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The Butler

The REAL Friday Joke thread.(It'snow joke)

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I know, I had some of the Tesco burgers in the fridge when I heard about this I thought I would take a look at them – and “they were off!”

I used to have my burger medium to rare – now I have it Good to Firm


I always use Thorough Bread


I have tried the Aldi-niti version


I take my burgers home in my Nose-Bag for life


I’m avoiding the Tesco smoked Paddock fish-cakes
 

Tesco set to struggle to meet demands after closure of their mane supplier…

I had a Tesco burger for my dinner last night.  When I went to bed I had some awful night mares

I refuse to buy food from Tesco because of all the additives they include.
I prefer mine Shergar free.

Is it a coincidence that ''HAMBURGERS'' is an anagram of ''SHERGAR BUM'' ?

Traces of zebras found in Tesco barcodes.

I''m so hungry I could eat a horse
Tesco, every little helps

Horsemeat has been found in burgers sold by stores including Tesco and Iceland.
A spokesman for Tesco said, ''We are working to ensure this does not happen again.''
A spokesman for Iceland said, ''We are proud to finally be selling burgers that actually have some meat in them.''

 
I asked the kids if they could tell the difference between cows and horses. They said they couldn''t.
That''s why Mum''s gone to Iceland.

 
my mate got food poisoning from burgers- hospital says he is in a stable condition.


I''d definitely avoid the burgers.  Try their meatballs instead.  They''re the dogs b****KS apparently!

 

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Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ''girls.''
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ''I promise!''
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.


I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him
.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)


The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
''MIDNIGHT''... he didn''t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ''We need a new cuckoo
clock.''

When I asked him why, he said, ''Well, last
night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said ''oh shit.'' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What''s going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they''re asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman''s poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, ''Ma''am, may I have that seat?''

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'' Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat..''

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

''Please, ma''am. May I sit down? I''m very tired..''

She snorted, ''Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!''

This time the Marine didn''t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, ''Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!''

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ''Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b*tch out of the window''.


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The wife ''s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.



I ''ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next sh*t could spell disaster.



My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay"
as she likes to call it.

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK! I can''t park the f***ing car! You do it, you SMUG b*st*rd!"

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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:


''I went by your grandma''s house today and


I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.


Man, she is one fine looking woman!''


The biker looks at him and doesn''t say a word.


His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.


The drunk leans on the table again and says:


''I got it on with your grandma and she is good,


the best I ever had!''


The biker''s buddies are starting to get really mad


but the biker still says nothing.


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,


''I''ll tell you something else, boy,


your grandma liked it!''



At this point the biker stands up,


takes the drunk by the shoulders


looks him square in the eyes and says....................


''Grandad’........... Go home!

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron''s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn''t going. Ron''s mates are very upset that he can''t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Geez Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I''ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ''Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she''s been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

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Two men with disabilities were great friends and loved attending football matches together. One had no legs and the other was blind. Their club allowed them to only pay for one seat as long as it was in the last row. No-legs always got up on Blind Bill''s shoulder so he had a  great view and could tell his mate what was occurring on the pitch. During one match no-legs kept digressing and commenting on the two sexiest looking girls that he had ever seen sitting a few rows in front.

After a few minutes of this Blind Bill said, "They are really sexy!" "

No-legs said, "How can you tell Bill? I thought you were blind."

Bill replied, "I can feel it in my neck."

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Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He''s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ''How am I doing?''

The prostitute replies, ''Well Norman, old sailor, you''re doing about three knots.''

''Three knots?'' he asks. '' What''s that supposed to mean?''

She says, ''You''re knot hard, you''re knot in, and you''re knot getting your money back.''

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I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some really good gin & tonics. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I''ve never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block, but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big breasts.


When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.



In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.



When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.



When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn''t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.



When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.



I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big breasts.

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One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood

on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the

homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with

a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

''Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of

a party last night,'' the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies ''Actually we had it Saturday night.

This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday

morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbour-

hood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all

got so drunk around midnight that we started playing ''WHO AM I.''

The Postman thinks a moment and says,

''How do you play WHO AM I?''

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time

covered with a sheet with only the ''family jewels'' showing

through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..''

The postman laughs and says,

''Sounds like fun, I''m sorry I missed it.''

''Probably a good thing you did,'' David responded.

''Your name came up 7 times.''

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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists
Found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
Conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a
story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists,
finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright,
a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely **** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already
gone wireless."



Just makes me bloody proud of the British!

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Good to see this thread make a return Butler and just love the Tesco jokes in your opening post but i must warn you that in light of Pete''s New Year message this may get moved to ''Non Football'' as a couple of days ago i started a thread just about this Tesco burger news and i got up the next day to find it had been moved. It had run for two pages and was enjoyed by everybody except someone who obviously had a downer on it.[:P][;)][:)].

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[quote user="First Wazzock"]Before they were turned into burgers, it was reported that the Tesco horses were sexually abused. Police are now looking for Jimmy Saddle.[/quote]

 

[:D][Y]

 

Would be a shame if this thread got moved too. I''m soooooo 2012[;)]

 

A policeman in the city stops a man in a car with a monkey in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that monkey?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the monkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. Tilly pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that monkey to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

 

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[quote user="Duncan Edwards"]In the inclement weather a lorry has shed it''s load of wigs on the A11. PC Tilson is said to be combing the area.[/quote]

This post stands out head & Shoulders above anything else on hair. [H]

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PC Tilson was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike. Nice bike," Tilly said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!" Tilly looked the bike over and handed the girl a £20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put some lights on the back of it." The young girl looked up at PC Tilson and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled Tilly. The little girl looked up at him and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

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[quote user="Duncan Edwards"]PC Tilson was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike. Nice bike," Tilly said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!" Tilly looked the bike over and handed the girl a £20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put some lights on the back of it." The young girl looked up at PC Tilson and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled Tilly. The little girl looked up at him and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."[/quote]

 

[Y] [Y] [Y]

 

Talking about head and shoulders.....!!!!! Two thumbs (and all else) up.

 

[:D]

 

OTBC

 

 

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[quote user="TIL 1010"]Good to see this thread make a return Butler and just love the Tesco jokes in your opening post but i must warn you that in light of Pete''s New Year message this may get moved to ''Non Football'' as a couple of days ago i started a thread just about this Tesco burger news and i got up the next day to find it had been moved. It had run for two pages and was enjoyed by everybody except someone who obviously had a downer on it.[:P][;)][:)].[/quote]

 

If you saved it before you went to bed then you could swerve old blue pencil pete and post it again at your leisure in nthe morning!

 

Of course you might get a forum asbo, but hell you''re retired now.................. Live it up a bit!

 

OTBC

 

P.S. If you still have a problem with him I''m sure nutty will be happy to teach you the double step-over for a small consideration.

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Of course everyone knows that Bly isn''t saying ''on the ball city'' he''s just showing he''s a fully paid up member of the ''old thick b@sturds club'' ;)

Sorry if this one has been repeated but:

I was in tesco cafe the other day and ordered myself a burger, the waitress asked if I''d like anything on it, I replied ''yeah, a fiver each way''

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[quote user="refjezdavies"]Of course everyone knows that Bly isn''t saying ''on the ball city'' he''s just showing he''s a fully paid up member of the ''old thick b@sturds club'' ;) Sorry if this one has been repeated but: I was in tesco cafe the other day and ordered myself a burger, the waitress asked if I''d like anything on it, I replied ''yeah, a fiver each way''[/quote]

 

Had you been there furlong[:^)]

 

(we mays as well rehash yesterday''s not we''re allowed) [;)]

 

 

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