First Wazzock 863 Posted November 26, 2010 On their wedding night, the young brideApproached her new husband and askedFor £20.00 for their first lovemakingEncounter. In his highly aroused state,Her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they madeLove, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was aCute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals thatShe needed.Arriving home around noon one day, she wasSurprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.During the next few minutes, he explained thatHis employer was going through a process of corporateDownsizing, and he had been let go.It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he''d be able to findAnother position that paid anywhere near whatHe''d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book whichShowed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly £1 million. Then she showed him certificates of depositsissuedBy the bank which were worth over £2 million,And informed him that theyWere one of the largest depositors in the bank.She explained that for more thanThree decades she had ''charged'' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investmentsWorth over £3 million, her husband was so astounded he couldBarely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,''If I''d had any idea what you were doing,I would have given you all my business!''That''s when she shot him.You know, sometimes, men just don''t know whenTo keep their mouths shut Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 863 Posted November 26, 2010 A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, "Ya now sumptin'' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station... Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we''s ready to go."From now on womon, when I say, ''Bell one'' I want you to strip naked. When I say, ''Bell two'' you jump on debed.When I say, '' Bell three'' we''s gonna mek luv all tru de night girl."The next night, he came home and shouted, " Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed! "Bell Three" and they started to make luv! After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four" "WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four''?" he asked. She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MAN, YOU AIN''T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 863 Posted November 26, 2010 A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. ''Good morning,'' said the young man. ''If I could take a couple Minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners... '' ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''''I''m broke and haven''t got any money!'''' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the doorAnd pushed it wide open... ''''Don''t be too hasty!'''' he said. ''''Not until You have at least seen my demonstration.'''' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her Hallway carpet. ''''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this Horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat The remainder.''''The old lady stepped back and said, ''''Well let me get you a fork, ''cause they cut off my electricity this morning." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 863 Posted November 26, 2010 There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager''s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo''s all over the factory floor and they''re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo''s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo''s legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . ''I''m sorry,'' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ''but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...''''Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 863 Posted November 26, 2010 New LawWhat a brilliant idea this is. At least women can feel safe now. With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours, the Brisbane City Council has established a "Women Only" car park at the Westfield Shopping Centre in Carindale. Even the attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this world-first, a women-only car park in Australia . [IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/2sb7kt4.jpg[/IMG] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 863 Posted November 26, 2010 Two Ipswich girls pick up a perfume sample in Superdrug. Sharon sprays it on her wrist ''That''s nice innit, Don''t you fink Trace?'' (wannabe Cockernee).''Yeah what''s it called?''''Vien a Moi''''What the f**k does that mean Shaz?''The shop assistant says, ''It''s French for ''Come To Me''''Shaz sniffs again ''It don''t smell like cum to me''. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 863 Posted November 26, 2010 Just popped home to find the plumber with his d**k in the dog.Can''t believe the Police wont do anything.they said the b***ard was Corgi registered. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 863 Posted November 26, 2010 Never mistake laxatives for Viagra.It makes you crap in bed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted November 26, 2010 THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn''t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, ''How dare you touch my body! I don''t even know who you are!'' The Texan smiled and drawled, ''Well, ma''am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted November 26, 2010 A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.The waitress asks them for their orders.The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns tothe ostrich, "What''s yours?""I''ll have the same," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That willbe £9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket andpulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the mansays, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."The ostrich says, "I''ll have the same.."Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"asks the waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato anda salad," says the man."Same," says the ostrich.Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.60."Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket andplaces it on the table.The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact changein your pocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic andfound an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offeredme two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of moneywould always be there.""That''s brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for amillion dollars or something, but you''ll always be as rich as you wantfor as long as you live!""That''s right. Whether it''s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exactmoney is always there," says the man..The waitress asks, "What''s with the ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chickwith a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."WELL HELLO !!!!!!The moral: Be careful what you ask for! you just might get it! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
YankeeCanary 0 Posted November 26, 2010 A beautiful young New York woman was so depressedthat she decided to end her life by throwingherself into the ocean. But just before she couldthrow herself from the docks, a handsome young manstopped her."You have so much to live for," saidthe man. "Look, I''m a sailor, and we''re off toEurope tomorrow, and I can stow you away on myship. I''ll take care of you, bring you food everyday, and keep you happy."With nothing to lose, combined with the fact thatshe had always wanted to go to Europe, the womanaccepted..That night the sailor brought her aboard and hidher in a lifeboat. From then on, every night hewould bring her three sandwiches and make love toher until dawn.Three weeks later she was discovered by thecaptain during a routine inspection."What are you doing here?" asked the captain."I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"she replied. "He brings food and I get a free tripto Europe.""I see," the captain says."Plus," she adds, "He''s screwing me.""He certainly is," replied the captain. "This isthe Staten Island Ferry." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Harry 0 Posted November 27, 2010 A 12 year old Ipswich girl writes a letter to Jeremy Kyle.... Dear Jeremy, im the only girl in my class that isnt pregnant. Id like to appear on your show to find out if its me or my brother thats infertile. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted November 27, 2010 "What did St Peter say to Bernard Matthews when he arrived at the pearly gates?""You can get stuffed!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Great Drinkell 50 Posted November 28, 2010 After suffering a humiliating defeat in the local derby Marcus Evans stops off at Morrisons toget his sunday tea.As he and his family approach the revolving doors he sees a 90 year old lady struggling to push her fully laden trolley through the door. Mr Evans walks across to the old lady and says "excuse me luv, can you manage to which the little old dear replies F**K off Evans I don''t want the job!! and quietly slips away. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Herman 9,585 Posted November 28, 2010 Jermaine Beckfords'' attempts on goal on MOTD.Really funny[Y] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites