completely smashed.
>
> The next morning Mike wakes up and is surprised at how good he
> feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
> Nothing! Then the phone rings...It''s Jim.
>
> Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this mornin''?"
>
> Mike says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yerself?"
>
> Jim says, "I feel great, too. Do ye have a sair heid?"
>
> Mike says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae hangover,
> nothin''. We need tae drink this stuff insteed o'' Smirnoff."
>
> "Aye! But there''s just one thing..."
>
> "What''s that?".
>
> "Have you farted yet?"
>
> "Naw..."
>
>
> "Well, DINNAE, ''cause I''m in Dusseldorf

[ThetfordCanary 0]

REVENGE....

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I''m not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT''S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he''ll give her one in the car and he''ll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter''s, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE''S the prick that ran over my frog.....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And finally!

 

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide
The librarian says "no, you wont bring it back"

[Yellow Submarine 0]

A little girl goes to see Santa in his Grotto.

" So my dear, what would you like from Santa this year?" 

" Barbie and action man" replied the little girl

" No my dear, Barbie comes with Ken" 

"No you''re wrong Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, but she comes with action man!"

 

What did father christmas say to the three essex girls? HO, HO, HO!