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Lord Horn

Return of the Friday joke thread

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Teacher " What vegetable is round brings tears to your eye''s"
Little Jonny "A cabbage Miss".
Teacher "No silly, its an onion"
Little Jonny" Well its obvious you''ve never been hit in the balls with a cabbage".

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FLAWLESSLY LOGICAL
The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is....

 


The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning..
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don''t want some other w**ker using my stuff."

She looked at me and said : "What makes you think I''d marry another w**ker?"

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How bad is our economy?

Our economy is SOOO BAD, that....

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can''t afford
batteries.

CEO''s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald''s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children''s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn''t afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali
pirates

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After both suffering depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed himself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought F*ck it,        

........I''ll soldier on..!

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An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young woman.

He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute thing over there ?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I''d try the ATM in the lobby."

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The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.


Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan


--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.  The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company

 

-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I''m here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It''s a very special watch.

It''s been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

 

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the
chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist''s fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

 

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude was never invited back.

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Stuffed up another blind date last night.
She asked me what kind of ring tone did I have.
I said I hadn''t looked lately but I think it''s brown
.

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''You know why its called Jackass?'' complained my girlfriend. ''Because only Jackasses like you watch it''

''That must be why you watch loose women then'' I replied

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My Grandad was part of the team that cracked the Enigma machine......

Thankfully it had been decoded before the clumsy bastards dropped it!

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I did a documentary on that in Bletchley on the history channel before I moved to America I was just an extra but it was cool to put on the old clothes and everything

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The priest at ''Our Holy Father'' primary school let the kids shave his hair for charity.

He said at first it did feel strange, but it did make his c*ck look bigger.

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Arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall & singing ''It''s a heartache...nothing but a fools game''.

I thought to myself she''s a bonnie tiler

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[quote user="Blurboy1980"]I did a documentary on that in Bletchley on the history channel before I moved to America I was just an extra but it was cool to put on the old clothes and everything[/quote]

Off topic I know but my uncle had something to do with Bletchley Park and he has a lifetime pass to it although he is still very secretive about what role he had.

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I''ve just seen Liverpool are 17/2 on to win the Premier League next season.

For those of you that don''t understand betting, it means if you put £10 on, you will lose £10.

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I dreamt I was being attacked by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Ironically , I dont know which one it was as he didn''t have a mask on.

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My Mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old.

Watching them drive away on his float was the worst 3 hours of my life.

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[quote user="Lord Horn"]Arrived home to find a pretty woman grouting the bathroom wall & singing ''It''s a heartache...nothing but a fools game''. I thought to myself she''s a bonnie tiler[/quote]

[:D]

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