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Bill Gates says....................

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives (!?!), read on.... 
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 

''If GM had kept up with technology like the computer  industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000  miles to the gallon.'' 

In  response to Bill''s comments, General Motors issued a press  release stating: 

If  GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be  driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just  love this part ): 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your  car would crash.........   
Twice a day. 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.   

3.  Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.  You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down  and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to  reinstall the engine.   

5.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was  reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but  would run on only five percent of the roads. 

6 The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would  all be replaced by a single ''This Car Has Performed An Illegal  Operation'' warning light.   

I love the next one!!!   

7.  The airbag system would ask ''Are you sure?'' before deploying.         

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you  simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and  grabbed hold of the radio antenna.   

9.  Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to  learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls  would operate in the same manner as the old car. 

10.  You''d have to press the ''Start'' button to turn the engine off   

PS - I''d like  to add that when all else fails, you could call ''customer  service'' in some foreign country and be instructed in some  foreign language how to fix your car  yourself!!!!

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An Essex Winter Story As a lorry driver in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his lorry cab, and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Sharon and you''re losing some of your load!" 

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the lorry stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his cab, and knocks on the door. The guy lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Sharon and you ARE losing some of your load."  

Shaking his head, the driver ignores her again and continues down the street.  

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the lorry cab door. The driver lowers the window again and she says, ''Hi, my name is Sharon and you really are losing some of your load!  

When the light turns green, the driver revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of his lorry, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and, as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin and I''m gritting the road."

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Morning LHWas going to start a thread myself but saw you began early today! lol

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes


blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde

jokes and how all blondes are perceived as  stupid. So, she decides to

show her husband that blondes really are smart.


  While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to

paint a  couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her

husband leaves  for work, she gets down to the task at hand


  Her husband arrives home at

and smells the distinctive smell of  paint. He walks into the living

room and finds his wife lying on the floor  in a pool of sweat. He

notices  that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the

same time.

  He goes over and asks her if she if OK.. She replies yes. He asks what

she  is  doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not

all blonde

  Women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.


  He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She

replies  that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it






You''ll love this....








Yep. I know you will...
















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The following is the 2010 winning entry from an annual contest at Oxford University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.       This year required a definition for the contemporary term ''Political Correctness''.


The winner wrote:     ''Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.''

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The Fly Story! 


This is good.....
don''t do anything just watch. 

You have to wait a few moments before it starts. Just sit back and enjoy,

you don''t need to scroll or click!




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The Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard 


A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.


They were even after the first few holes. 

The second guy said, "We''re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn''t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.  


The second guy won the remaining 16 holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80..00.


He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.


The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.


The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,

"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."


The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"


The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.......


And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I''ll marry them.

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[quote user="Woman in the Stands WITS"]

The Fly Story! 


This is good.....
don''t do anything just watch. 

You have to wait a few moments before it starts. Just sit back and enjoy,

you don''t need to scroll or click!




[/quote]Sorry - it didn''t copy and paste although it was there in the preview [:(]

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1.  HOW  DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO   MARRY?   (written by kids)   


got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if  you like

sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the

chips and dip coming.  

--  Alan, age 10



person really decides before they grow up who they''re going to marry.

God decides it all way before, and you  get to find out later who you''re

stuck with.  

--  Kristen, age  10  



Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. 

--   Camille, age 10  



You  might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

--  Derrick, age  8  


Both don''t want any more kids.   

--  Lori,  age 8  


-Dates are  for having fun, and people should use them to get to know

each other. Even boys  have something to say if you listen long


--  Lynnette, age  8    (isn''t  she a treasure)


-On  the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. 

--  Martin, age  10  


-When they''re rich.  

--  Pam, age  7 ( Love her )


-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn''t want to mess with that. 

-  - Curt, age   7

-The  rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry

them and have kids with them. It''s the right thing to do.   

-  - Howard,  age 8  


It''s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. 

--  Anita, age 9   (bless you child )  


There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn''t there? 

--  Kelvin, age 8  

And the #1 Favorite is .......


Tell  your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

  --  Ricky, age  10 

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Bacon Tree Two

Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States ,

wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and

wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk.""Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.There''s raw bacon, there''s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .. every imaginable kind of cured pork."Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree.""Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don''t  forget.""Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."And

with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres,

Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and

Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his

dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!""Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? ""Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees




Ees a ham bush...."        And I bet you tried to do the accent didn''t you  - I know you did!

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On a beautiful summer''s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch.
One of the tourists asked the waitress, ''Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?''

The girl leaned over and said, ''Burrr … gurrr … king''

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Tesco installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample would diagnose any condition.When Jim went with a sore elbow the computer printout read : ''You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for two weeks''.Impressed, Jim wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter and then w@nked into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: ''1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener.2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.5. If you keep w@nking, your elbow won''t get better!Thankyou for shopping at Tesco.''

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Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I''ve browt it with us."


A Yorkshireman''s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin'' a bone yer daft bugger!"

A Yorkshireman''s wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it''s been engraved "she were thin". He explodes - soddin'' ''ell man, you''ve left the soddin'' "e" out, you''ve left the soddin'' "e" out!

The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I''ve put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, she were thin".
Bloke from Barnsley with a sore @rsehole goes into the chemists
He asks the chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell @rse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

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The  older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN.............

















That''s enough for day one.
Try again tomorrow.

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ; one from London , another from  Bristol and the third,  Liverpool ..
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,  then works some figures with a pencil.
''Well'', he says, ''I figure the job will run about £900:  £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.''
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, ''I can do this job for £700:  £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.''
The Liverpool contractor doesn''t measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, ''You didn''t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?''
The Liverpool contractor whispers back, ''£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.''

''Done!'' replies the government official.

And that friends, ...... is how it all works.

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An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I''m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ''99''.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ''99". Again, the old guy says, ''99''."

The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I''m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I''m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, ''99''.
The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...

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At marriage guidance, my wife and I were asked to describe each other in 3

words. My wife said"Uncaring, but honest."I countered with, "Fat

and ugly."So we were both right.

------------------------------------------------------Katie Price seriously wants to make a film about her life? Well I''ll

save you all the 90 minutes and you can watch me repeatedly throw a sausage in a

wheelie bin instead.

------------------------------------------------------I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started

arguing.One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."The

other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."A bouncer

reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We''ve got

a couple of men squaring up." ----------------------------------------------------Today, my wife told me I am immature and need to grow up.Guess who''s not

allowed in my tree house now.

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I''d like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist''s eyes got big and he explained, "I can''t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that''s against the law!  I''ll lose my license! They''ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist''s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn''t tell me you had a prescription."

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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn''t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven''t used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that''s how the fight started.....


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, ''Do you want to have sex?''
''No,'' she answered. I then said,
''Is that your final answer?''
She didn''t even look at me this time, simply saying, ''Yes..''
So I said, "Then I''d like to phone a friend."
And that''s when the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I''ll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren''t you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that''s when the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He''s my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn''t been sober
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
And then the fight started...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn''t run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What''s on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up
to my wife''s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that''s how the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver''s licence to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, ''Unbutton your shirt''.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ''That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'' and
she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, ''You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.''
And then the fight started...


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.''
I replied, "Your eyesight''s damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.....

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The Priest''s Ass

The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read:

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day the local paper headline
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Priest to get rid
of the donkey.

The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the
next day:


The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:


This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run

The next day the headlines read:

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else''s ass and
you''ll be a lot happier and
live longer!

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Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, 

but here''s the TRUE story....

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah''s Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. 

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham''s drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham''s business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com''s trading as doth the greedy Horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates'' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO,"  said Abraham.

And because it was Dot''s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham''s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot''s drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God''s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

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Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I''m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver and said, "I didn''t realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I''m the one who is sorry, it''s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I''ve been driving a hearse for 25 years." 

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Teacher draws a penis on the blackboard and asks the class, ''Does anyone know what this thing is?''

Little Tim shouts, ''Yes Sir my Dad has two of them''.

''TWO?'' says the surprised teacher.

''Yes Sir, he has a small one for weeing and a huge one for cleaning the babysitters teeth''.

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[quote user="First Wazzock"]

Teacher draws a penis on the blackboard and asks the class, ''Does anyone know what this thing is?''

Little Tim shouts, ''Yes Sir my Dad has two of them''.

''TWO?'' says the surprised teacher.

''Yes Sir, he has a small one for weeing and a huge one for cleaning the babysitters teeth''.


Hahahaha, I like that!!!

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A guy out for a drink with his mates sees this pretty girl and trys to charm her by saying, ''I was going to tell you a joke about my dick, but it''s too long''.

To which she replies, ''that''s funny I was going to tell you a joke about my fanny, but you''ll never get it''

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I went into the Chinese the other night and at the bottom of the list of chicken dishes was ''chicken ding''.

I asked what it was and the guy told me it was chicken done in the microwave.

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Never let it be said that airline ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and
the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed…

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That''s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you''re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

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