First Wazzock 1,010 Posted June 22, 2012 Dear Holly,I’m going prematurely bald and I am paranoid that women won’t be able to see beyond my massive shiny noggin, glinting in the sunshine. Do you think anyone will notice if I use a sharpie to colour it in? How does Wayne Rooney do it?AdamWiltshire Dear Adam,A big boy from Y6 has a brother who knows the best friend of a lady who once saw Coleen Rooney on the tube, and he told us that apparently the reason Wayne Rooney was banned for two matches is because he was caught illegally harvesting the hair of corpses in order to fashion his new barnet. Apparently he started out using belly button fluff borrowed from the navels of sex workers, but it just kept sliding off his bonce and making him look daft in Liverpool nightclubs, so he soon escalated to grave robbery. One dark night, when Kai was in bed and Coleen was tanning her earlobes, Wayne dressed in a black football strip and sneaked into the cemetary. By the light of the moon he used a pair of nail scissors to plunder the armpit hair of thirty-seven cadavers, pausing only to vomit into his football boots. But it was all worth it, when he could look in a mirror with pride again and see a man with bizarre fluffy corpse-hair grinning back. Unfortunately, Wayne failed to seek the permission of the Head of FIFA in advance and therefore he was immediately branded a bad sport and told he was banned from playing until he had made an even more magnificent toupee for Sepp Blatter.Hope that helps!Holly Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BroadstairsR 2,273 Posted June 22, 2012 Please don''t mock Wayne''s weave in such a way. If it hadn''t had been for that Gerrard''s cross would have probably skidded off his bald pate, as was, for a goal kick. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spanner 0 Posted June 22, 2012 Did I miss the funny part Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BroadstairsR 2,273 Posted June 22, 2012 It is really nice to see an old Friday tradition resurrected, especially with all the doom and gloom on here recently. Being fish and chips day, this will do, although it''s probably older than Holt is. Lady walked into fish and chip shop and ordered cod and chips."Sorry madam," said the owner, "we have no more cod."The lady threw a mini tantrum saying "It''s my birthday, I must have cod, I have promised myself this on my special day.""Look lady," said the owner, "Take the ''p'' out of plaice and what do you get?""Laice," said the lady."Take the ''s'' out of skate and what do you get?""Kate," said the lady."Take the ''f'' out of cod and what do you get?"She paused for a moment before saying, "There''s no ''f'' in cod.""That''s what I told you," said the owner. There''s no "f" in Lambert either. Doom and gloom. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,010 Posted June 22, 2012 [quote user="BroadstairsR"]It is really nice to see an old Friday tradition resurrected, especially with all the doom and gloom on here recently. [/quote] Very true about the gloom and doom, so here''s another... What''s 6 inches long and wont get sucked next Valentines Day? Whitney Houston''s crackpipe. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,010 Posted June 22, 2012 Two mates talking...Do you ever look at your wife''s face when you make love?I did once and saw the anger in her faceWhy anger?Because she was watching through the window... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,010 Posted June 22, 2012 I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,010 Posted June 22, 2012 EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDERNumber 8Life is sexually transmitted.Number 7Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.Number 6Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without anerection, make him a sandwich.Number 5Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use theInternet and they won''t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.Number 4Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dyingof nothing.Number 3All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention tocriticism.Number 2In the 60''s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world isweird and people take Prozac to make it normal.And The Number 1 ThoughtLife is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn yourass tomorrow. - - - and as someone recently said to me:"Don''t worry about old age--it doesn''t last that long." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,010 Posted June 22, 2012 Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow AirportOne day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.Dave said, ''Man, I wish we had something to drink!''Jim says, ''Me too. I''ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.You wanna try it?''So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.Nothing!Then the phone rings. It''s Jim . Jim says, ''Hey, how do you feel this morning?''Dave says, ''I feel great, how about you?''Jim says, ''I feel great, too. You don''t have a hangover?''Dave says, ''No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.We ought to do this more often..'''' Yeah, well there''s just one thing.''''What''s that?''''Have you farted yet?''''No.''''Well, DON''T - ''cause I''m in Athens Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 1,010 Posted June 24, 2012 A man is walking behind his wife and says ''You are so fat your @rse looks like a washing machine''.His wife keeps quiet and at bedtime when he''s asking for sex she says, ''I can''t start the washing machine for such a small load you''ll have to hand wash'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Chops 7 Posted June 25, 2012 "Doctor, Doctor, I think I have a hearing problem.""Can you describe the symptoms?""Yes, there''s a fat one called Homer and one with big hair called Marge."[:|] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Syteanric 1 Posted June 27, 2012 i was reading about Cat Lovers the other day, apparently the Pope is a Cat-a-holic.I was on holiday last week, knocked on the door of a B and B that looked nice, an old codger answered "What do you want!" he asked, "i want to stay here" I replied... so he shut the door....i''ve got a book coming out soon... probably shouldnt have eaten it....I was sitting in traffic this morning... I got run over... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
