Friday !!

[The Butler 0]

Arthur is 90 years old.

He''s played golf every day since his retirement

25 years ago.One day he arrives home looking

downcast."That''s it," he tells his wife. "I''m giving

up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I''ve hit

the ball, I can''t see where it went."His wife

sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion:

"Why don''t you take my brother with you, and give

it one more try." "That''s no good," sighs Arthur.

"Your brother is a hundred and three. He can''t help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but

his eyesight is perfect." So the next day, Arthur heads

off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees

up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the

fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see

the ball?" "Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law.

"I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can''t remember."

[The Butler 0]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and
felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so
she
gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so
she
gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "''ave ya ever been fooked,
laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

[First Wazzock 902]

I was in bed with this blind woman the other day, she said I had the biggest penis she''d ever clapped her hands on.

You''re pulling my leg I said.

[First Wazzock 902]

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"  
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."  
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

[First Wazzock 902]

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist''s office to have a tooth pulled.  The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected. "I can''t do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!
The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I''m fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here''s a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn''t know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!
"It doesn''t", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

[First Wazzock 902]

The Banking Crisis simply explained...

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...The next day he drove up and said, ''Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey''s died.''

Paddy replied, ''Well then just give me my money back.''The farmer said, ''Can''t do that. I''ve already spent it.''Paddy said, ''OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.''The farmer asked, ''What are you going to do with him?''Paddy said, ''I''m going to raffle him off.

''The farmer said, ''You can''t raffle a dead donkey!''Paddy said, ''Sure I can. Watch me. I just won''t tell anybody he''s dead.''

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ''What happened with that dead donkey?'' Paddy said, ''I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898''  The farmer said, ''Didn''t anyone complain?''

Paddy said, ''Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.''

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland ..

[First Wazzock 902]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. 

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up  for evening classes, attended diligently, and
learned all he could.

When  the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came  back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don''t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the  grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back  together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause,  the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I''ve never seen done in my entire career"

[First Wazzock 902]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal''s office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his ''private part'' hanging out.
''I thought I told you to call your mum!'' she said.
''I did,'' he said, ''And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she''d come and pick me up from school.''

[First Wazzock 902]

I''m in trouble with the wife. we were in bed naked and she said to me, ''What would you like to do most with my body?''

Apparently ''identify it'' is not the right answer.

[silver fox 0]

A real man is a woman''s best friend.  He will never stand her up and never let her down.  He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.  He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do.  He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.  He will make her feel confident and sexy, seductive and invincible ....  No wait... I ''m thinking of wine, its f.....g wine that does that.  Sorry!!

[silver fox 0]

Paddy is in bed with his wife.  Her mobile went off at 3am and Paddy answers it and then angrily reples " why don''t you f..k off and ring the weather office".  Wife asks " who was that?".  Paddy replied it was some twat asking if the coast was clear.

[silver fox 0]

In the cemetery I saw 4 men carrying a coffin round and round.  3 hours later I saw the same men with the same coffin and I thought to myself, they have lost the f.....g plot.

[silver fox 0]

Paddy asks Murphy how to spell orange.  Murphy thinks about it for a few minutes and then says " do you mean the fruit or the colour?".

[SwindonCanary 455]

ANDY GRAY''S RESIGNATION LETTER

Dear Sky,

I''m so sad to be leaving a company that I''ve served for over 20 years and a job that I''ve loved doing. However, as I''m sacked anyway, I might as well tell you the story about my friend that I was going to tell on air next week.
You see, she got a job as a teacher of physical education to a group of teenage boys. One day she notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You OK sweetheart?" she says.
"Yes Miss" he replies.
"''You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.
"It''s best I stay here Miss. " he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde teacher.
The boy replies: "Because I''m the f*cking goal keeper"

Yours sincerely.
Andy Gray

[DOGGER 0]

Gate for sale - will it give it away for free..........

Honestly...............there''s no catch!!

[banburygreen 0]

A Man goes to the doctors and says "doc, help me, every time I masturbate I shout ''Come on Ipsh*t''" ....."that''s ok" said the doctor, "most w*nkers do"!!!!!

[I am a Banana 0]

[quote user="swindoncanary"]

ANDY GRAY''S RESIGNATION LETTER

Dear Sky,

I''m so sad to be leaving a company that I''ve served for over 20 years and a job that I''ve loved doing. However, as I''m sacked anyway, I might as well tell you the story about my friend that I was going to tell on air next week.
You see, she got a job as a teacher of physical education to a group of teenage boys. One day she notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You OK sweetheart?" she says.
"Yes Miss" he replies.
"''You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.
"It''s best I stay here Miss. " he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde teacher.
The boy replies: "Because I''m the f*cking goal keeper"

Yours sincerely.
Andy Gray

[/quote]

the boy will still be the kid that noone likes and gets stuck in goal [n]

[a man called horse 0]

Peter come running indoors,

"mummy mummy the bulls f***king the cow."

You mustn''t say that Peter you should say "the bulls surprising the cow."

Next day Peter runs indoors,

"mummy mummy the bulls surprising all the cows."

"Peter the bull can''t be sueprising all the cows."

"He is mummy he''s f***king the horse."

 

[SwindonCanary 455]

"the boy will still be the kid that noone (no one) likes and gets stuck in goal "

It''s a joke, get over it !