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Wings of a Sparrow

The Butler's Friday joke thread

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Sorry but I miss it.

 

I sat opposite a beautiful young Thai girl on the tube the other day.

 I kept saying to myself:

 “don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection….”

 But it was too late, as she got up to get off, she did….

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A man shoots a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and  his wife decide that they won''t tell the kids what kind of meat
it  is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were  eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their  dad for the clue.

Well, he said, ''It''s what mommy calls me  sometimes''.

The little girl screams to her brother
''Don''t eat  it, it''s an asshole...

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She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The ''T'' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer''s broken."

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Paddy''s wife has never had an orgasm, so they decide to go see a doctor
to find out why.
After a number of tests, the doctor suggests Paddy''s wife may be over
heating during sex and recommends they buy a fan for the bedroom.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a
towel on them during sex.
After about 20 mins of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests
a swap. "I''ll s*ag her, you waft the towel" he says.
Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy''s wife is screaming in pleasure
and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy pats his mate on the back and says
"....and that my old son, is how you waft a f***ing towel!"

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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude ''til he spotted a woman below & shouted…
 
"Excuse me, can you help, I promised friends I would meet them an hour ago & I''ve no idea where I am."
 
The woman replied... "You are in a hot air balloon about 10 meters above ground, & you''re 41.2 degrees north by 59.6 degrees east."
 
"You must be in I.T." said the balloonist.
 
"I am" said the woman, "how did you know?"
 
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you''ve told me may be technically correct, but I''ve no idea how to use your information, & the fact is I''m still lost. Frankly, you''ve not been a lot of help, if anything, you''ve delayed my trip further!"
 
The woman responded... "You must be Management."
 
"I am" said the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"
 
"Well," said the woman, "you don''t know where you are, or where you are going, you have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air, you have made promises that you have no idea how to keep, & you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same predicament you were before we met, but now somehow it''s my f**king fault!"

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Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that''s right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month,   Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.  The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
  

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period. 
 

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

 
1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

 
3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

 
5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn''t drive.

 
7) Failed to think rationally, and

 
8) Had to sit down while urinating. 

No further testing was considered necessary!!

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ''I don''t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.''
 
I said, ''WHAT??!! What was that?!''
 
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
 
''You''re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.''
 
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ''Can''t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?''
 
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
 
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn''t decide which one to take, so I told her we''d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ''Lets get a pair for each outfit.''
 
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn''t even know how to play tennis.
 
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ''That''s fine, honey.'' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ''I think this is all Dear, let''s go to the cashier.''
 
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ''No honey, I don''t feel like it.''
 
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ''WHAT?''
 
I then said, ''Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You''re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.''
 
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ''Why can''t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?''
 
Apparently I''m not having sex tonight either....but at least that b*tch knows I''m smarter than her.

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The new defence cuts are worse than first thought...

[IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/2w69g8h.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/2ues0md.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/2v8lruc.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/2i6hv05.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/14d0hlw.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/2550ugk.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/21nqjxd.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/2uz3ww2.jpg[/IMG]

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TELL ME THIS WON''T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.  One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, ''Was I getting in or out of the bath?''
The 94-year-old yells back, ''I don''t know. I''ll come up and see.'' She starts up the stairs and pauses ''Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ''I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'' She then yells, ''I''ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who''s at the door.''
        

TELL ME THIS WON''T HAPPEN TO US !!!!            
                
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, ''Windy, isn''t it?''
''No,'' the second man replied, ''it''s Thursday.''
And the third man chimed in, ''So am I..  Let''s have a beer.''
        
TELL ME THIS WON''T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
    
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ''Supersex.'' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, ''Supersex.'' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ''I''ll take the soup.''
    
TELL ME THIS WON''T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
           
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ''Now don''t get mad at me ...  I know we''ve been friends for a long time, but I just can''t think of your name!  I''ve thought and thought, but I can''t remember it.  Please tell me what your name is..
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, ''How soon do you need to know?''
         
TELL ME THIS WON''T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
              
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife''s voice urgently warning him, '' Herman , I just heard on the news that there''s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!''
''Heck,'' said Herman , ''It''s not just one car.  It''s hundreds of them!''
       
TELL ME THIS WON''T HAPPEN TO US !!!! 
 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ''I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red.  Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and
said,
'' Mildred , did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!''
Mildred turned to her and said,
''Oh, crap, am I driving ?''          

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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.  After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ''I  cannot accept money from you, I''m doing community service this  week.'' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber  went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ''thank you''  card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later,  a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,  the barber again replied, ''I cannot accept money from you , I''m  doing community service this week.'' The cop was happy and left the  shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was  a ''thank you'' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his  door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a  haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again  replied, ''I can not accept money from you. I''m doing community  service this week.'' The Member of Parliament was very  happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to  open up, there were a dozen other Members of  Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And  that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between  the citizens of our country and the politicians who run  it.

BOTH   POLITICIANS  AND  DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED  OFTEN AND FOR  THE SAME REASON!

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The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
  five miles a day when he was 60.
  Now he''s 97 years old
  and we don''t know where he is.

I like long walks,
  especially when they are taken
  by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
  is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

  I have to walk early in the morning,
  before my brain figures out what I''m doing..
 
I joined a health club last year,
  spent about 400 bucks.
  Haven''t lost a pound.
  Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ''exercise'',
  I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

 The advantage of exercising every day
  is so when you die, they''ll say,
  ''Well, she looks good doesn''t she.''

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
 
I know I got a lot of exercise
  the last few years,......
  just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
  because there''s a lot more information in our heads.
  That''s my story and I''m sticking to it.
 
AND

Every time I start thinking too much
   about how I look,
  I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
  I look just fine.

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While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, He immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ''I''ve got bad news for you,
You''ve contracted Mongolian VD. It''s very rare and almost unheard of  here, we know Very little about it.''

The man looks a little perplexed and says, ''well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.''

The doctor answers, ''I''m sorry, there''s no known cure. We''re going to have to amputate it.''

The man screams in horror, ''Absolutely not,! I want a second opinion.''

The doctor replies, ''Well, go ahead, if  you want but surgery is your only choice.''

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he''ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ''Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.''

The guy says to the doctor, ''Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do,?

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!''

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. ''Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate.

Make more money dat way.  No need to amputate!''

Oh, Thank God,!'' the man replies.
''Yes,'' says the Chinese doctor, ''Wait two weeks…….Fawl off by self !''

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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they''d shared, where Andy had carved
"I love you, Sally".
 
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We''ve got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
 
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She''s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don''t believe him, he''s getting senile!"
 
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well... when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We''re outta here!"

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A close frined and boating partner Dave was having trouble at home. Commiserating his story as told to me through a letter to Abby. Poor Dave...when it rains it pours.I could not give any advise just listen.
Dear Abby,
I''ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I''ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs are phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don''t know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn''t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide next to the garage behind my boat so I could get a good view of the entire street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car, she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open. She took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bass boat, that I noticed that there were numerous hairline cracks in my gel coat; right where the hull meets the transom.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it over to the boat yard to have it repaired?

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ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX ?
 
>THE correct insurance companies for sex ..........
 
 
>SEX with your wife -  Legal & General
>
>SEX with your future wife -  Mutual Trust
>
>SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability
>
>SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union
>
>SEX on the telephone - Direct line
>
>SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy
>
>SEX in a hurry  - Insure & Go
>
>SEX with your boyfriend  -  Standard Life
>
>SEX with a transvestite  -   Confused
>
>SEX with some one different -   Go compare
>
>SEX with an animal  -   Compare the meerkat
>
>SEX with a fat bird  -   More Than
>
>SEX on the back seat  -  Sheila''s Wheels
>
>SEX with an o.a.p  -   SAGA
>
>SEX with a posh bird -  Privilege
>
>SEX with a sheep  -   Farmers Union

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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

 


QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

“I''ve often been asked, ''What do you old folks do now that you''re retired?''
 
Well...I''m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

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[quote user="leedscanary"]

Wow! - Slow work day Waz?

[/quote]

There was no joke thread last Friday so here''s the best of 2 weeks worth.

And I could have posted more !!!

Every day is a slow work day !

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Men are just happier people

 

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT

· When

the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even

though it''s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and

none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn''t need but it''s on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The

average number of items in the typical woman''s bathroom is 337. A man

would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn''t.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won''t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah,

children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist

appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears

and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There''s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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Why Women Are Crabby    We started to ''bud'' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.   

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn''t even know we had.  

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn''t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.   

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn''t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary''s Baby.  

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee''d our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain, all the way to the ER.   

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, ''Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. ''Just one more good push'' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.   

After that, it was time to raise those angels, only to find that when all that ''cute'' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. 

Then come their ''Teen Years.'' Need I say more?   

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40''s - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.   

So we progress into the grand finale: ''The Menopause,'' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It''s either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned ''buds'' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.   

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life''s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...   

So, while I love being a woman, ''Womanhood'' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the ''weaker sex?'' Yeah right. Bite me.

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Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing

Paddy replied, ''We''re supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don''t have a ladder..''

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, ''Isn''t that just like a blonde!

We Need the height, and she gives us the bloody length!!

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A man was sunbathing naked  at the beach.

For the sake of civility,  and to keep it from  getting
sunburned,  he had a hat over his  crown jewels.

A woman walks past and  says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman  you''d lift your  hat."

He raised an eyebrow and  replied, "If you were better looking it would  lift itself."
 

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A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up, & never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure & comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express deepest emotions & give in to his most intimate desires, she will make him feel confident and sexy , seductive and invincible,

……….no wait……

I’m thinking of beer, its F@cking beer that does that !

 

Sorry !

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Work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different

levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys at the bottom look up and see nothing but @$$holes.

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