Jokes for Friday on Butler's behalf

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Cardiologist''s Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral

by the hospital at which he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the  Service

as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the

heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing

the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes

stared at him, he said, ''I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own

funeral... I''m a gynaecologist."

The vicar fainted.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Cornish Guardian.

 

 

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I''m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I''ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call 01272-6420 and ask for Annie, I''ll be waiting.....

G]http://i56.tinypic.com/wpod3.jpg[/IMG]

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Truro RSPCA

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

I checked. You hadn''t started it so I did and then you do lol

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
 
''In honor of this holy season'' Saint Peter said, ''You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.''
 
The man from  Stevenage fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ''It represents a candle'', he said.
 
''You may pass through the pearly gates'' Saint Peter said.
 
The man from  Letchworth reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ''They''re bells.''
 
Saint Peter said ''You may pass through the pearly gates''.
 
The man from Hitchin started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women''s panties.
 
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ''And just what do those symbolize?''
 
The man from Hitchin replied, ''These are Carols.''

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Sorry WITS - great minds and all that...

I''ll add to this one, I''m sure Pete will merge them.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Yep, just said that on yours lolHave emailed Pete asking him to merge us [;)]

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A couple was arranging their wedding and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with 1 John 4:18 which reads: ''There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.''The baker evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference and beautifully enscribed on the cake John 4:18: ''For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.''

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A young minister sat down to dinner and was about to say grace.He looked at the casserole that his thrifty bride had prpared from leftovers in the fridge.''I don''t know,'' he said dubiously, ''but it seems I''ve blessed all this stuff before.''                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~During the minister''s prayer one morning, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.Tommy''s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, ''Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?''Tommy answered soberly, ''I asked God to teach me to whistle and he did!''

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 

  ''What a Great chest you have!''                

                       

He tells her, ''That''s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.''           

                   He takes off his pants and the blonde says,''What massive calves you have!''                      

 

The body builder tells her, ''That''s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.''   

            He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.  

The

body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.  He catches

up to her and asks why she ran  out of the apartment like

that.                

             

           

 

                        

 

  The blonde replies, ''I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'' 

 

 

[First Wazzock 1,011]

WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER

 

 If you didn''t see this on the Tonight show, I hope you''re sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date  story ever, first date or not!!!

 

We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her  tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn''t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car''s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date''s concerns about'' what is taking so long'' with a reply that indeed, she was ''freezing her butt off'' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would  take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be ''pants down. ''And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno''s comment...''This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Outside

England ''s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8

buses. For 25 years,it''s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant

attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40),for buses (about £7).

Then,

one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just

didn''t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked

it to send them another parking agent.

 

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo''s own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

 

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or

France or Italy ...  is a man who''d apparently had a ticket machine

installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up

every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at

about £560 per day -- for 25 years.

 

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Police in Manchester last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Moss Side.
Local residents were stunned. 
A community spokesman said: "We''re shocked. We never knew we had a library!" 

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A little humour to improve the day!

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information andwisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.So we aren''t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think:  ''Good grief, look how smart I am!''Must be where ''Smart Ass'' came from!

[First Wazzock 1,011]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me: "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back: "Ipswich Town.”

And they say blondes are dumb.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Never Lose Your Grandson!
My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre the other day.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I''ve lost my granddad!"
The guard asked, "What''s his name?"
"Granddad."
The guard smiled, then asked: "What''s he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied:
"Red wine, and women with big tits."

[First Wazzock 1,011]

A little lifestyle reminder as the festive season begins......

[IMG]http://i51.tinypic.com/2w5pvki.jpg[/IMG]

This woman is 51.

She is a TV "health guru" advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and ill health, promoting exercise, a pescetarian diet high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets  colonic irrigation and supplements, also making statements that yeast is harmful, that the colour of food is nutritionally significant, and about the utility of lingual and faecal examination.

[IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/20zy61l.jpg[/IMG]

This woman is 50.

She is a TV cook, who eats nothing but meat, butter and deserts.

So forget "join a gym and eat more celery". This Christmas, it''s food and booze all the way. And the only exercise you need is dancing and shagging.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

This warning is genuine. I checked it out!
 
 
 IF YOU RECEIVE AN E-MAIL TITLED “NUDE PHOTOS OF SUSAN BOYLE.”

DON’T OPEN IT.

IT CONTAINS NUDE PHOTOS OF SUSAN BOYLE.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn''t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we''re pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Think about this:

1. Cows 2. The Constitution 3. The Ten Commandments   

------------------------------------------------------------------------  COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the Foot & Mouth scare our government could track a single cow, born in the back of North Yorkshire almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in Lincolnshire? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 625,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.  

------------------------------------------------------------------------THE CONSTITUTION  

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...

Why don''t we just give a copy of the Magna Carta? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 1000 years, and we''re not using it anymore.  

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------THE 10 COMMANDMENTS  

The real reason that we can''t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this ...You cannot post ''Thou Shalt Not Steal'', ''Thou Shalt Not Commit  Adultery'' and ''Thou Shall Not Lie'' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a hostile work environment.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stops.

''What are you doing he asks?''

''I''m trying ot comit suicide''

''Well before you jump can you give me a blow job?''

So she does.

The trucker says ''Wow that''s a wasted talent, why are you comitting suicide?''

''Cos my parents don''t like me dressing up like a girl''.

[First Wazzock 1,011]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge, suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over it.

One of the men stands up takes off his cap puts down his rod and beer and bows his head.

His mate says ''Dave, that''s the nicest most respectful thing I''ve ever seen you do.''

Dave said ''Well we were married for just over twenty years''.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

You are driving

down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,

when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the

bus:

 

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

 

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

 

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

 

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there

could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue

reading.

 

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part

of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is

going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take

the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be

the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able

to find your perfect mate again.

 

 

 

YOU WON''T BELIEVE THIS...................

 

 

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble

coming up with his answer. He simply answered: ''I would give the car

keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I

would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.''

 

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn

thought limitations.

 

Never forget to ''Think Outside of the Box.''

 

 

 

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put

her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood

of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

 

Don''t you just love happy endings!

[First Wazzock 1,011]

This didn''t work first time...

 

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I''m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I''ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call 01272-6420 and ask for Annie, I''ll be waiting.....

[IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/wpod3.jpg[/IMG]

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Truro RSPCA

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

Sorry for all the twaddle in my last post. It was sent as white text on coloured background so for some reason didn''t like being changed. Ah well...

[TIL 1010 5,246]

Isn''t it ironic that while everyone in England has been staying up late to watch the cricket Shane Warne has been getting up Hurley.

[TIL 1010 5,246]

There has been a power cut in Dublin''s largest department store today and some customers have been stuck on the escalators for over three hours.

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

When travelling in extreme weather conditions, the government advise you should carry a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket. I looked a right idiot on the bus this morning!

[Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0]

A little boy gets home from school and says, ''Dad, I''ve got a part in the school play. I got the part of a man who''s been married for twenty five years.''His dad replies, ''Never mind son. Maybe next time you''ll get a speaking part.''

[YankeeCanary 0]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your
bags. I won the lottery!''"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?"

"Doesn''t matter," she said. "Just get out."

***********************************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver''s license. First, of
course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the
letters "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z."

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

[Yobocop 1,444]

I cooked dinner for my girlfriend last night. I made her a slice of toast and wrote my name in alphabetti spaghetti. It''s my signature dish.