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Lord Horn

The Premier Friday Joke Thread

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Top scientists were invited to a party, and they all replied stating whether or not they could attend...

Ampere was worried he wasn''t current.

Audobon said he''d have to wing it.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin waited to see what evolved.

Descartes said he''d think about it.

Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn''t been feeling himself lately.

Edison thought it would be illuminating.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.

Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

Mendel said he''d put some things together and see what came out.

Morse''s reply: "I''ll be there on the dot. Can''t stop now , must dash."

Newton planned to drop in.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Volta was electrified, and Archimedes buoyant at the thought.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight

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I found four 1p5wich fans playing football with a hedgehog last night, i was absolutely disgusted and was about to call the police and RSPCA but then the hedgehog went one up..

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said you''re obviously not listening.

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A teacher''s story about Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,'' she says

A little girl raises her hand. ''I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.''
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, ''I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!''

''That must''ve been scary,'' said the teacher.

''It sure was,'' said the little girl.
''My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say ''F**k-off !,'' the Rottweiler ate her!


The teacher had to leave the room.

 

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A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer''s ancestry, sexual
orientation etc in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on
without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an ''AH'' in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the
''violator'' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when
presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it
stands for. The officer says "That''s so when we go to court, I''ll remember
that you''re an asshole!"

Two months later they''re in court. The ''violator'' has a bad driving record
and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent
him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer
responds "Yes, sir, that is the defendant''s copy, his signature and mine,
same number at the top".

Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or quotation on this ticket
you don''t normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the
narrative there is an ''AH'' underlined". "What does the ''AH'' stand for,
officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, sir." "Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, sir." "Officer, are you sure it doesn''t stand for asshole?" "Well,
sir, you know your client better than I do."

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client.

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The Swede''s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren''t you wearing any skivvies?" Ole demanded. "Well,
you don''t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any!"

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of
decency, here''s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Next, the Irishman''s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You''ve no knickers. Why not?" She replies "I
can''t afford any on the money you give me". Patrick reaches into his pocket
and says "For the sake of decency, here''s a 20 - go buy yourself some
underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman''s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of
Jaysus, Aggie! Where de hell are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna
give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any". The Scotsman reaches into
his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love "o decency, here''s a comb... tidy
yerself up a bit!"

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It''s the newly qualified teachers first day at school. At lunchtime she''s on playground duty when she notices a small fat boy with glasses standing all alone at the end of the playground whilst all the other boys are running round playing football on the far side."hello" she says "are you okay""yes miss" he replies and off she walks.A while later she''s walking past the playground and sees the same boy standing with his hands in his pockets looking bored."Still on your own I see" she says to him "Why don''t you run over there and join in that game of football""I''m okay here thanks miss " says the boy.A little later she''s back and this time still seeing the lad standing alone whilst all the others are enjoying themselves she marches up to him grabs him by the hand and walks over the playground to the lads playing football."It''s very selfish of you......." she begins but before she gets any further they all turn and run away to the other side of the playground and start cheering and laughing."Right says the teacher that''s it, come with me and I''ll make them give you a game."The little lad replies "But miss I am playing, I''m the flipping goalkeeper!!!"

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A 73 year old woman is arrested for streaking at the Chelsea Flower Show.  She goes to court and is let off with a caution but wins First Prize for Best Dried Bush Arrangement.

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When my girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face...........

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Peter Beardsley is the latest footballer linked to a super injunction, apparently the bird he shagged doesn''t want to be named..!

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Dan was a single guy living athome with his father and working in the family business.

 

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly fatherdied, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

 

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.


Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just anordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I''ll inherit $200 million."

 

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!


 

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Details have been released regarding Britain''s introduction of the next generation of fighting ships:

 

 

 

 

The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships of this class HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the HM Ships naming committee have, after intensive counselling, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The final four ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user-friendly crow''s nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own on-board industrial tribunal.



The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime!

All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward and crèche, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash"; out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains: this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only by request.

Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".

All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to the women.



The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the white ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.



The newly-renamed HMS Cautious is due to be re-commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the Royal Marines.

Sea Trials are expected to take place, when she sets out on her maiden mission.

She will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the south coast.



The Prime Minister said that "While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation.

His final words were " Britain never, never waives the rules!

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.

At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what as almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she''d shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She''d yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He''d yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her ''husband''.  

As the couple neared the hooker''s corner, Prince Charles realised she''d bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he''d really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he''d better have a good explanation for his Wife
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.                             
 

Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight b@st@rd!"                              

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Bill and Ben are in the bath together:

Bill says "flobberlobberlobber"

Ben says "If you love me you''ll swallow it"

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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ''racism'' these days.
 


A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find Irish sausages?"  
 
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

 
 The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.  But let me ask you something.

 
 If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

 Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

 Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

 Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

 Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn''t." 
 
 
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I''m Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you''re in Halfords."

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Apparently Peter Beardsley is the latest footballer linked with a super injunction, the lady took it out as she did not want to be indentified.

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The Peter Beardsley joke is on the 1st page.[IMG]http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd347/barclayendchoir/LOL.jpg[/IMG]

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[quote user="Harry Pothead"]The Peter Beardsley joke is on the 1st page.

[IMG]http://i530.photobucket.com/albums/dd347/barclayendchoir/LOL.jpg[/IMG]
[/quote]

Doh - epic fail

 

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Best friends graduated from         medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two         different specialties, they would open a practice together to share         office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist         and Dr. Jones was the proctologist;  they put up a sign         reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones:         Hysterias and Posteriors".   The town council         was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to         read:  "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids"  This was also not         acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High         Colonics"......No       go.

Next, they tried "Manic       Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down       again.

Then came "Minds and       Behinds"....still no good.


Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable yet again.

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts".....no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.

"Loons and Moons".....forget it.

Almost at their wit''s end, the docs finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it. 

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Police have said the Premier League Referees'' Headquarters has been broken into. All that was stolen was a wallet, two watches and a list of Manchester United''s results for 2011/2012

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So Wayne Rooney has had his hair transplant, apparently if any club comes in for him because of his new haircut he can leave for £20million, he''s got a salon clause

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