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Lord Horn

The Premier Friday Joke Thread

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Just to pass time until 9 0''clock!!!!!

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one''s for me and one''s for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That''s amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a w***er

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I am constantly getting strange phone calls, its annoying. The guy on the other end keeps singing Prince Charming and Stand & Deliver. I keep telling him to stop calling me but he''s adamant.

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Last night i was awoken by four Ipswich fans outside my window playing football with a hedgehog.I was absolutely disgusted and was about to ring the RSPCA when the hedgehog went 1-0 up.

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Police raided Kermit''s lily pad last night and found hundreds of pictures of Miss Piggy in the nude.  It was the worst case of frog''s porn they''d ever seen.

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Just been to the gym.They’ve got a new machine in.Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.It’s great though. It does everything-

 KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

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