It's Friday again...and it's snowing

[First Wazzock 902]

Just to lighten the mood ...

 

A suggested name for Kate and Will''s Royal baby is, ''Helix Shatterproof'', quite apt for a little ruler.

[First Wazzock 902]

I just found a whip, a mask, and handcuffs in my mum''s bedroom, I can''t believe it, she''s a superhero!

[First Wazzock 902]

There was aknock on the door thismorning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I''m a Jehovah''s Witness..."

I said"Come in and sitdown."

I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"

He said,"Buggered if I know, I''ve never got this farbefore."

[Nicko 0]

This is at best, 2 minutes of my life wasted.

[First Wazzock 902]

Irrefutable proof that the right woman can bring balance and stability to your life

 

 

[IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/t9hbth.jpg[/IMG]

[First Wazzock 902]

[quote user="Nick"]This is at best, 2 minutes of my life wasted.[/quote]

Add some of your own, anyone can join in.

Unless you have, no sense of humour/jokes to tell/had a personality bypass

[Lord Horn 0]

A bloke starts his new job at a zoo and is given 3 tasks. The 1st job is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

 

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won''t be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

 

Moving on to the 2nd job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

 

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

 

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

 

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. The new lion wanders over to the other lions and says "What''s the food like here?"

 

The lions turn round and say: ......

 

"Absolutely brilliant, .....today we had Fish & Chimps with Mushy Bees.

[Lord Horn 0]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John''s
minivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So
they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered
the door if they could spend the night.

''I realize it''s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I''m recently widowed,'' she explained. ''I''m afraid the neighbours
will talk if I let you stay in my house.''

''Don''t worry,'' John said. ''We''ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we''ll be gone at first light.'' The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skii ng.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, ''Keith, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?''

''Yes, I do.'' Said Keith.

''Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?''

''Well, um, yes!,'' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ''I
have to admit that I did.''

''And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?''

Keith''s face turned beet red and he said,
''Yeah, look, I''m sorry, buddy. I''m afraid I did.'' ''Why do you ask?''

''She just died and left me everything.''

[First Wazzock 902]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of
him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don''t
know what hole I''m on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I''m on 7; you''re on 6." He
...

thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost
again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I''m sorry
to bother you again but I''m lost again, can you please tell me what hole
I''m on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I''m on 14; you are on
13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked
if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they
were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I''m in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it''s too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know
what she sold she said she''d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He
promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn''t laugh".
He replied "I''m sorry, but I couldn''t help it. I sell toilet paper. I''m
still one hole behind you."

[First Wazzock 902]

50 Sheds of Gray
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.

Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has
Author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the
Garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the
Only place for a good shed.



She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I''m yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to Nando''s.



She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.



Ever since she read THAT book, I''ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.



"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can''t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."



"I''m a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.



"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What''s the gross national product of Nicaragua?"



I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.



"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.



"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You''ve got fat ankles and no dress sense."



"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I''m done, you won''t be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.



"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.



"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

[crabbycanary 2]

1.   How do you organise a space party?

You planet

2. My wife says she hates me when I''m drunk.

Which makes us even, as I hate her when I''m sober

3. My mate reckons his testicles are see through.

That''s clearly b******s

4. It''s predicted that by 2025, you''ll be no more than 6 feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager

 

 

 

 

[First Wazzock 902]

Waiting in a lay by ready to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his blues & twos and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don''t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma''am," the officer replies, "you weren''t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" ......the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma''am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven''t made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they''ll be all right in a minute officer. We''ve just come off the A120."

[First Wazzock 902]

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’s
store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I''m retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn''t have a dog, I was
starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I''d lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter''s @rse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I''m now banned from TESCO’s. Better watch what you
ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of
daft things to say.

[First Wazzock 902]

[IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/2vto4zo.jpg[/IMG]

[First Wazzock 902]

How tough are Australian men??

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire: one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika, and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins
Kiven the Kiwi says, ''I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field

and scared a crocodeale, who came out

of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale, wristled him to du ground,

and killed em with my beer hends''.

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who, typically, can''t stand to be bettered) said, ''Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it''s head off, ind then sucked the poison from it''s body down in one gulp. End I''m still here today''.

Bruce, the tough Australian, remained silent: slowly poking the fire with his p*nis.

[nutty nigel 7,531]

 

Doctor Doctor I think I''m a moth.
You need to see a psychiatrist!
I know, I was just on my way there when I noticed your light on...!

Doctor, Doctor I think I''m a bell?
Take these and if it doesn''t help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I''m suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn''t I see you yesterday?

 

 

[nutty nigel 7,531]

[Bws Cat 0]

Excellent work chaps

I need a good larff today

[nutty nigel 7,531]

What is a crafty pig called?

CunningHAM.

[crabbycanary 2]

Just had my picture taken with R.E.M

That''s me in the corner

I said to my wife, "I don''t like it when you plait your hair"

She said "Well I do like it. It looks cute.

I said, "Why can''t you get a Brazilian like any normal woman?"

I called the RSPCA today and said "I''ve just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs".

"That''s terrible" she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I''m not sure, to be honest" I said. "But that would explain the suitcase".

My wife gave me a leaflet on anger management last week....

I lost it

[YankeeCanary 0]

 

My mother told me I''d never amount to anything.

 

I told her nothing would stop me.

 

Turns out we were both right.

[nutty nigel 7,531]

Dr. Smith recently got his doctorate in psychology and his first assignment was to visit the community loony bin retirement home for the patient''s monthly mental examination.

He sees his first patient and asks him, "Ralph, how much is six times six?" Ralph responds "74." He asks the next resident, "Tim, how much is six times six?" Tom responds, "Thursday." Expecting more of the same, he approaches Randy and asks him, "Randy, how much is six times?" "THIRTY-SIX" replies Randy. "That''s right Randy, well done! Now tell me how did you know that answer?" "Oh it was easy... I just subtracted 74 from Thursday!"

 

[nutty nigel 7,531]

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don''t know what the problem is, but I''ve been farting all the time. It''s not really a problem socially because they don''t make any noise and don''t smell. I just can''t stop farting all the time. In fact, since I''ve been standing here I must have farted at least 20 times."

"No kidding..." says the doctor with a bit of an upturned nose. The doc says "I''ve got just the stuff." and gives her some pills. "Here take these for 10 days, then return for a followup appointment."

So she takes the pills and returns 10 later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I''m still farting just as much! They still don''t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "Great, now that we''ve your sinuses cleared up, we''ll work on your hearing next!"

 

 

[LinkNR9 0]

[quote user="First Wazzock"]

[quote user="Nick"]This is at best, 2 minutes of my life wasted.[/quote]

Add some of your own, anyone can join in.

Unless you have, no sense of humour/jokes to tell/had a personality bypass

[/quote]

Still waiting, Nick!