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First Wazzock

It's Friday...

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Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia and David Cameron, her British counterpart, are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Julia goes first. "What will Australia be like in 100 years time"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives her a printout, she reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new Prime Minister, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

David thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I''ll have a bit of that" so he asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout..

But he''s just staring at it.

"Come on David" says Julia, "What does it say"

David replies, "I''m buggered if I know, it''s all in Arabic"

 

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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ''racism'' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"  

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.  But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn''t."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I''m Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you''re in Halfords."

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A lesson in how consultants can make a  difference in an organisation.
 
Last week we took some friends to a new restaurant, ''Steve''s Place'' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. 
 
 
It seemed a little strange. When the assistant waiter brought our water and utensils, I observed that he too had a spoon in his shirt pocket. 
 
 
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I enquired, ''Why the spoon?''
 
 
''Well, ''he explained,''the restaurant''s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.


After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently  dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. 
 
 
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man hours per shift.'' 
 
 
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ''I''ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'' I was impressed. 
 
 
At this point I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter''s fly.
 
 
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ''Excuse me but can you tell me why you have
that string right there?'' 
 
 
"Oh, certainly!'' Then he lowered his voice. ''Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. 
 

By tying this string to the tip of our you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. 
 
 
I asked quietly,''After you get it out, how do you put it back?''
 
 
''Well,'' he whispered, ''I don''t know about the others,but I use the spoon.

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Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; 

they put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".  The town council  was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read:  "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids"  This was also not  acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High  Colonics"......No  go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.


Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable yet again.

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts".....no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.

"Loons and Moons".....forget it.

Almost at their wit''s end, the docs finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it. 

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IDIOT SIGHTING 1 

 

 

My daughter and I went through the MacDonalds take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece.  She said, ''you gave me too much money.'' 

I said, ''Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.''
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ''We''re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing. 
The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..  
Do not confuse the girls at MacD''s.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ''large'' enough motor on the opener.


I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, ''Madam, you need a  ¼  horsepower.'' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ''NOOO, sorry it''s not. Four is larger than two.''
We haven''t used Garador repair since. Happened in Bromley, Kent 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 3
I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ''Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don''t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.''
Story from Crayford, Kent

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ''minimum lettuce.'' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Gillingham Kent

 


IDIOT SIGHTING 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked,   ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?''
To which I replied, ''If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?''
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ''That''s why we ask.''
Happened at Luton Airport

 


IDIOT SIGHTING 6
The traffic lights on the corner buzzes when it''s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, ''What on earth are blind people doing driving?!''
She is an Essex County Council employee in Dartford Kent

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 7
When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver''s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

''Hey,'' I announced to the Mechanic "It''s open!''
His reply, ''I know. I already did that side.''
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.

 

STAY ALERT!

 

They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and  REPRODUCE!

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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband''s car pull into the driveway.

 


  ''Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband''s home early!''

 


  ''I can''t jump out the window. It''s raining out there!''

 


  ''If my husband catches us in here, he''ll kill us both!'' she replied.. ''He''s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!''

 


  So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town''s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

 


  Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

 


  Do you always run in the nude?'' one asked.

 


  ''Oh yes!'' he replied, gasping in air. ''It feels so wonderfully free!''

 


  Another runner moved a long side. ''Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?''

 


  ''Oh, yes'' our friend answered breathlessly. ''That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!''

 


  Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ''Do you always wear a condom when you run?''

 

  ''Nope..just when it''s raining.''

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.
 
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
 
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I''ve made."
 
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
 
"It''s a planet," replied God, and I''ve put life on it. I''m going to
call it Earth and it''s going to be a place to test Balance."
 
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I''m still confused."
 
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I''ve placed a continent
of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things."
 
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice
The Archangel, impressed by God''s work, then pointed to a small green
land area jutting into the sea between the Bay of Fundy and the
Atlantic Ocean, and said, "What''s that one?"
 
"That''s New England, the most beautiful place on earth. There is
rolling countryside changing color with every season, rivers and
streams, lakes for fishing, forests, hills, and all around the ocean
and beautiful beaches. The people from New England are going to be
handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to
travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of many good things."
 
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
 
God smiled, "Not very far from New England is a place called
Washington DC.............Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

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My wife and I went to  the  County agricultural show  and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was  the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen  and there was a sign attached that said,  


'' THIS BULL  MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ''


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs... smiled and said, ''He mated 50 times last year, that''s almost once a week..''


We walked to the second pen, which had a sign attached that said,
''''THIS  BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'' 

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ''WOW~~That''s more than twice a week!... You could learn a lot from him.''


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
''THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR''

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs and said,
''That''s once a day... You could REALLY  learn something from this one.''

I looked at her and said,
''Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow..''

 

 

 

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full  recovery.

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16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 60 YEARS TO LEARN 
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can''t dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she''s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it''s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

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An Indian    goes into a market and asks a stall holder for six toilet rolls.

 

The stall    holder said we have these extra soft and thick toilet rolls for £2.50.

 

Oh no, the    Indian replies, too dear.

 

So the    stall holder said "There are these for £2.00", he holds up six    luxury toilet rolls. 

 

No, No,    replies the Indian too dear. So the stall holder picks up a packet of six    IZAL toilet rolls.  "These are a £1.00".

 

 I    take them said the Indian and pays the pound.

 


Next    morning the Indian is back at the stall with the opened IZAL toilet rolls    in his hand.

 

 I    have brought back the John Wayne toilet rolls, they are no good.

 

 Why    do you call them John Wayne toilet rolls the curious stall holder asks.

 

The    Indian replied,   They are Tough,  Hard and they take no    s*it from Indians.

 

 

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Aussie walks into a  pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..  
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ''Is your date running late?''


''No'', he replies,''I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..''


The intrigued woman says, ''a state-of-the-art watch?
''''What''s so special about it?''


The Aussie explains, ''It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.''


The lady says, ''What''s it telling you now?''

Well, it says you''re not wearing any panties.''


The woman giggles and replies
''Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
'' Damn thing''s an hour fast!''

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What do Kate Middleton and Osama Bin Laden have in common?

Last Sunday they both had their back doors smashed in and were shot in the face by a bloke from the RAF!

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A young Chinese couple get married.
She''s a virgin & they are both waiters.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn''t know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
 
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss
anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

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Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store.

As yet, the store wasn''t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we''re selling."
 
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin'' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We''re selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well...Only two left."

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A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes. He popped into a phone box near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs... Well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call. ''Hello'', the woman says. Gosh, she sounded sexy.

 


''Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I''d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I''m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber leather, whips, everything you''ve got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?''

She says, ''That sounds fantastic love, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ''Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!''
The husband said, ''Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?''

''Doesn''t matter,'' she said. ''Just **** off.''

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Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known Islamic terrorists - Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin and Bin Theivin. Unfortunately there was no sign of the last one - Bin Workin.

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After recently dropping the Copa Del Rey off a bus in Spain, its been rumoured that Sergio Ramos is close to signing for Ipswich Town. At least he won''t have the same problems there...

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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMANBetween 18 & 22, a woman is like Africa .... half discovered, half wild; naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.Between 23 & 30, a woman is like America .... well-developed and open to trade, especially for high finance investors.Between 31 & 45, a woman is like India .... very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.Between 46 & 55, a woman is like France ....  gently ageing but sensual with an appreciation for the finer things.Between 56 & 60, she is like Yugoslavia .... lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and in need of massive reconstruction.From 61, a woman is like Afghanistan .... everyone knows where it is but no-one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 & 80, a man is like Libya .... ruled by a dick.

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Following the sad death of Henry Cooper Audley Harrison has just risen one place in the rankings.

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