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Woman in the Stands (WITS)

Saturday sillies

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I noticed the Friday joke thread was omitted yesterday...They

used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a

pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery... if

you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor."

 

But

worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn''t even afford to

buy a pot ....they "didn''t have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest

of the low.

The

next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water

temperature isn''t just how you like it, think about how things used to

be. Here are some facts about the 1500s: 

 Most

people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were

starting to smell .... brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the

body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when

getting married.

Baths

consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had

the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,

then the women and finally the children. Last of all came the babies. By

then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don''t throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses

had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It

was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other

small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became

slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the

roof... Hence the saying "It''s raining cats and dogs."

There

was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a

real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up

your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over

the top afforded some protection. That''s how canopy beds came

into existence.

The

floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence

the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get

slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor

to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more

thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start

slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence:

a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren''t you?)

 In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that

always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things

to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They

would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get

cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food

in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: "Peas

porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days

old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite

special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to

show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the

bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all

sit around and "chew the fat."

Those

with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content

caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning

death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years

or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread

was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the

loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper

crust."

Lead

cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes

knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.. Someone walking along the

road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were

laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would

gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England

is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to

bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a

bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of

25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and

they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a

string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up

through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night - "the

graveyard shift" - to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,

"saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that''s the truth... Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

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This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser''s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It''s crowded and dirty..    you''re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We''re taking Easy jet," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Easy jet?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That''s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly,

and they''re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"
We''ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome''s Tiber River called Teste."

"Don''t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it''s

really a dump. What are you going to see whilst you''re in Rome?"

"We''re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That''s rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He''ll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You''re going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time on one of Easy jet''s brand new planes, but it was

overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old

steward who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great! They''d just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now

it''s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner''s suite at

no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that''s all well and good, but I bet you didn''t get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained

that

the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I''d be so kind as

to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would

personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

 

"Oh, really!! What''d he say?"

He said:
"Who the f**k did your hair?"

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A Norwich fan, an 1p5wich fan and a Chinese man are in the hospital maternity ward. The doctor goes out to the fathers and he tells them that there has been a mix up with the babies. He says, "each of you go in and choose a baby that you think is yours, then come out and then we will review the situation."The Arsenal fan goes in first and comes out with a baby. The doctor immediately spots a fault. He approaches the Norwich fan and says, "come on lad, you know that''s the Chinese baby" to which he replies "I know, but there is a Scummer baby in there and I ain''t taking no chances!"  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, a ship full of football fans crashes on a deserted island. Three of the fans manage to escape the shipwreck, and sit under a palm tree. Suddenly the first fan shouts “There''s a shark over there, let’s go get it!” So they get the shark, and create a cooking fire. The first fan says, “I support Hartlepool, so I''ll eat his heart.” Then, the second fan says, “Well, I support Liverpool, so I''ll eat his Liver.” Finally the third fan says, “I support Arsenal, but I''m not hungry.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Norwich fan and an 1p5wich fan collide in a huge accident on the A12. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt."This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the City fan "I agree" replies the Town fanThe City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving. "Look" he says to the Town fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"He hands the bottle over to the Town fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car."Aren''t you having any?" asks the Town fan. "No" replied the City fan, "I think I’ll wait until the Police get here."

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Puns

for the 

educated....

1. King Ozymandias

of  Assyria

was running low on cash after years of war with

the Hittites.  His last great possession was

the Star of the

Euphrates , the most valuable

diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went

to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a

loan.Croesus said, "I''ll give you 100,000

dinars for it.""But I paid a million

dinars for it," the King protested. "Don''t you

know who I am? I am the king!"Croesus

replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no

difference who you

are."---------------------2. 

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his

family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the

Swiss league records were  destroyed in a

fire, ...and so we''ll never know for whom the

Tells

bowled.---------------------3. A

man rushed into a busy  doctor''s surgery and

shouted, "Doctor! I think I''m shrinking!"

The  doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle

down..You''ll just have to be a little

patient."---------------------4.

Back in the  1800''s the Tate''s Watch Company

of

Massachusetts

wanted to produce other products, and since they

already made the cases for watches, they used them

to produce compasses. The new compasses were so

bad that people often ended up in

Canada or

Mexico rather than

California .

This, of course, is the origin of the expression

-- "He who has a Tate''s is

lost!"----------------------5.

An  Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he

summoned the medicine man.  After a brief

examination, the medicine man took out a long,

thin  strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the

chief, telling him to bite off,chew, and

swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a

month, the medicine man returned to see how the

chief was feeling.  The chief shrugged and

said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers

on."----------------------6. A

famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage

and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local

civic official, who apologized profusely saying,

"I must have taken Leif off my

census."----------------------7.

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a

deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third

slept on a  hippopotamus skin. All three

became pregnant. The first two each had a baby

boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin

had twin boys. This just goes to prove

that...  the squaw of the hippopotamus is

equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two

hides. (Some of you may need help with this

one).-----------------------8. A

skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South

American folk remedies with the assistance of a

tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a

particular fern were a sure cure for any case of

constipation.  When the anthropologist

expressed his doubts, the elder looked him

in  the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with

fronds like these, you don''t need

enemas."

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A

Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and

a sheepdog were washed up with him.Looking around, he realised that they

were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the

habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch

the sun set.One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with

beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for

romance.As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better

to the lonely Welshman, soon he leaned over to the sheep and..... put his arm

around it.But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled

fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep...After

that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was

no more cuddling.A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was

another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most

beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. she was in a pretty bad way when he

rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.When the young

maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual, it

was another beautiful evening .. red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle

breeze- perfect for a night of romance.Pretty soon, the Welshman

started to get ''those feelings'' again, he fought the urges as long as he could

but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over

to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,''Would you mind

taking the dog for a walk?''

 

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Insurance cover, and where to get it can be a minefield. This handy

guide provides some useful advice on where to obtain relevant insurance

in a variety of common situations related to sex...

SEX with your wife - Legal & General SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union SEX on the telephone - Direct line SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy SEX in a hurry - Insure & Go SEX with your boyfriend - Standard Life SEX with a transvestite - Confused.com SEX with someone different - Go compare.com SEX with an animal - Compare the meerkat.com SEX with a fat bird - More Than SEX on the back seat - Sheila''s Wheels SEX with an O.A.P - SAGA SEX with a posh bird - Privilege.com SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union

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Isn''t it spooky how many stars have died aged 27....Jimi Hendrix,Jim Morrison,Janis Joplin,Brian Jones and now Amy Winehouse.

Anybody know the date of Jedwards birthday?

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A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while

he''s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything

behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a

pool ball.The barman screams at the man, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!""Sorry," replied the man. "He eats everything in sight, I''ll pay for everything."The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.Two

weeks later, he''s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a

drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a

maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his rear end, pulls

it out and eats it.The barman is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey just did ?" he asks."Yeah,"

replies the man. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he

swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can''t wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!! ...........................................................................When I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it''s regular porn, you sicko." ...........................................................................Why do men pass gas more than women?Because women can''t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ...........................................................................Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One says to the other "Shall we go in and get s*** faced?"...........................................................................Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?They don''t have balls to scratch. ...........................................................................If women are so good at multitasking, how come they can''t have a headache and sex at the same time?...........................................................................I went to see the nurse at the doctors for my annual check-up and she said I had to stop masturbating.When I asked why she said, "Because I’m trying to examine you!"...........................................................................A penguin walked onto a pub and asked the barman, has my dad in been in here?The barman says, I dunno, what does he look like?...........................................................................Why did the skeleton burp?He didn''t have the guts to fart.

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