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First Wazzock

The Butler's Funny Friday Thread

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On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For £20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he''d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He''d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly £1 million. Then she showed him certificates of depositsissued
By the bank which were worth over £2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had ''charged'' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over £3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
''If I''d had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!''

That''s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don''t know when
To keep their mouths shut

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A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,
"Ya now sumptin'' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...
      Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
      Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
      Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we''s ready to go.
"From now on womon, when I say, ''Bell one'' I want you to strip naked.
When I say, ''Bell two'' you jump on debed.
When I say, '' Bell three'' we''s gonna mek luv all tru de night girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted, " Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make luv!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
"WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four''?" he asked.

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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be  confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.  

''Good  morning,'' said the young man. ''If I could take a couple
Minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

'' ''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''''I''m broke and haven''t got any money!'''' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
And pushed  it wide open... ''''Don''t be too hasty!'''' he said.  ''''Not until
You have at least seen my demonstration.''''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
Hallway carpet.
''''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
Horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
The remainder.''''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''''Well let me get you  a fork, ''cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager''s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo''s all over the factory floor and they''re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo''s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo''s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

''I''m sorry,'' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ''but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...''

''Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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New Law

What a brilliant idea this is. At least women can feel safe now.

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours, the Brisbane City Council has established a "Women Only" car park at the Westfield Shopping Centre in Carindale. Even the attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first, a women-only car park in Australia .


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Two Ipswich girls pick up a perfume sample in Superdrug. Sharon sprays it on her wrist ''That''s nice innit, Don''t you fink Trace?'' (wannabe Cockernee).

''Yeah what''s it called?''

''Vien a Moi''

''What the f**k does that mean Shaz?''

The shop assistant says, ''It''s French for ''Come To Me''''

Shaz sniffs again ''It don''t smell like cum to me''.

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Just popped home to find the plumber with his d**k in the dog.

Can''t believe the Police wont do anything.

they said the b***ard was Corgi registered.

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crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was

for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As

the bus stopped and it was her turn to get

on, she became aware that her skirt was too

tight to allow her leg to come up to the height

of the first step of the bus.. Slightly

embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus

driver, she reached behind her to unzip her

skirt a little, thinking that this would

give her enough slack to raise

her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to

discover she still couldn''t. So, a little

more embarrassed, she once again reached behind

her to unzip her skirt a little more, and

for the second time attempted the step, and,

once again, much to her chagrin, she could

not raise her leg. With little smile to the

driver, she again reached behind to unzip a

little more and again was unable to make the

step. About this time, a large Texan who was

standing behind her picked her up easily by

the waist and placed her gently on the step

of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to

the would-be Samaritan and screeched, ''How

dare you touch my body! I don''t even know

who you are!''
The Texan

smiled and drawled, ''Well, ma''am, normally I

would agree with you, but after you unzipped

my fly three times, I kinda figured we were


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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.The waitress asks them for their orders.The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns tothe ostrich, "What''s yours?""I''ll have the same," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That willbe £9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket andpulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the mansays, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."The ostrich says, "I''ll have the same.."Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"asks the waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato anda salad," says the man."Same," says the ostrich.Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.60."Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket andplaces it on the table.The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact changein your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic andfound an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offeredme two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of moneywould always be there.""That''s brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for amillion dollars or something, but you''ll always be as rich as you wantfor as long as you live!""That''s right. Whether it''s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exactmoney is always there," says the man..The waitress asks, "What''s with the ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chickwith a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."


The moral: Be careful what you ask for!  you just might get it!

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A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed
that she decided to end her life by throwing
herself into the ocean. But just before she could
throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man
stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said
the man. "Look, I''m a sailor, and we''re off to
Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my
ship. I''ll take care of you, bring you food every
day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that
she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid
her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he
would bring her three sandwiches and make love to
her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the
captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,"
she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip
to Europe."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," she adds, "He''s screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is
the Staten Island Ferry."

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12 year old Ipswich girl writes a letter to Jeremy Kyle.... Dear Jeremy,

im the only girl in my class that isnt pregnant. Id like to appear on

your show to find out if its me or my brother thats infertile.

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After suffering a humiliating defeat in the local derby Marcus Evans stops off at Morrisons toget his sunday tea.

As he and his family approach the revolving doors he sees a 90 year old lady struggling to push her fully laden trolley through the door. Mr Evans walks across to the old lady and says "excuse me luv, can you manage to which the little old dear replies F**K off Evans I don''t want the job!! and quietly slips away.


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