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Rudolph Hucker

Norwich To Trial New Ball-Boys (And Girls)

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My mate who is a close friend of an uncle of a Norwich City employee has told me Norwich City will respond to the distastful Hazard vs Ball Boyo incident with a complete change to their recruiting policy.


Despite the disappointment this will cause to a number of expectant children, previously drawn up plans will be brought forward with the new changes to take place in the Luton cup game this weekend.


It was felt that national attention will be on the shoulders of the kids and the stress this might cause them is too great a risk to the Club''s reputation. Furthermore, the cost of staff vetting is becoming prohibitive as the cost and necessity of ever more detailed CRB checks add to Club costs.


The accusation of maleable children being ''used'' by clubs to affect results under certain conditions is something the club wants to avoid along with ''lessons for life'' where it is considered highly inappropriate to imbue impressionable children with a gamesmanship ethos. It is hoped the move will add to Norwich City''s FIFA Fair Play chances this season and could be the catalyst for European qualification.


Instead of ''ball boys'' which is a generic term for both genders the Club will now be employing the equally generic ''Ball Bors.''


Qualification to be a ''Ball Bor'' begins at age 70 and is open to everyone above that age irrespective of gender, ethnicity, dentistry, dementuricity and physical capability.


The advantages of ''Ball Bors'' are obvious. Should a ball bor fail to retrieve a ball at a pace and efficiency considered acceptible by the average Belgian International there could be any number of allowances made. Should the ball bor stumble onto the ball the medical implications are far more prohibitive and players less likely to be involved in any form of retrieval.


Norwich City refute the suggestion this system is fallable by ball bors exaggerating their conditions, pretending they had a memory lapse, play sleeping or absence altogether due to toilet breaks - especially at certain ambient temperatures. There is such a significant cost implication that the club intends doubling up on the numbers so each ball bor has a friend to talk to although the suggestion this could be a younger relation has been dismissed.


So, this Saturday, when a Norwich 2nd eleven take on Luton Town and lead by a single goal in the 88th minute with Luton pressing hard for an equaliser have some patience and respect for the septuganarian in the tracksuit struggling to lever him/herself up off his stool/commode chair, get the blanket off his/her legs, remember where he/she is and what his/her instructions are and bend painfully to retrieve the ball. Later the same individual will be shoving you out of the bus queue and fighting with you for the last loaf in Asda.

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