Return Of The Friday Joke Thread

[First Wazzock 730]

My four year old son gave me his Santas Letter today. Ah Bless I thought, let''s have a little peek.

It read ''Dear Santa, can I please have lots and lots of clothes so I can give them to all the naked children on Grandad''s computer''

[First Wazzock 730]

Reports in the press that said George Michaelis suffering with pneumonia have been dissmissed by his agent saying thathe is actually suffering from bird flu.....

 
having kissed a cockatoo.
 
 

[First Wazzock 730]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said you''re obviously not listening.

[First Wazzock 730]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer''s ancestry, sexual
orientation etc in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on
without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an ''AH'' in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the
''violator'' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when
presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it
stands for. The officer says "That''s so when we go to court, I''ll remember
that you''re an asshole!"

Two months later they''re in court. The ''violator'' has a bad driving record
and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent
him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer
responds "Yes, sir, that is the defendant''s copy, his signature and mine,
same number at the top".

Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or quotation on this ticket
you don''t normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the
narrative there is an ''AH'' underlined". "What does the ''AH'' stand for,
officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, sir." "Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, sir." "Officer, are you sure it doesn''t stand for asshole?" "Well,
sir, you know your client better than I do."

[First Wazzock 730]

A warning has been issued to ginger woman.

 

Do not have a Brazilian as this will definitely look and smell like a FISH FINGER

[Mister Chops 3]

I''ve just started an "optimistic thinking" class.  Can''t see it working.  For a start, the group is half-empty.