The First Friday Of The New Year

[First Wazzock 1,003]

Here''s wishing a happy and healthy new year to you all.

 

 

A young man called Simon from London wanted to buy a Christmas present
for his new girlfriend.

They hadn''t been seeing each other for very long and she lived in
Scotland.

Simon consulted with his sister and decided, after careful
consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right
note. not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair
of fur lined quality leather gloves.

 

His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Simon unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Simon sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I''ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with
buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit loose on her.

She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.
In fact she hasn''t needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Simon

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.

[First Wazzock 1,003]

A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
 
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband''s occupation.  "He''s a funeral director," she answered.
 
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
 
He then asked her if she wouldn''t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. 
 
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20''s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40''s, and a preacher when in her 60''s, and now in her 80''s, a funeral director. 
 
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
 
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." 
                                  

[First Wazzock 1,003]

How to get  to Heaven from Scotland ...
 

I was testing children in  my  Glasgow Sunday
School class to see  if they understood the
Concept of getting  into heaven.
 
 
I asked them,  "If I sold my house and  my
Car, had a big jumble sale and gave all  my
Money to the church, would that get me 
Into heaven?"
 

"NO!" the  children answered.
 

"If I cleaned the church  every day, mowed
The garden and kept  everything tidy, would
That get me into  heaven?"
 

Again, the  answer was ''No!'' 
 
 
By now I was starting to  smile.
 

"Well, then,  if I was kind to animals and
Gave sweeties  to all the children, and
Loved my husband,  would that get me
Into  heaven?"
 

Again, they all  answered ''No!''
 
 
I was just bursting with pride for  them.
   I continued, "Then how can I get into  heaven?"
 
                                                     
                       A six year old boy  shouted, 
 
  

 
   "Yuv got tae be  fukin'' dead"
Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir  eye...  

[The Butler 0]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. 

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. 

There was only one problem: The captain''s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. 

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he''s hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" 

The magician was furious but couldn''t do anything. It was, after all, the captain''s parrot. 

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship  sank, drowning almost all who were on board. 
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. 

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... 

"OK, I give up. Where''s the bloody ship?

[First Wazzock 1,003]

[IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/28atjy8.jpg[/IMG]

[First Wazzock 1,003]

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa''s drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
''What happened, Grandpa?'' he is asked by his concerned children.

''Well,'' he answered, ''I don''t really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn''t mine, so I put it back!''

[First Wazzock 1,003]

[IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/35d5dhh.jpg[/IMG]

 

Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived I think I''ll wear Gold tonight." 

Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

[First Wazzock 1,003]

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

It was only when I has my trousers down that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room.

[First Wazzock 1,003]

I bought the mother in law some crotchless knickers for Christmas.

Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick...

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

I have just got off the phone talking to a friend in the  Highlands.

 

He

said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high

and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the

north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the

kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let

her in.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

If you need a good laugh then read through these Children''s Science Exam answers. These are real answers given by children:  Q:  Name the four seasons. A:  Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.  Q:  Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A:  Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q:  How is dew formed? A:  The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.  Q:  How can you delay milk turning sour? A:  Keep it in the cow.  Q:  What causes the tides in the oceans? A:  The tides are in a fight between the Earth and the Moon.  All water

tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon

and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.  Q:  What are steroids? A:  Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.  Q:  What happens to your body as you age? A:  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.  Q:  What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A:  He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.  Q:  Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A:  Premature death.  Q:  What is artificial insemination? A:  When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.  Q:  How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g. abdomen) A:  The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax

and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax

contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five

bowels:  A, E, I, O and U.  Q:  What is the fibula? A:  A small lie.  Q:  What does "varicose" mean? A:  Nearby.  Q:  Give the meaning of the term ''Caesarean Section''. A:  The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.  Q:  What does the word ''benign'' mean? A:  Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted

to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, ''How can I

help you?'' The farmer said, ''I want to get one of them dayvorces.''

The lawyer said, ''Do you

have any grounds?'' The farmer said, ''Yes, I got 40 acres'' The lawyer

said, ''No, No, you don''t understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, ''Yes, I

got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'' The lawyer said, ''No, no,

I mean, do you have a case?'' The farmer said, ''No, I ain''t got a Case,

but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, ''No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'' The farmer said,''Yes, I got a grudge, that''s where I parks the John Deere''

The lawyer said, ''Does your wife beat you up or something?'' The farmer said, ''No, we both get up at 4:30.''

By now the lawyer is

getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, ''Is

your wife a nagger?'' The farmer said, ''No, she''s a little white gal, but

our last child was a nagger and that''s why I wants a dayvorce.''

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train-stop & her son saying, "All of you b*stards who want off, get the hell off now!, ''cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*stards who are getting on, get your a*s in the train, cause we''re going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don''t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your journey was a pleasant one."She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

My house got broken into last night. The thieves took my Dictionary and Scrabble Board.I tell ya, I''m lost for words.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A Chinese couple had a black baby. Guess what they named him?Sum-Ting-Wong

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

One day a farmer''s donkey fell down into a

well. The animal cried piteously for hours as

the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the

well needed to be covered up anyway;

it just wasn''t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and

help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began

to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the

donkey realized what was happening and cried

horribly. Then, to everyone''s amazement he

quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally

looked down the well. He was astonished at what

he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his

back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer''s neighbors continued to shovel

dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it

off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey

stepped up over the edge of the well and

happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds

of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well

is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of

our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out

of the deepest wells just by not stopping,

never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . .. The donkey later came back,

and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and

the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY''S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover

your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[First Wazzock 1,003]

Just had the seating plan through for Gerry Rafferty''s funeral.

Clowns to the left, jokers to the right.