First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 BAILING OUT THE IRISH - SIMPLEIt is a slow day in a damp little Irish town.The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.The guy at the Farmers'' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 RETIREMENT BONUS, Navy Style The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line Between any two points in his body.The officer got to choose what those two points would be.The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the topOf his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet andWalked out with a bonus of $72,000.The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to beMeasured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walkedOut with $96,000.The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,When asked where he would like to be measured replied, ''From the tip of My weenie to my testicles.'' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider;Explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with himProviding the measurement was taken by a medical officer.The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to ''drop ''em,''Which he did.The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief''sWeenie and began to work back.''Dear Lord!'' he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam .'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring The old man said, ''No, I''d like to see something more special.'' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ''Here''s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady''s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ''We''ll take it.'' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ''by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I''ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I''ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ''There''s no money in that account.'' ''I know,'' said the old man, ''But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD: [IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/ojm7pd.jpg[/IMG] Bugger .. I forgot what it was.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted December 3, 2010 Manure...*An interesting fact* In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction '' Stow high in transit '' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.Thus evolved the term '' S.H.I.T. '' (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 A little bit of natural history.......Amazing............. Penguins A little bit of natural history.......Amazing............. Penguins Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow" "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole !!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 Latest Greeting Cards [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/sq145f.jpg[/IMG] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted December 3, 2010 THE CHRISTMAS TREE One particular christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there was problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was going to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. As he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.The angel said, very cheerfully, ''Merry Christmas Santa, Isn''t it a lovely day ?I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it ? '' Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was sueing the lorry company. In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. Solicitor ''Now didn''t you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, ''I''m fine?'' . Seamus ''Well, I''ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'' Solicitor ''I didn''t ask for any details'',''Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, ''I''m fine!''?'' Seamus ''Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road.....'' The solicitor interrupted again and said, ''Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus''s answer and said to the solicitor: ''I''d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie''. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. ''Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn''t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, ''How badly are you hurt?'' ''What the F**k would you have said''? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 Plastic surgery Arse lift (Don''t let any of your friends have this procedure!) Many of you will have heard of a plastic surgical procedure called an Arse lift. I want to show you how it turns out. Please, refrain from getting this procedure done. You''ll regret it! Please see photo below... [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/2mynl38.jpg[/IMG] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there''s too little left to be of any use?""Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.""Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what''s left over after setting a cast on a patient?""Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.""I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant."Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?""Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted December 3, 2010 Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so) ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN''T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer''s field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN''T WORK) > Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 Weather warning - Expect two feet of snow [IMG]http://i55.tinypic.com/10h4nj4.jpg[/IMG] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted December 3, 2010 Painting the Church There was a Dublin painter named Paddy the Painter who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the parish priest decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of the Church. Paddy put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.. Well, Paddy was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Paddy clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Paddy was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. (you''re going to love this) "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted December 3, 2010 DONALD AND DAISY........ Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, ''Do you have a condom?'' Donald frowned and said, ''No.'' Daisy told Donald that if he didn''t get a condom, they could not have sex. ''Maybe they sell them at the front desk,'' she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. ''Yes, we do,'' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave one to Donald. The clerk asked, ''Would you like me to put them on your bill? ''No!'' Donald quacked, ''I''ll thuffocate'' Oh I''m so sorry, but I just could not resist. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone.What kind of sick bas***d does that to someones advent calendar. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 Q: Whats blue and f***s old ladiesA: Hypothermia Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
First Wazzock 902 Posted December 3, 2010 My Jewish friend walked into Asda this morning slapped his circumcised **** on the customer service desk and said ''I bet you can''t roll that back'' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TIL 1010 4,718 Posted December 3, 2010 Because of all the snow and ice at the moment the Government are worried about kids playing on the roads so to scare them all off they are going to use a special machine.....it''s called a Gary Gritter. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man 3,777 Posted December 3, 2010 What''s white and stops you from going to work?Cocaine.What else is white and stops you going to work?David Cameron. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gingerpele 0 Posted December 3, 2010 WITS, i can''t see any of your Pics..... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Woman in the Stands (WITS) 0 Posted December 3, 2010 Nor can I Gingerpele, sorry. They were there on the preview and I followed the instructions AJ gave on another thread about piccies too ... technology - grr [:S] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Heresyourfathersgun 0 Posted December 3, 2010 X Factor Judges have had second thoughts after voting Wagner out of the show.Concerned about losing out on the market for a middle aged foreigner with a strange accent, they are seeking a replacement.Roy Keane is currently taking singing lessons....... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TIL 1010 4,718 Posted December 3, 2010 Since it has snowed all my wife has done is look through the window.If it gets any worse i will have to let her in! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites