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The Polar Bears Made Me Do It

The reason Micky Phelan came back

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Apparently he wanted to return to a real club rooted in its local community. The sort of club where the fans walk from their home to the ground on matchdays. His stint at Theatre of Dreams has left him disillusioned with fans whose only connection to the team is via dodgy internet streams of games.

Accordingly, as an act of solidarity and to welcome Micky back on Saturday, could all plastics keep their internet connected devices turned off. Do something else, go and support your local team.

Norwich v Brighton - real fans only.

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I realise never going games makes you bitter. That sitting in a darkened room on matchdays gawping at a screen makes you feel emasculated and full of self-loathing. But, as with most problems, the first step is admission.

Try this. Stand in front of the mirror, look that reflection squarely in the eye and say in a load, clear voice "I am a plastic". You''ll feel much better for it.

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