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The Butler

Friday, New Years Eve

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First HAPPY NEW YEAR to all the joke threads many readers and contributors[:D]

With a special mention for Wazzy and Wits. The George Burns and Gracie Allen of the Pinkun.

Things you can only say at Christmas

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don''t undo my trousers, I''ll burst!
5: I''ve never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It''s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you''ll get some!
10: Don''t play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you''ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn''t expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You''ll know it''s ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That''s the biggest bird I''ve ever had!
19: I''ve been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn''t think I could handle all that and still want more.

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Cheers Butler, thanks to WITS and all other contributors and readers.

May our senses of humour continue to thrive !!!


Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman:    Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman:   Hi, Sylvia!  How''d you die?

1st woman:    I froze to death.

2nd woman:   How horrible!

1st woman:    It wasn''t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd woman:   I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:    So, what happened?

2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:   Too bad you didn''t look in the freezer---we''d both still be alive.

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I get this poem every winter & every winter I love re-reading it. It''s a beautiful poem and very well written. Thought it might be a comfort to you, it was to me. ENJOY!




It''s cold! 
The End.

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A chicken  farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a  woman and
Ordered a  glass of champagne...

The woman perks up  and says, ''How about that? I just ordered a 
Glass of  champagne, too!''

''What a coincidence'' the  farmer says. ''This is a special day for 
Me.... I  am celebrating''

''This is a special day  for me too, I am also celebrating!'' says the  woman.

''What a coincidence!'' says the  farmer! As they clinked glasses the 
Man  asked, ''What are you celebrating?''

''My  husband and I have been trying to have a child  and today my
Gynaecologist  told me that I am pregnant!''

''What a  coincidence,'' says the man. ''I''m a chicken  farmer and for years
All of my  hens were infertile, but today they are all  laying fertilized eggs.''

''That''s great!''  says the woman. ''How did your chickens become  fertile?''

''I used a different cock,'' he  replied.

The woman smiled and said, ''What  a coincidence.''

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A woman was at her hairdresser''s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded.

"Why would anyone want to go there? It''s crowded and dirty. You''re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We''re flying with Easy Jet", was the reply, "We got a great deal"

"Easy Jet?" exclaimed the hairdresser.

"That''s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they''re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We''re at this exclusive little place near the Tiber River called Teste."

"Don''t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it''s something special and exclusive, but it''s really a dump."
"We''re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That''s rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other people trying to see him. He''ll look the size of an ant, well, good luck on your ''dodgy'' trip. You''re going to need it."

The woman left the hairdresser''s really hacked off.

A month later, the woman came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in this brand new plane, but it was overbooked, and they moved us up to first class. The food and wine was wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great, they''d just finished a £3 million referb job, and now it''s the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the owner''s suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That''s all well and good, but I bet you didn''t get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were really lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if we''d be so kind as to step into his private room, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"What did he say?"

"Who the F**k did your hair?"

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God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
 The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
 And the Lord said, "They are rules for living.."
 "Can you give us an example?"
 "Thou shall not kill."
 "Not kill? We''re not interested."
 So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
 The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
 "Honor thy Father and Mother."
 "Father? We don''t know who our fathers are.  We''re not interested."
 Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 
 "I have Commandments."
 The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
 "Not steal?    We''re not interested."
 Then He went to the French and said,
 "I have Commandments."
 The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."
 "Not commit adultery?   We''re not interested."
 Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
  "I have Commandments."
 "Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
 "They''re free."
 "We''ll take 10."
There, that should offend just about everybody!

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Thankyou for those kind words Butler and Waz [:D]Happy New Year to all who enjoy reading and/or contributing to this threadA little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

''Doctor, I don''t feel too good,'' said the little Paper bag.

''Hmm, you look OK to me,'' said the Doctor, ''but I''ll do a blood test and

see what that shows, Come back and see me in a couple of days.''

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. ‘What''s wrong with me?'' asked the little paper bag.

''I''m afraid you are HIV positive!'' said the doctor.

''No, I can''t be - I''m just a little paper bag!'' Said the little paper bag.

''Have you been having unprotected sex?'' asked the doctor.

''NO, I can''t do things like that - I''m just a little paper bag!''

''Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?'' asked the doctor.

''NO, I can''t do things like that - I''m just a little paper bag!''

''Perhaps you''ve been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?'' queried the doctor.

''NO, I don''t have a passport - I''m just a little paper bag!''

''Well'', said the doctor, ''are you in a homosexual Relationship?''

''NO! I told you I can''t do things like that, I''m Just a little paper bag!''

''Then there can be only one explanation.'' said the doctor



This is good - wait for it .... .... .... ...... ....

''Your mother must have been a carrier''

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Cheryl Cole, Louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings. Simon, quick as a flash pulls her thong down, and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her little arse he turns to Louis and says "Your turn" Louis starts crying. "What''s wrong ?" says Simon. Louis sobs...."My head wont fit in the railings"

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gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and

paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where

skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He

went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,

attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of

the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for

weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results

came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of

150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don''t want

to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if

there is an error in the grade?" "The

instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,

which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together

again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."After a

pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it

all through the exhaust, which I''ve never seen done in my entire


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The Cruise

 A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what''s natural for men and women to do. After

several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely

horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Damian

and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.   ''''''''''''''''''''''''''

So they buried Deirdre.

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